


A Different Wavelength

by MoonlightWanderer



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir-centric, Aged-Up Character(s), F/M, Fanart, Identity Reveal, Masturbation, Mood Swings, Post-Reveal Adrien Agreste/Marinette Dupain-Cheng, References to Depression, Sex, Sex Toys, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-12 20:40:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 52,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17474618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightWanderer/pseuds/MoonlightWanderer
Summary: Adrien has always had struggles, but when he loses his miraculous his life takes a turn for the worse. There are some types of pain you can recover from, and others you just learn to live with.





	1. Happy birthday

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to read my fic. It's pretty personal to me, so please be gentle. I'm an amateur writer here, which means I write for pleasure not business haha.
> 
> Content warning: Please note the tags in this story. Thoughts and references to suicide are regularly present. The way depression is depicted may not- probably won't- be identical to how everyone experiences it, so keep that in mind. These are heavy themes, and I am not attempting to showcase them either positively or negatively. This story is rated explicit.

Upon first glance, it was a day just like any other.

Marinette attended university classes at a popular school of design and fashion. The university itself encompassed many of the arts within its various schools, meaning she got to work alongside many different people. On top of achieving high marks, she sold commissions on the side, oh and regularly saved Paris from akumatised victims created by the evil Papillon.

Yes, all in all it was a pretty average day.

Except there was something that just felt kind of, for lack of better words... _off_. Something had been bugging Marinette since that morning and she still hadn't figured out what it could be.

It wasn't until she talked to Alya at the end of her last class that she realized. It was one very small yet very important detail that somehow she missed all day.

Today was Adrien's _birthday_.

"Girl, I can't believe you of all people forgot Adrien's birthday is today. Didn't you see him in class too?"

"It wasn't my fault! I never forget!"

"Until now you mean." chirped Alya.

"It must be because our end of semester projects are almost due; it's too much pressure!"

"Oh Marinette, relax. You are just too adorable sometimes."

Marinette could not believe that Alya was able to find humor in such a _dire_ situation.

"What am I going to do, Alya?" she pleaded, throwing herself onto her best friend's shoulder, the weight causing Alya to stumble back a little. "You've got to help me, this is a disaster!"

"Woah chill girl, just give him a gift tomorrow. It's not complicated."

Marinette's voice rose, "What? Tomorrow? I can't give him a gift tomorrow; his birthday is _today_. He'll know I forgot and he'll be so disappointed. He's probably already disappointed that no one got him anything and oh no he'll always remember how I forgot this special day and he'll never love me and we'll never get married and have a house with three kids and a hamster named—"

"Marinette!" Alya interjected, shrugging off her friend. "You're overreacting. Adrien is just fine."

"I can't just give him something tomorrow. We only have one shared class, so I could _pretend_ I just forgot to give him a gift, but that would make me a _liar_. I'd be as bad as Lila. You've got to help me!"

Alya repressed a sigh. It felt like near every day Marinette found a way to sneak Lila into a conversation about Adrien. Clearly she had a love rival, but so was Chloe, and Chloe didn't inflict nearly as much rage as the former did.

"Look, the three of you all decided to major in fashion, and as luck would have it, you all placed into the same university and therefore share some classes together. Eventually you're going to have to come to terms with that."

"It's not the _same_." Marinette insisted. "Chloe's dad obviously pulled some strings to get her here, and I can't explain but I just know that Lila managed to con her way into attending as well. You know what I think? I think they both enrolled in this school to be next to Adrien."

This conversation would go nowhere again if Alya let it. She'd lost count how many times her friend brought that theory up. Shaking her head, she finally said, "Alright, alright, so what do you want to do?"

Marinette grinned. "Look, I've got an idea. But I need your help. You'll help me, right?"

Now Alya did sigh. How did she always find herself like this?

 

Adrien elongated his stride, trying to get to the main entrance as quickly as possible without breaking into a run. He just wanted this day to be _done_ with. His father had been away all morning, only leaving another pen as his birthday gift just like every year. How foolish he was to think that _one_ year was anything other than a fluke. Further, he arrived at school just to be smothered by Chloe and Lila.

Chloe and Lila of course didn't tag team hover by his side all day just for his sake though, oh no. The girls were practically engaged in an outright brawl for his affections. Pushing each other as hard and often as proper decorum would allow, they each even had a few rounds of accidentally slamming _him_ into a wall or desk, even nearly down a flight of stairs.

To be clear, he did remember to grab onto the railing before his face hit the floor.

That moment seemed to be the tipping point for the day. During each class after that, except the short reprise during figure drawing, the only class he shared with Marinette, Lila smooth talked their peers into taking her side against Chloe... not particularly hard to do given Chloe is well... Chloe. But he couldn't even bring himself to feel sympathy for his friend on this day, as from that point on he dealt with an army of classmates fawning over him at all times that Lila could not be there herself.

And the touching, god there really was such as thing as too much physical contact. He knew it was possible but never thought he'd experience it first hand.

And it was all courtesy of Lila, for going through the trouble of rallying all their classmates together to "help" him with trivialities throughout the morning.

A friendly tap on the shoulder to ask if he preferred a red cup or blue. A casual slap on the back in congratulations. Brief attempts and holding hands from Lila, all of which he politely rejected.

Then, he felt the tickle of her breath in his ear. "Happy birthday Adrien. This day is just _amazing_. Don't you agree? You can thank me another time. Today it's all about _you_." Lila whispered, snaking an arm around his shoulder. He would have crawled out of his own skin if he could.

Then there was Chloe.

A hand danced up his back. "Adri-shoo didn't you miss me last period? Did you get your birthday present in the mail? I'm sure they needed two men to carry it, those slackers!"

Chloe was better in the touching department, which was saying a lot given she threw herself at him on a near daily basis. What she lacked in touch however she made up for in chatter.

So. much. chatter.

Like a buzzing in his ear that just wouldn't stop. What he'd give for five minutes of _silence_. And he was unable to turn away and ignore her because she would not stand to be one-upped by Lila. Adrien wasn't sure how, but she remained in his field of vision in the same way the wind somehow always blows in your face, no matter which direction you turn.

All in all, he did his very best to remain polite and constrained, even if he was screaming inside.

He swore that he never wanted to hurt anybody.

He just... wanted to go home.

Which is why he instantly regretted it when, before getting into the Gorilla's car after school, he snapped as he felt fingers grasp his jacket from behind to stop him. He was finally going home, and yet someone was trying to drag him _back_.

In an instant of panic, he grasped towards the car door, but the backwards motion of his body caused his hand to accidently swing the door shut. His throat constricted and a faint sob erupted from his lips. The Gorilla must have assumed Adrien did not need a ride that day because at that instant he drove off.

For a moment, Adrien contemplated if there was time to throw himself in front of the car.

Defeated, he turned around to face the culprit. The mixture of anger and disappointment was evident on his face before he realized and fixed his composure, but by then the damage had been done.

Although it had been Alya that had grabbed his jacket, it was Marinette standing behind him who looked utterly mortified. Her shoulders were hunched and stiff, as if trying to bury her head like a turtle trying to hide. Her palms pressed together as she rubbed her hands while speaking furiously. It took him a moment to realize she was speaking to _him_.

"... and that's why you grabbed me, uh I mean she grabbed you. I, we, us thought you'd want to have a patisserie at our baked goods!"

Adrien didn't quite understand, but thankfully Alya filled him in. "Marinette forgot today was your birthday but she still wanted to do something nice for you, cuz she's cool like that. So she's inviting you for pastries at her parents' bakery." Alya paused, exhaling. "Oh and sorry about your ride." she added as an afterthought.

Adrien's tiredness was only exacerbated at the thought of yet another birthday "something", and his face fell. But then he thought about it again. This was Marinette. Marinette, who looked like she didn't even want to ask at all once she realized he was in a hurry to leave for the day. Marinette, who was always considerate of how those around her felt, and he was proud and lucky to be part of that group. She probably noticed everyone else doing things for him and felt guilty. It wasn't fair to her to have to take time out of her busy day just for his birthday. He didn't like that she felt obligated. His shoulders slumped a little at the thought, and he gave her a forced smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I'd, uh, be happy to come along Marinette." he started, gaining confidence in his voice. "Would you like to walk there together right now?"

Marinette's eyes widened. "Ah yes! I mean, no way! I mean... well... it seems like you've had a long day already, so maybe...tomorrow instead?"

Before he could answer, his ride pulled up behind him. Natalie stepped out, holding a large tablet showing a frustrated Gabriel Agreste.

"Adrien! You know you have Chinese studies after school, why did you not come home at your designated time?"

Adrien began fumbling a reply when Alya interjected. "M. Agreste, it wasn't his fault, really. It was my fault. I held him back so that we could ask him to come to Marinette's parents' bakery, you know for his birthday!"

Natalie turned Gabriel's face towards Marinette. "Absolutely not! You will return home immediately. _There is no need to waste your special day at a bakery_ ; you'll spend it at home where you belong." And with that, the screen went blank.

The three teens continued to stare at the blank screen for a moment longer, until Natalie pulled it away and placed it back at her side.

"Um, well, I guess I'll see you in class tomorrow. Thanks anyway."

Adrien turned to his two friends, but then realized only one of them was still present.

"It is time to go Adrien. If you will, please get into the car."

"Wait, Natalie! What happened to Marinette? She was just here, I haven't even said goodbye yet!"

Natalie adjusted her glasses, closing her eyes with impatience. "You will see her again tomorrow. Now please..."

Alya nodded. "She's right, you know, Marinette will be just fine tomorrow. I'll go find her now and make sure of it." she winked at Adrien.

Adrien nodded a bit reluctantly, but knew Alya could handle her friend better than he could. He turned towards the car, ducking his head as he entered it. Natalie followed in his suite.

The car was warm, a nice contrast to the chilly air he just came out from. The days were becoming shorter as they headed into the middle of Autumn. Shorter, colder, more bitter especially when the wind picked up like today. Had he had to have walked all the way back home on a day like this, he'd probably freeze to death before he made it all the way back.

That is, if he _wasn't_ a part-time superhero who could transform and hop back home in less than 5 minutes.

Before the car even pulled out from the side of the curb, Adrien caught Alya running back in his direction, phone in landscape mode in her hands, and her mouth moving as if she was having a conversation. Curious, he rolled down his window.

"...and this time it's my best friend! I'm sure Ladybug and Chat Noir will arrive on the scene shortly! Until then I'll be keeping—"

Hurriedly, Adrien leapt from his place in the back to grip the Gorilla's seat. "Wait! I need to take down– take back my Chinese book! I left it in one of the classrooms okay see you later this might take a while I'll call you bye!"

"Adrien wait!" Natalie attempted to stop him but he already was in route back towards the school.

 

Marinette was akumatised. Of this he was certain, though he made sure to verify with Alya after transforming in order to keep his cover. Knowing she could rival his Lady in stubbornness, he didn't bother an attempt to convince her to flee. Instead, they ran side by side after their friend.

"What's her power? Did you catch what happened?"

"No. I only saw her jump on top of the school roof, but it has to be her."

"Are you sure?"

"Spare me kitty." Alya smirked. "I'm a journalist. I know for a fact Marinette was the only one in the area; and she had just ran off after a confrontation with her friend's dad. Honestly I can't fault her for being upset."

"I wouldn't call it a confrontation, per se."

"What?"

"I mean—are you sure it was meant to be a confrontation? Perhaps his dad just has his own way of saying things...okay nevermind point taken."

The duo stop running as Marinette leaves their view.

"I need to take it from here. Any idea where she might be headed?"

"Most likely the Agreste mansion. It's—"

"Don't worry. I'll find it." Adrien ended the conversation abruptly by extending his staff and vaulting after his friend.

After his altitude adjustment, he was in a much better position to get his eyes back on Marinette and, hopefully, locate the akuma before his Lady arrived.

"Where did she go?" Adrien looked across the rooftops and out towards the sunset. "She couldn't have gotten _that_ far—"

No sooner had those words been muttered, a pair of hands roughly shoved him from behind, knocking him off from his vantage point balanced atop his staff. He screamed as he hurled towards the pavement below. Closing his eyes and bracing for impact, he was surprised to feel the familiar sensation of string as it caught him and prevented him from injury.

Opening his eyes, he smiled. "My Lady, it's about time you showed up."

But Adrien found he was face to face, _nose to nose,_ not with his lady, but with another masked wonder.

"Sorry chaton, but I'm afraid you've got the wrong girl. I'm not your lady. You can call me Master though. Master Marinette. Master of designs. Master of planning. Master of _everything_. And I know that you are not _necessary_ today. Or at all. So give me that ring."

Marinette's hand moved towards his own. And he couldn't move it because his whole arm was suspended by her threads. Trapped.

There was no time for second guessing. Adrien forced his legs behind himself in an effort to kick upwards with enough momentum to break free of her grasp. Marinette stumbled backwards, caught off guard. Capitalizing on his initiative, Adrien grabbed his staff and swung it under her feet, causing her to lose balance.

"Having difficulty staying in control there, akuma?" Adrien teased as he snapped the strings constraining him.

"That's Master to you!" Marinette spat back.

"Oh, how possessive of you, _master_."

"I'm only possessive of your miraculous, the rest is in your dreams my minou." she spoke solemnly. "And when I want something I don't hesitate to _take_ it.".

Marinette rivaled even Ladybug in her speed and agility, which Adrien was quickly finding out. She lunged at him suddenly and given their already close proximity he barely shifted to the side in time to miss the arms attempting to grab him. Time slowed for him as their eyes met, and he saw brilliant blue contoured by a pink and black mask. Her dress and shoes had the same palette, colors layered artistically in a way that would put his father's designs to shame.

Adrien continued to dodge her advances. He didn't want to fight. He didn't _need_ to fight. He only needed to locate the akuma. Which would be infinitely easier once Ladybug arrived and they could devise a plan.

As for the time being, Adrien was perfectly capable of acting as the diversion. He could keep her at bay so that no harm could come to his father or Nathalie, or anyone else for that matter.

He sprinted towards the rooftop's edge, preparing his baton to vault to the next house over. One house, then two, then he stole a cursory glance behind him to see that she was still following him.

Nearly losing his footing when he landed on the angled slats, Adrien couldn't help but turn to sneak another glimpse at his opponent. Similar to his Lady, Marinette... or rather, _Master_ Marinette's weapon had a yo-yo like magical string. Getting a better look he noticed the difference was there was a ball at the end, of which then was strung to a short staff, or even cross-like object held in her right hand.

Had he not been preoccupied, Adrien might've recalled a time when he played with a _kendama_ not unlike the one Master Marinette was using on this day.

On her next leap, Marinette disappeared from Adrien's view behind the wall of the house he stood on. Thinking she might be hurt from missing the jump, he acted on impulse to help.

In hindsight, he was an idiot.

A string wrapped around his ankle from below and jerked him down. Instinctively, he reached back for the ledge, which only served to angle his body and... wham! his head clipped the corner of the house on the way down. Master Marinette threw him to the pavement before she descended herself.

"Are you going to finally stay where I put you?"

Disoriented, he lifted his head at the sound.

"No ma'am." he muttered as once again he felt a pull on his ankle, dragging and tossing him across the street against the adjacent building. He cried out as the air was pushed from his lungs and he fell gracelessly back onto the street.

Marinette, seeing that he was unfit to escape at this point, began to approach him. She walked slowly, unsmiling, but not angry. Simply focused on the task at hand.

"So much like Ladybug." he said weakly.

Marinette ceased her stride. "Ladybug is not here. She abandoned you, can't you see it? She's not coming."

"Of course she's coming. She always steps in right in time." Adrien replied. "Though feel free to move a little faster my lady." he muttered under his breath at the end.

Adrien could only lay helplessly and watch Marinette as she closed in on him. He wasn't going to give up. Ladybug was going to come. He would hang in there. And if she was in trouble, unlikely as that may be, well... Adrien inhaled slowly,

...he would save Marinette himself.

Stealing his nerve, he waited until she not more than a couple steps away. He took the time to scan her body looking for clues as to what object the akuma could be hiding in. Nothing stood out. He felt a wetness run down the side of his face.

He was bleeding, _well shit._

Chalking it up to his head injury, Adrien couldn't help that he saw such a strong resemblance to his Lady. Her stride, her confidence, her energy... it was... it was... miraculous! It was her miraculous! That had to be it, he reasoned. When Lila was akumatised she had a fake fox miraculous. That might mean Marinette had...

"Wow, you must have hit your head harder than I anticipated. Your entire face is red and you need to pick that jaw of yours off the floor. I do _not_ appreciate being ogled."

"Wait, ogled? No you have the wrong ideahh—ah," he self corrected, "actually, what I meant to say is you have the wrong idea that I'm ogling at your body, stunning as you are of course."

She glared, and a giggle almost escaped him when he saw how her nose scrunched up when she pouted.

He cleared his throat and continued. "I'm just amazed at your wit, your confidence– you're amazing Marinette."

"That's Master Marinette, and of course I am! I can do anything I put my mind to, including retrieving your ring of the black cat. If you can realize all this, then just be still so that this can all be over soon and no further harm comes to you."

That was a surprising revelation. "You're saying, after throwing me twice by my foot, that you _don't_ want to hurt me?"

Master Marinette kneeled at his side and brought her face to his ears, whispering, "My minou, I didn't mean that, I only meant not more than _necessary_."

This was as close and unsuspecting as he was going to get, and so Adrien made a grab for it. His arm quickly grabbed hold of her weapon, but she was on to him. Without hesitation, she took his wrist and twisted, forcing his body to turn with his arm and shove his face into the ground.

"Naughty kitty!" she pressed down on his hand and he screamed.

"Sorry Marinette, I had to try—aie!, hh! please stop! Stop!" With each plead she pressed harder into his wrist so much that he thought his arm would break. "Please stop, _who_?"

"Ah, hah... it hurts!" he wailed. "It hurts— stop! Stop!"

_"Stop who?"_

Adrien couldn't think. Couldn't process what the _fuck_ she wanted him to say. The searing pain shot directly up from the hand she held to his shoulder and made him forget completely how light his head felt.

"Please, _please_." he stammered. His breathing came in short, shallow gasps as he struggled to cope. She had inhuman strength, and he was trapped beneath her, helpless and in agony.

"What is my name, kitty?"

Oh god, _that_. He grit his teeth together in fury and spat out "Master Marinette! My arm, you're breaking my _arm_!"

As quickly as she grabbed him, she released his wrist and fell unceremoniously to the ground in a crumpled heap. She oh so generously gave him a minute to compose himself, how merciful.

During that minute Adrien came to realize two things.

Ladybug still hasn't come.

And his other hand was still clenched tight.

Kicking himself for forgetting so easily, he opened his hand. In it held the prize– one of her earrings. Going at her weapon as a diversion played out perfectly, well nearly so. Yes, this looked just like Ladybug's; only the color was different. He counted his blessings and prayed this was the correct side.

Still short of breath, he stammered, "Ca... cataclysm." As if made of glass, the tiny piece of jewelry broke in half between his two fingers. A dark purple butterfly emerged and commenced its flight into the sky.

"No!" a voice yelled behind him.

Suddenly, Adrien realized exactly what he had done.

 

Marinette came to a moment later. She found herself far from the school and on her hands and knees, a sense of bewilderment and amnesia present.

She knew what this meant, and would scold herself later for being so careless. But for now if she was herself again that meant Chat Noir had—

As Marinette's gaze drifted upwards she saw _him_ , Chat, her partner, lying on the ground but shifting his body forward almost in a panic. She quickly assessed that he was favoring his right side and that his hair was matted and stained with a deep red. Oh god, what had she done? His hand was outstretched as if he was... reaching for something?

Marinette gasped when she saw it and connected the dots on what he was attempting to do. If the akuma escaped, it could multiply and become stronger. But he had done it, he defeated and freed her. Now all she had to do was purify it, but she was not transformed!

"Chat Noir, don't do it! No!" she screamed, but it was already too late.

 

A person can only become akumatised willingly.

They need to feel like there is no way out, that there is no other solution. Papillon preys off desperation, loss, and suffering. Even if it is merely a momentary feeling, if the timing is right... anyone can become ensnared.

In Adrien's case however, his willingness came from knowing that he was in no shape to actually give Papillon what he wanted.

He was useless as an akuma. But he could play off his weakness as a strength if nothing else, and use himself as the target for Ladybug.

On the plus side, today she'd only have eyes for him... if she could get here that is.

He heard Marinette call out to him as his digits grazed the soft wings of the evil butterfly, causing it to vanish and his vision to cloud over.

For a moment, there was complete silence. Nothing.

Then, a voice.

"Chat Noir, I am Papillon."

Touching the akuma was like plunging head first into the ocean. A feeling of numbness, of separation, washed across his body. Deeper he fell, into this ocean of his own thoughts and emotions, all competing for his attention. None of them really succeeding.

Adrien attempted to ground himself, but what is there to grab a hold of in the middle of the sea? When he attempted to focus himself, it was as challenging as if he were trying to swim further underwater. The pressure suffocating him only grew.

But... if he allowed himself to let go, to turn towards the surface, well, then he merely had to let the current carry him up. Towards air, towards Papillon.

"Chat Noir. I know you can sense me. I can sense you too, you know. I see what you see, _I feel what you feel._ "

He couldn't turn away from listening to Papillon. Doing so would mean diving back down in that hazey mess of his mind. So he listened.

"Your dear partner has abandoned you, left you to face me all alone. Tell me, what's that say about her... or about you?"

An urge to respond bubbled up inside him. "Ladybug has not abandoned anyone! What have you done to her?!"

A voiceless chuckle echoed in his mind. "How touching... if it wasn't so naive. I do not have your lady. In fact, I'd say she's quite capable of managing on her own. After all, how many times has it been that Ladybug had to rescue you? Maybe she's simply had enough. Enough of fighting. _Enough of you._ "

What? How ridiculous. Adrien wasn't new to how this all worked. He was well aware Papillon was trying to use him.

He was stuck in Papillon's game for the time being, but he didn't have to play.

"Why the silence? Afraid I'm right?"

Goading him, predictable.

"She hasn't showed up. She won't show up."

His trust in Ladybug wasn't so easily broken.

"She'll _never_ show up..."

Fat chance.

"... at least, not before I find your identity."

_Beep beep beep._

As if on cue, the telltale sign of his impending de-transformation was made loud and clear.

"How disappointed your partner must be."

_Beep beep beep._

"You can't do a thing without her."

_Beep beep beep beep._ The sound became more frantic. Do something. Ladybug was counting on you.

"Ladybug knows she can't count on you. Because,"

_Beep_.

"You"

_Beep_.

"are"

_Beep_.

"worthless." Adrien whispered, finishing for him. Just then he felt himself being dragged back down under, though he didn't have it in him to swim back this time.

He was losing himself, he knew that.

 

By the time Marinette returned to the scene as her superhero persona, Chat Noir was... different.

Usually, once someone falls victim to an akuma, they transform in a way that reflects their new self. But Chat... he didn't change at all.

When she arrived, he was standing, staring silently at his hands. Blood still was present across his face and in his hair, though he didn't seem to either notice or care anymore.

He turned towards her, a faint smile present on his face. She shuddered at the eeriness of it.

"My Lady, you're here!"

He limped towards her. "What took you so long? Anyway it's no matter. This akuma surprisingly has me regaining some of my strength." She winced as he attempted to stand fully upright. "Now that you're here, we can finish this! What do you say?"

She didn't want to fight Chat like this, but she knew she must if she was going to save him. Marinette took out her yo-yo and spun in defensively. "I can't Chat, not like this."

Chat frowned, shoulders slumping. "I... but... " he paused. "No, Papillon was right." he clenched a fist. "You don't need me anymore. Maybe you never did. I'm sorry it had to come to this Ladybug. I'm so sorry."

Quick to adapt to his change in demeanor, Marinette called forth her lucky charm. There was no telling how dangerous an akumatised black cat miraculous holder could be.

A red rose with a black stem landed in her hands.

Marinette looked down at the rose, surprised. She then looked at her partner, who had a near identical look of shock mirrored on his face.

"Maybe it's trying to tell us something, don't you think, chaton?" she said quietly. He frowned at this, eyes clouding over.

Silently, without breaking his gaze locked on her, Chat Noir approached. His abrupt closeness forced her back a few steps automatically, until she felt the coldness of a wall blocking her path.

Cornered.

Hesitantly, she presented the rose.

He continued to look only at her as he said, just above a whisper, "cataclysm" and took it.

A single black petal drifted gently to their feet, covering the small pile of ash that formed there one moment prior.

Neither said anything, the moment too delicate and tense.

Chat inhaled, and then spoke again.

"I'm sorry, but I have to do this." His voice deepened and grew louder suddenly, taking her off guard as one hand forcefully struck the wall a hair split from her head, further enclosing her. His face suddenly in hers, contorted with anger, he bellowed out at the top of his lungs "Cataclysm!"

Instinctively, she closed her eyes and braced for what was to come next.

Then, nothing.

Marinette opened her eyes after the initial shock dissipated from her body, but no one was there.

Breath caught in her throat as she saw the last remnants of black dust waft across her view. Following the dust to where it landed next to that from the rose, she saw it. A broken ring.

And an akuma slowly flying from it.

She had a job still to do.

 

After dealing with the akuma, Marinette dropped to her knees beside what was left of her partner... and his miraculous.

Her single earring chimed frantically, signaling time was up. It hadn't even been 5 minutes, but perhaps that's what happens when you started out with only half a miraculous.

With as much tenderness as her shaky hands could muster, she picked up the blackened yet otherwise still intact petal.

"Miraculous Ladybug."

She felt her transformation drop no sooner than the wave of Ladybugs erupted from the rose petal, traveling across the area to put all back in order.

The ring included.

The holder, not.

 

Natalie rolled the car window up as a far away scream permeated through the evening Parisian sky. She then turned her attention to the person sitting next to her.

"Adrien, why did it take you so long to find a book?"

Adrien shrugged, fingers attempting to tug at a ring that was no longer there. "Oh, you know, I saw Alya when I went back in and figured it would be safer to stay inside until the akuma passed.

Natalie sighed. "Okay Adrien. But next time, try not to forget your belongings in the first place."

"Yes, I'll be sure it won't happen again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, yeah, so there's chapter one. Adrien's okay! Nobody panic.
> 
> This story, and any others I ever write, will always have happy endings, so keep that in mind and I hope you enjoyed this first chapter.


	2. Walking Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien considers his options, and Marinette plans hers. Some days are harder than others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read and left kudos and/or commented on the previous chapter.
> 
> Again I want to make a nod towards the tags.

A part of him died three weeks ago.

Part of him was left behind– with no way to return to those he cared about.

With no way for them to find him either.

It had been three weeks. Three weeks since he had a restful nights sleep. Three weeks his dreams filled with the screams that filled Paris that day.

Part of Adrien wanted to come back. To return in a heartfelt reunion with his Lady. Sweep her into his arms and promise he'd never leave again.

That was how these stories worked, right?

If only things were that simple.

And maybe if he wanted it enough, maybe everything _could_ work out that way.

But... he couldn't bring himself to want it enough. Because, the fact was, a part of him wanted to stay dead to Paris, to Rena Rouge, Carapace, Queen Bee... to Ladybug.

He was _happy_ to be gone. No one really needed him, in any case. Circumstances simply caught up with what was surely inevitable. It seemed the magical ladybugs must have agreed, as they always restored things to how they were _supposed_ to be.

This really was for the best. It didn't require anyone to disown him. No one would be forced to put the words together and say what was on all of their minds the entire time, ever since he got his miraculous. To say the words that Papillon had no fear saying. _You're worthless._

Yes, he actually remembered his time spent possessed by the akuma. He remembered it all.

He remembered how it felt when his own hand slammed into his chest. All of his anger, frustration, and self loathing concentrated in his hand. Cataclysm merely brought a tangible representation for how his heart already felt, and as such it welcomed the pain eagerly.

Ridding himself of the akuma hadn't even crossed his mind. But in hindsight, that would have made a good cover story if had he been brought back to life as his alter-ego.

He remembered screaming and throwing his arm in Ladybug's face, forcing her to react by briefly shutting her eyes and looking away. He didn't want her to _see_ her partner disappear. He didn't want her to _hear_ the sound of his heart as it stopped. He didn't want to scar her like that.

That look in her eyes though, right beforehand. It was a look of absolute betrayal. She thought that he was going to kill _her_. She thought _she_ was about to die.

How would he ever be able to erase that image from his mind? He probably shouldn't even be allowed to. The nightmares were suitable punishment for causing her such distress.

He only hoped Ladybug would soon find peace without him, and she wouldn't let guilt get in the way of the fact that she was better off without him. She'd be able to move on. She'd keep fighting the bad guys and saving the day.

As for him, well...

He might also be able to move on. Eventually. He just had to give it time.

_"How do you do it, Plagg, live for so many millennia and not, I dunno... not get tired of it?"_

_"You want to know how I do it? One day at a time, Adrien. One day at a time."_

Plagg may have been a floating stomach, but he could be quite insightful every so often... when he felt like it.

Plagg...

Of course, his small mythical friend was nowhere to be found when he returned back home that fateful day.

Even though it had already been three weeks, he still found himself pulling back his jacket to look inside. Old habits die hard, he supposed.

Adrien has since felt so alone.

Despite just turning 19 years old, he still lived with his father in that enormous, empty mansion that he grew up in. His bedroom may have changed since he was younger, but the rest of the house was just as cold as ever. Ever since he lost his mom.

God he missed her, especially now.

Adrien quickened his pace, turning towards the chilly Autumn wind in an attempt to dry the tears before they hit his face. He was able to convince Natalie to allow him to walk to school today, although he had to promise he'd at least be driven back.

Not willing to bite the hand that feeds, he agreed.

He was glad that his father allowed him the independence to go to school on his own when requested.

It wasn't even that far, really, and he enjoyed walking past the Dupain-Cheng bakery on the way there. The smells coming out of there always made his mouth water.

Perhaps one day he'd walk in and order something.

He just didn't want to be a bother.

Their daughter, Marinette Dupain-Cheng, also attended the same design school his father enrolled him in. If he came in one day, he wondered if she'd say yes if he asked her to walk there together. Or maybe she would find that weird.

He ducked his head behind his scarf, squinting his eyes almost shut, as a gust of wind blew in his direction. It was biting cold today.

"Oh no! My designs!" he heard someone cry.

Just as he heard the words uttered, a paper flew directly in his face, blocking his vision. He didn't have time to react as he next felt the softness of fabric as it violently knocked him onto the pavement, leaving him breathless.

Removing the page from view, he saw it was none other than Marinette resting on top of him. Her eyes were wide and her cheeks flushed. For a moment Adrien's heart caught itself in his throat.

The moment was fleeting, however, as she stumbled to a kneeling position beside him. Marinette outstretched her hand and helped him to his feet as she rose herself. Their gazes locked and Adrien wasn't sure what to think. It was as if his brain short circuited. They both stared at each other... probably for longer than socially acceptable, upon which Marinette realised her papers were still flying across Paris, and she abruptly broke off to collect them.

It took Adrien a second longer to realize what she was doing before he joined in chase after the designs that fell victim to such a blustery morning.

As he placed the final page in her hands, she gave him a weak smile. "Thanks Adrien. I'm sorry I was such a bother. You didn't have to help me with all this... it was my own fault." her eyes bore into the small stack of papers in her hands, as if she was silently also blaming them.

"No... it's not, you're not, I mean, you're never a bother. I don't know why you'd think..." he trailed off, unsure what to say.

"I was in a hurry to get to my morning class– it starts at seven thirty can you believe that? who does that?– and I didn't have time to find my folder so... I thought I could make it without..." she trailed off, noticing Adrien's watch peek out from his jacket sleeve. Eyes suddenly going wide, she groaned, "But now I'm so late I won't even be able to sneak in. The professor _can't stand_ being interrupted."

"So maybe he should sit."

"What?"

"Uh—nothing! I meant, well..." Adrien wasn't sure why he was so off this morning. Usually he was so comfortable around his friend. Maybe it was all this walking, it gave himself way too much time inside his own head. "... a joke, your professor can't stand, erm..."

He tried to formulate the words, but his heart was beating so fast. He was so dumb, he couldn't even talk to a girl, one of his closest friends, without getting all mixed up. She's going to leave him too. And why shouldn't she?

Marinette looked so uncomfortable right now. She pivoted from side to side on the balls of her heels, trying to keep a grip on her papers.

Tears pricked again at his eyes, but there was no wind now to push them back. His lip curled down into a pout and he said "I'm sorry for making you late. If I hadn't run into you—"

"Then I'd still be chasing my assignment all across Paris!" Marinette countered. "I should be _thanking_ you, for that. Thanks by the way." A dorky smile opened up across her face. Adrien felt a little lighter.

They both paused, neither sure what to say next. Adrien inhaled and made to say goodbye, when Marinette spoke first.

"Would you like to come inside? I mean—not that you _should_ , just you might have class too and don't have time. That's why you were walking just now obviously ha ha." Adrien raised an eyebrow, unsure he was following, but not wanting to be impolite. "But if you have time you are definitely welcome. I mean, you _are_ hot— I mean, the food is not, err, the bakery is warm and it's frilly outside."

"You mean chilly."

"Yes! That's exactly what I'm saying."

Adrien looked at Marinette, then down at his watch. It was only seven forty-five. He didn't have class until eight twenty. He had left his house early because he didn't know how long it would take, and it seemed that he overestimated the distance.

_Should_ he come inside? He was just imagining a similar situation a short while ago. But that still didn't make it a wise decision on his part. This morning, and in this moment, he was feeling particularly fragile. Maybe it was because they hadn't spoken much lately since she was akumatised, or maybe it was because looking into her blue eyes brought him back to his nightmares. At any rate, he didn't want to say something stupid again and ruin the moment either. His eyes started to sting. _Not this, not now._

Marinette frowned a little as she waited for an answer, but Adrien felt paralyzed. He didn't trust his voice or his ability to keep composure. So he stood there and forced a smile and a nod, hoping she'd fill in the blanks. This he could do.

Marinette's frown deepened for a moment until she realized he was agreeing with her, in which case her jaw dropped slightly and Adrien wondered why it was so surprising that he said yes.

Side by side, the pair approached the entrance to the bakery. Adrien shifted so as to allow her to open the door, though in hindsight it was a store entrance so he could have done it himself too. He's not exactly winning today in the act natural department.

Marinette didn't seem to notice his faux pas however. Once inside, she called out a greeting to her mother.

"Back already, Marinette? Didn't you have class today?"

Marinette blushed. "Uhm well, I _did_ have class, but it's a bit of a long story. Adrien doesn't start his class for another half hour, so we were going to grab a bite here while we wait."

Sabine's eyes lingered on the two college students, before she smiled. "Help yourself dears." she said, and returned to work.

"Please sit down, Adrien." Marinette motioned to a spare seat  "I'll grab us something. Want a coffee?"

He nodded.

Watching Marinette work helped him relax. He wasn't required to say anything, and she was so focused on her task that she either didn't notice or mind his silence. Some time to rest before starting his busy day was exactly what he needed.

Especially given that last night had been an especially rough one, he mused.

The times he didn't spend lying awake in bed until early morning, he spent having endless nightmares about _that_ day. Three weeks ago.

Usually he could push these intrusive thoughts to the corner of his mind by daybreak, but with he and Marinette virtually alone together... well... it was a struggle to say the least.

She had run away so _fast_ after he freed the akuma from her earring. Adrien wasn't sure he ever saw anyone so full of terror _after_ being rescued.

Maybe she knew that without Ladybug, she was still at risk.

She knew that he alone couldn't save anybody.

He never could, and he never will.

This train of thought was a downward spiral and he knew it. He needed to put the brakes on. He couldn't change the past. He couldn't—

"Aie!!"

Adrien was startled away from his thoughts and tried to register what just happened. Marinette was holding one hand in the other, a grimace locked on her face. Wasting no more time, he strode over to her from around the counter. It looked like she was slicing some bread when her hand must have slipped. Both her and the knife were bloody.

"Marinette!" he exclaimed. "What happened? You're hand!" He could hear his voice shake more than was necessary given the situation, and he knew she noticed it too. Moving past that, he took her injured hand in his and guided her to the sink to wash the wound. Sabine entered seconds later.

"Marinette, Adrien, what—oh! Hang on, I'll get the first aid kit!"

Adrien stood behind Marinette at the sink, still holding her injury under the flow of the water. He was glad to be behind her, because he couldn't stop the burst of tears that came shortly after he spoke up. He didn't even know why they were here! There was literally nothing to cry over. Marinette was fine. She was fine. Why was he trembling?

"Adrien, I think I'm okay now. Thank you." Marinette kept her back turned, but removed her hand from his. At that moment Sabine rentered and Adrien quickly turned away to wipe his eyes with his sleeve.

"You really need to be more careful Marinette. Are you sure nothing has been bothering you, dear?" she inquired while applying a bandage.

"No!" Both Marinette and Adrien replied. The girls looked at Adrien and he smiled nervously, putting his hands in the air.

"Really, I'm just clumsy. That's all." Marinette continued. "Sorry Adrien."

He cleared his throat. "It's no problem."

After that, Sabine stayed and prepared them both some coffee and bread to enjoy with what time remained.

 

They left together laughing.

"So I said, if you continue like that, we'll both turn into pumpkins!" Marinette said in between giggles as she held the door.

Adrien's was smiling so big it hurt. "You're amazing Marinette. Expert designer, baker, gamer, and even storyteller. What _can't_ you do?"

Laughter settling back down, she replied "Oh, I can think of a few things."

"They must not be very important if you can't do them."

She smiled wistfully at that. "Maybe."

Adrien checked his watch. Only 5 minutes. He'd be a little late now, but it was worth it today. He could tell his father it took him longer than expected and maybe next time he'd leave even more time in case he ran into Marinette again.

He'd liked the idea of doing this again.

Saying goodbye, Adrien made to walk towards the sidewalk across the street. From there he could shave off a few minutes by cutting across the park and—"

"Wait!"

Adrien froze as two arms reached from behind and snaked around his chest, holding him close.

"Wh–what?" he whispered.

A car whizzed past him just then, only a foot away. He felt the breeze created by its motion as it passed by. He held his breath.

He could have died.

And yet a part of him was angry at Marinette.

On cue, Marinette dropped her arms. "Sorry. My hand still hurts where I got cut and I just reacted any way I could."

Jaw clenched, he responded. "No problem. You probably saved my life there... thanks."

"Looks like we're both kind of out of it today, heh" she laughed nervously.

He didn't respond.

"Say, would you mind if I joined you... walking to campus that is?" she'd asked hopefully.

Adrien wasn't one to let someone down on purpose. "Of course. You're always welcome to walk with me."

"Okay. I'll be right back. My bag is just inside." she darted back inside to retrieve her belongings. Adrien waited where he stood.

Staring at the pavement, Adrien wondered what _he'd_ look like if he'd been there. He's certain it would have freaked Marinette.

He was just having _fun_. He had just been _laughing_. He had been _planning_ to repeat this. Right now, at this very time, he was in a _good mood_.

Didn't people only want to die when they were depressed? Like, sad?

He shrugged to himself, not caring enough on the topic to dwell on it.

 

Their hands brushed as they walked, neither finding it necessary to move away, nor attempt to interweave fingers.

Adrien decided he should strike up a conversation. "So... how has it been juggling school and work at your family's bakery?"

Marinette looked in his direction as they walked. "Overall I'd say better than expected. Crossing my fingers a little but I think I'll finally have a place of my own in another month or two."

"That's great! You work so hard and I'm glad it's paying off."

"What about you, Adrien? Don't you want to move out of your dad's place?"

"Maybe eventually." he shrugged. "Honestly I hadn't even really considered it. I have everything I need there."

For some reason he couldn't place, Marinette appeared disappointed in his answer.

"But, er... that could always change. It might be good for me to stretch out with some space of my own."

She nodded in agreement.

The rest of their walk was quiet, but peaceful. By the time they reached Adrien's building, he was only a few minutes late. With enough luck they were still handing back yesterday's quiz and he hadn't missed anything.

"Well, this is my stop." he chuckled at how cliche that sounded. "Thanks for walking with me today."

"Anytime."

_Really?_ he thought as his face once again tensed into a grim smile. He was a yo-yo of emotions today. But Marinette was great about it. He was pretty sure she noticed _at least a little bit_ , but she hadn't pressed him on it at all.

"Can I hug you?" he mumbled.

"What?" Marinette wasn't sure she caught what he said as she had already started to leave. Her cheeks were tinged pink.

"I— I said, can I see you, again? ...tomorrow that is?"

"Sure Adrien, same time." Marinette grinned as she took off.

As he pulled the building door open, he heard her shriek to herself "Ah no! I told him the same time but that's when I was late to class! This is a disaster!" He laughed and made a mental note to arrive earlier the next day.

 

Before heading to her next class, Marinette took a detour.

"Have you decided what you're going to do, Marinette?"

"Shh! Hide Tikki, there's people around! I'll explain once we get to Master Fu's."

Tikki looked expectantly at Marinette as she jogged through the streets."I hope this all works out okay..." she murmured.

Marinette nearly scared Master Fu half to death when she slammed open the door to his shop.

 

"... so you're telling me, Chat Noir is, _dead?"_ He stared incredulously at Marinette who was sipping her tea.

"Not dead! He's gone." she took a deep breath. "I know he's out there somewhere."

At this, Master Fu visibly relaxed. "In any case, I can check up on him discreetly. Based on what you've told me, Chat Noir destroyed his own ring to free the akuma, but in the process miscalculated and used his own power on himself?" He mulled that over for a moment. "No... no he can't use cataclysm on himself in that way. Even with the power of the papillon miraculous at play, the most damage he could do is temporary until the ladybug restores it all."

"So, why didn't he come back?"

"Isn't _that_ the question we'd all like to know, hm?" he asked rhetorically. "The ladybug restores everything to its proper form. The only reason I could imagine him not returning as his superhero self is... if he really had given up."

Marinette choked on her drink, slamming her cup to the table.

"That's not true! Chat never gives up! Heck, that boy never knows when to quit!"

"Do you have a theory of your own?"

At this, she didn't have an answer.

Taking a sip of his own tea, Master Fu seemed to contemplate his next words. "We'll need to return the ring of the black cat to the miracle box."

"What? But what do we do about Chat Noir?"

"There's nothing _to_ do."

"But how will I fight without him?"

"You'll still have other miraculous holders as you need them."

"But what if he's in trouble and needs help?"

Master Fu's face fell and he sighed softly, as if reasoning with a child. "I know you care deeply for him, Marinette." he said, picking up the ring sitting in between them. "But he did this to himself. And given how closely _you_ came towards being the target, I no longer believe it's safe to have such powerful creations out at the same time."

Standing, Master Fu approached and unlocked the miracle box. He placed the ring inside.

"Please, Master, you don't have to do this. We can figure out another way."

He looked longingly at the few items still present in the box. "I wish there was something. You are a kind and optimistic person, something the world needs more of. But I've seen a lot in my time. I don't want to give you false hope but..."

"But?"

"... no. No I won't do that to you. I'm sorry. Chat Noir no longer can fight by your side."

 

Marinette exited the same way she came in.

Once down a few blocks and well out of hearing range, she exclaimed, "What does he know that he won't tell me?!"

"You should try to understand what he's saying Marinette." stated Tikki, emerging from her hiding place in her purse.

"Whose side are you on?" Marinette deadpanned.

"I'm on your side! But what if something happened to you, back then? What if Chat Noir touched _you_ instead? He was _akumatised_ , after all. We had no idea what would happen. _You had no idea—"_

"I get it, alright?"

Tikki slouched, and Marinette recognized her outburst.

Extending her hands so that her friend could rest upon them, Marinette brushed her cheek against Tikki's. "I'm sorry, I guess I got carried away. So... what are we going to do now?"

"Get me some cheese! I want Camembert!"

"That's all you ever eat!"

Plagg flew out of the same small purse Marinette carried with her.

"My handbag smells like moldy socks, ugh!" She waved her hand over her bag to help air it out the best she could.

"Bring me back to my holder and you won't have to smell it ever again. Nice trick by the way." he added. "A handmade miraculous... couldn't have thought of something better myself." Plagg grinned.

"Thank you, glad someone appreciated it." Marinette smiled at Tikki to show she said it only in jest.

"So, are you still planning to search for Chat Noir, against the master's wishes?"

Marinette pursed her lips. "I know he doesn't want me to, and I know our identities must be kept a secret. But I can't do this without him."

"You've already fought two akumas since he's been gone, successfully I might add." Plagg interjected.

"It's not the same."

"What, the part where you not only defeat the evil, but rescue your damsel in distress to boot?"

Tikki and Marinette regarded Plagg with identical surprised expressions.

"What? Do I really need to say it?" he crossed his tiny arms. "Chat Noir is useless and he knows it."

"Plagg! How could you say that?!" Tikki cried.

"Well you won't!" he shot back.

"I agree with Tikki, what gives Plagg? Didn't you _want_ to be reunited?"

"Oh, believe me, I do. He has the best cheese."

"Is that all you care about?"

Plagg floated down to the top of Marinette's purse, letting out a long sigh. He looked down as if searching for something. Finally, he spoke. "Look, until you two understand how he feels, you're not going to get him to come back." he jumped down further into the bag. "And if you think your going to convince him away from his feelings the same way you just tried to convince me, I'll be eating lackluster cheddar for months. See you both; I'm going to take a nap. Call me when there's food."

Marinette and Tikki exchanged looks, then looked back at the purse.

"Let's go Tikki, maybe if we get back to campus early enough I can find you both a snack."

 

Soon enough she returned to campus, and with only one more street to cross, Marinette was feeling anxious to get back. She stopped at the traffic light and waited for the signal. It must be close to noon, given the jump in both vehicles and foot traffic. Time to get lunch before her next class.

A movement caught Tikki's attention. "Marinette!" she called out, pointing. "Isn't that Adrien on the other side?"

"Hm... Adrien?"

Marinette looked up from her handbag, back across the street. Sure enough Adrien had just appeared from around the corner, but he was with someone. Someone who was _really_ hanging on his is arm. Someone like...

"Lila..." Marinette grumbled under her breath.

From her vantage point, she couldn't tell what they were talking about. But she wanted to know. Lila was always up to something, and she needed to protect Adrien.

The crossing light turned green, signaling that it was now safe, but Marinette had already reversed position. A new goal was now in her mind.

Transforming quickly, she yo-yo'ed atop the nearest roof to get a better view.

Adrien had made to cross, but Lila grabbed his shoulder and held him back. From there, things appeared to get heated. Adrien was attempting to free himself without causing a scene, but she would have none of it. Their faces were close so she still couldn't make out what was being said.

She could swoop in now and rescue him, but he may not appreciate the gesture, she reasoned. So she waited.

Whatever was being said, he was _not_ taking it well. Adrien pushed his collar upright, slinking down into his jacket as she continued to invade his space. Both hands now gripped his shoulders. Marinette wondered why he wasn't fighting back. Even _she_ could see he was uncomfortable, all the way from here. And no one else stepped in. They all just kept to their business and went about their day.

That's why this town needed heroes like her. Heroes who _would_ step up.

"But it's not what _I_ want!" it was his voice she heard first.

"You're a hopeless romantic! Don't you see—" Lila's voice could be heard next, but became muffled as Adrien pulled her closer, clearly trying to keep this conversation between just them."

Just then, Adrien attempted to wrestle himself from her grip. Before Marinette could extend her yo-yo, he pushed himself off of her, but also stumbled into the street.

Then, he just _stood_ there. A truck horn blared deafeningly. He didn't even flinch.

Was he dazed?

Was he _stupid?_

Was he _high?!_

Lila looked just as stunned, when the realization hit that _he wasn't going to get out of the way in time._

Marinette acted with lightning speed.

Before he got turned into a _fucking pancake_ on the pavement, Parisiens watched as Ladybug miraculously appeared out of nowhere, saving a random idiot from being run down in the middle of the day. That was going into the Ladyblog.

Adrien did feel good pressed against her.

She didn't dwell on that thought for long however, not upon seeing his expression right upon contact.

His eyes were shut. His face relaxed, slack, as if his mind was elsewhere. Was he actually high?!

After landing, Marinette checked him over. He immediately crumpled into her arms.

"Ladybug, it's you. You— you're here. Oh god. I didn't, I'm not..." His mouth hung agape, eyes bore a hole into the ground beneath them.

"I'm so sorry!" Without warning, he launched himself deeper into her embrace. Marinette wrapped her arms around him, unsure what to do next. She didn't understand. She didn't know what was wrong or how to help.

Despite not knowing, there was a clear sense of urgency present. She needed to do the right thing. Adrien was vulnerable in her arms, not attempting to get up, no longer speaking, not even crying. He was just... there.

She held him tighter.

"Adrien," Marinette hesitated.

"I'm sorry." he repeated. "That—ah," he inhaled a staggered breath.

"Take your time." she said. "You almost were hit by a truck. You need to be more careful, you know? Have some self-preservation." he laughed, but it came out bitter.

"Oh, you're right. I almost did this time, I..." he buried his face in her neck. "I almost again... almost..." he trailed off.

"It's okay Adrien." she soothed, massaging his back. "It was an accident."

"What?"

"It was an accident. It wasn't your fault."

"It wasn't. Right."

Heavy, strangled breaths was all Marinette could process as they sat there, limbs intertwined. She hadn't forgotten this morning. This was the second time she pulled him back from death's door.

She couldn't keep doing this.

She had to tell him how important he was, to those around him, and to her.

Tomorrow. When he arrived at her place. Even if she had to skip first class to wait for him. She'd wait.

Chat Noir had never hesitated. Chat Noir never worried what she'd think. He knew how he felt and he told her. Every time he saw her. He told her he cared like it was the last time he'd ever see her again.

And then it _was_ the last time.

"Was that day an accident too?" he murmured.

Marinette did a double take. "What do you mean?"

"I— well, there's been no sign of Chat N— your partner, that is. I just assumed—" Adrien pulled back slightly, as she reduced her hold on him.

"You did _just assume_!" she replied, harsher than she intended. Such a statement caught her off guard.

"I'm sorry!" he exclaimed. "I need to go." he pushed himself upright, but his legs were shaking. Marinette didn't want to leave him in this state. "I'll be careful in the future...promise." he stated, looking down at where she still sat.

He turned to leave, gathering himself first. "It wasn't an accident." Marinette began, quietly. Adrien paused to listen, his hands balled into fists on impulse. "Chat Noir... he..."

"He was okay with disappearing. With leaving it all behind, even _you?"_ his last words barely above a whisper.

"No!" she insisted. "You've got it all wrong! He didn't want to go, but... he was trying to protect... he was—"

"Do you love him?"

"What, do I...?"

"Do you love him? _Do you love Chat Noir?"_

"That's kind of personal, don't you think? At any rate, I'm not here right now for Chat Noir. I'm here for you."

Adrien took a step forward, not looking back. "I'm in your debt, Ladybug. Thank you for rescuing me... again."

As he walked away from the scene, he could hear Ladybug's yo-yo whiz behind him.

Turning back around the corner, he saw that Lila had remained there, waiting for him.

Pulling him close, she immediately began scolding his actions. Together, they left. She was rambling on, but in Adrien's mind there was nothing but static.

The thing about accidents is just that, they are accidents.

No one could have seen it coming.

There was nothing anyone could have done.

It was nobody's _fault_.

Accidents wipe clean the slates of everyone involved. It puts the event into the hands of fate or god or the universe.

The thing is about accidents, they are easier for everyone to move on from.

That was Adrien's favorite part about them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adrien needs someone to save him from himself. Poor boy, but next chapter will be better for him, I promise. ;) He'll get the break he deserves and hopefully I'll have earned that explicit rating.


	3. A Restful Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time in over a month, Adrien has a restful night's sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I can't write such a heavy topic without breaking it up with some fun. Life's just not constantly one feeling like that. We have good days and bad. This is a good day, er- _night_ for Adrien. Enjoy.

Adrien's hand traveled to his mouth as he suppressed a groan, then trailed down his chin, before finally flopping onto his desk with a _thud_.

It was still early, but he had finished all of his work for the night. He sat in his room at his desk, legs crossed, still dressed, and wondered what to do. He should turn in early. Tomorrow he had an exam, and he still hadn't gotten a restful night's sleep in... how long had it been? Too long now to remember. The semester was already over halfway through.

He was plagued to relive this hell each and every time he slept. He was sure of it.

He had no reason to believe tonight would be any different.

Leaning back into his desk chair, he rocked gently... back and forth... and back... and forth... and he closed his eyes.

It only seemed to be once he fell asleep that the nightmares would come. Right now, while still awake, he could doze and try to forget his troubles.

Slowly, he began unbuttoning his dress shirt, fingertips grazing bare skin and he shivered.

He needed to get changed for bed, but he was pretty comfortable in his chair, so for now he just let his top hang open across his bare chest. He normally wore an undershirt, but modeling this afternoon required he get dressed and undressed quickly, so he skipped it.

Adrien was tired. As if to prove it to himself, a yawn escaped and he couldn't help but stretch out. His hand fell atop his lap and he may as well undo his belt and zipper. That helped him already to feel a bit less... _mmphf–_ tight. Better. A breeze wafted in from outside, bringing with it the scents of late Autumn.

Such a peaceful evening. The sun was almost completely set, leaving a beautiful red glow in its stead. Night would be here shortly.

How lovely it would look from above the rooftops.

His identity unknown, flying through the skies, he could just be himself. He unconsciously shifted his hand, brushing against his length.

He loved his time as Chat Noir, but like everything else good in life, it had to come to an end.

He rested like that for a few more minutes, soaking in the last few rays of sun, just... enjoying the moment. His breathing slowed and deepened, and he traced an outline up and down. He hummed.

Feeling a twinge of snark, a smile spread across Adrien's lips as he imagined Ladybug seeing him as his real self. _See something you like, my lady?_ _I knew you just couldn't resist._ He ran his fingers through his model hair and gave a brief _swish_ before letting it fall naturally, perfectly framing his face.

 _Ha, like that would happen._ Still, a guy could dream. Especially when he had nothing left.

Suddenly he no longer felt like moving.

Eventually, the beautiful sun set, leaving only a cold night sky in its place. His only company was the faint light from the moon.

How he missed the sun already.

He sighed. Guess it's now or never. He should at least try to sleep. Adrien stood up, letting his pants fall to the floor. He rolled his shoulders back to do the same for his top. Clad only in his briefs, he didn't bother to pick up the clothing before strolling to his dresser drawers.

What would be most comfortable? Sweatpants and a t-shirt sounded perfect. He noticed an old pair he hadn't worn for a few years in his bottom drawer, wow this took him back and— suddenly he found himself blushing beet red.

Did he still have _that_ hiding in there?

A rush pooled between his legs and he felt just _a bit_ more restricted than before. Why did he still have this?

Quickly, Adrien dressed before coming back to the item in question.

He considered his...ahem, toy, for a moment. He purchased it a few years ago, before he met Plagg that is, and had since forgotten about it. He had tried it once, but he was so worried about someone catching him that it just didn't work out.

As for its initial entry into the house– somehow he had managed to buy it without attracting the attention of his father. Hrm... now that he was thinking about it, he couldn't remember what justification he gave when an unmarked package arrived in the mail for one Adrien Agreste. How livid his father would be, to know his son had something like this. An Agreste should be poised and proud. They definitely didn't put things in their... well...

Adrien cleared his throat, putting down the item. He really should get to bed. Maybe another time. He gently held the drawer handle and pushed it shut.

What would Plagg have thought, had he known his human friend thought of performing such acts on himself? For nothing more than sexual gratification? Plagg was pretty old... he must've seen crazier people than Adrien, of course.

Hrm... what kinds of things had Plagg seen... ?

Shaking his head to get _those_ images out of mind, he brought himself back to the situation at hand.

Because Plagg wasn't here anyway, and he never was coming back.

It was just Adrien now.

Alone.

Unable to sleep.

And maybe just a bit aroused. Though to be fair, that still didn't mean he had to use anything other than his own hand. It always did the job just fine.

It would be enough for tonight as well.

With that in mind, he walked to his bed and pulled the covers back. Sparing no more than one last glance at the drawer across the room, he got in.

Adrien closed his eyes and let himself doze in and out. He could feel the heat between his legs that wasn't going away despite how tired he was. He pressed against the heat through the fabric of his pants.

On quiet nights such as this one, Adrien could pretend that he was the only person who existed, and the four walls were all that there was to the universe.

He shifted on his back and gripped himself from underneath his clothing. A small sigh left his lips as his hot cock touched cold hands. The sensation motivated him enough to pull his pants down his hips, far enough to give himself room.

Soft moans and quiet gasps permeated his bedroom.

He was torn between wanting to just finish and get to sleep, and wanting to take his time, knowing he'd be tired tomorrow either way.

So he might as well take his time.

Adrien's cock ached, wanting more as he lightly ghosted his fingers across the tip. He trembled, the other hand gripping the bed sheets as he refused to give into temptation. A few fingers glided the foreskin up and down, and the back of his head sunk further into his pillow.

"Mmf... ha..." he breathed a sound with each tug and pull on his erection. Thoughts of the day faded to the background. He sped up his pace, switching now to use his entire hand, and his voice grew a bit deeper.

He continued steadily, alternating between moving fast and hard and slow and torturous, bringing himself to the edge.

Adrien backed off for a moment, removing his pants entirely since it had gotten quite warmer for him over the last period of time. Now he was much more comfortable. And still so hard.

His hand returned to where he most wanted it, and went back to stroking the same way he started– with feather-like touches and caresses that only served to rile him up more. His other hand disengaged with the sheets so as to cup himself, playing with his balls as he worked himself back to the edge. He whined loudly enough that had the neighboring room actually been occupied, someone would have complained.

"Eahh, ah... oh fuck!" He cursed loudly as he came. He wasn't prepared, expecting to hang on just a bit longer, and came in a hot mess on his sheets.

Groaning at what he'd just done, Adrien just laid there, a mix of relief and frustration present. As he came back down from his high, he sighed and made to stand up. The sheets would need to go in the wash. Thankfully, he was allowed to take care of his own laundry. No one should ask any questions if tomorrow he also washed his own sheets. He mused on this as he tossed them, along with his shirt and pants, into the hamper.

He replaced the sheets and then turned his attention to the fact that he was now nude and spent all over himself.

"I guess I needed a shower anyway." he said to no one.

Adrien walked over to his personal bathroom, another perk he was grateful of this evening.

His legs felt weak as his made the trek across. Part of him considered sitting, but he'd surely fall asleep in that case. He chuckled at the irony and pressed on until he arrived at his destination. Turning the knob to begin the water flow, he felt his body relax tensions he didn't realize he still had.

The room quickly filled with steam as he worked to clean himself up. Against his will, images of _that_ night replayed in his mind. They just never seemed to leave. Every night it was the same.

He felt guilty wishing for the nightmares to end.

Tonight wasn't going to be any different, but he didn't have to give in to the distress right away. He promised himself he'd sleep in torment later, but while he was awake... while he was awake he would let himself be happy.

The water soothed his skin as he washed his body. Adrien felt his mood already was uplifted, just standing here in the shower. He let the water wash away his stress, his troubles, everything. There would be a time later to deal with it all. Now it was about him.

He finished up after a few minutes and shut the water off. Towel around his midsection, he made his way back to bed. He snuggled himself under the fresh blankets, and waited for sleep to finally come.

But it didn't.

He lay there, naked, wide awake and still unsatisfied despite having orgasmed not even fifteen minutes prior.

Adrien turned his head to the side and his gaze locked onto the small drawer across the room.

The drawer with the... with the _toy_ in it.

Adrien swallowed and thought for a moment. He was alone. He was an adult. He was able to make his own decisions.

_He was allowed to feel good._

He still hadn't completely recovered from previously, but he had a different kind of yearning building in him. He wanted to be held, to be loved, to be... hrm. He let out a soft moan.

_He wanted to be fucked._

God he wanted that.

He wanted that so much.

Fine then. No one was here. Best time to try something semi-new, right? Adrien reasoned internally, warmth again returning to his cheeks. Okay, so he just needed to get up and go grab it then. Simple. Easy.

He lifted the blanket covering his body, suddenly feeling very exposed in his nakedness. Walking back over, he once again opened the drawer, this time picking up the object of interest. He frowned. This wasn't going to do on it's own. He moved to his desk drawer and rummaged through the contents, pulling out a small bottle of lubricant. He'd need this as well.

Adrien would be lying to himself if he wasn't feeling just a little self-conscious. Although it would be easier if he turned a light on at this point, he preferred to keep the room dark, illuminated only from the light outside.

Just the act of obtaining his items was enough to turn him on. His breathing was shallow by the time he made it back with everything.

He laid back on the bed and placed both the lube and his toy next to him. He then closed his eyes and pretended he was going to sleep.

He knew he wasn't, but doing this quelled the embarrassment.

After a minute, he reached for the toy. It wasn't ready, but he was going to work up to it. First, he felt it in his hands. Solid, thick. A quiet moan escaped his lips. One hand slid it's way down his body then, past his dick, towards his entrance. He slid a finger up and down, feeling both anxious and impatient.

"Ahh, ah" his voice cracked at what he was doing, even though he hadn't really even gotten started. If he was already this bad, how was he... ?

Needing more, he cracked open the tube and pressed some lube onto his fingers. _No one was here_ , he reminded himself.

Slowly, he swept his hand back and forth, slowly sliding in as far as he could reach. It wasn't exactly what he wanted, but the eroticness of it was getting him erect again. But no. He needed to use the toy.

Removing his hand, he applied lube onto the toy and guided it towards where he wanted it. Very slowly, he applied pressure and positioned it just at his entrance, not yet wanting to go in. Just doing that felt so, so _amazing_. Adrien released the breath he'd been holding and just fell limp onto the bed. His arm almost wanted to stop, but then he wouldn't get to have so much _fun_.

He pushed the toy inside, slowly, reveling in the way it felt. It was almost too much. He started to move it, but then a small discomfort set in. He hadn't coated it properly, and now that it was inside it felt too rough.

Adrien suddenly felt an irrational anger well up from his stomach. He didn't understand it, but a sudden self loathing took over and he considered forcing the toy to move, purposely causing himself pain.

He deserved the pain. He should fuck himself to tears. He should...

He should relax and clear his head. Adrien didn't have any interest in pain, at least not tonight. Tonight was about _pleasure_.

He removed the toy and got it ready properly this time.

This time, when he placed it back at his entrance, he gasped. Adrien ran it up and down a few times before placing it inside him, writhing at the feeling of being filled.

His cheek rubbed against the pillow as he basked in this new sensation. He was going so slowly but couldn't care less anymore about what time it was or how long it would take. All that mattered was right now. Eyes half lidded, he slowly moved it out... and back in.

"Haah... oh.. ah—" he trailed off into incoherent sounds and breaths as the friction of the movement took him over. He alternated, in and out... in, fullness, submission... out, pleasure and wanting. Back and forth. Complete bliss.

He rocked and moaned on the bed, back pushing into the sheets as the rhythmic sound of his pleasure echoed for a second time throughout his room.

The moon kissed his face while painting his features with a soft pale light and highlighting his hips as they rolled in unison with his hands. He was panting and sweating and feeling so full and so hot, nude and in control.

His voice rose with each well timed thrust and his head flew back, mouth agape, when he hit just that _right spot_. Adrien buried further into the folds of his sheets.

He died and went to heaven, because this is what fucking heaven felt like. And he never wanted to leave.

Using the toy on himself like this just helped everything else in his mind to float away. And it felt so, _so_ good.

"Ah.. ... hah.. hh.." his mouth slightly hung open wordlessly as his eyes stared at nothing on the ceiling.

He pumped evenly, then with a bit more fervor. His hands started to slip a little from the lube, and a chuckle escaped him at how ridiculous he probably looked in this position. But he was alone, so there was no need to be embarrassed.

Because he really was alone.

 _Shit_. No, not now. He didn't need those thoughts getting in his head, when right now this was about _him_ and _making himself feel good._

He drove the toy in with one hard thrust and gasped. Tears pooled in his eyes but did not break out. He caught himself off guard and the feeling was _intense_ , but not necessarily... bad?

Let's try that again. He started off slow again, warming himself up like before and— ah! oh god, oh...

He kept up his rough, fast pace a while longer, murmuring incoherently to himself. _Please, don't stop_. He gasps when he goes in a little too hard— _oh..._ _hh_ _.. hah!_ He was so hard, his dick begging to be touched, but his hands were currently occupied with his other ministrations and he simply couldn't bring himself away from what already was doing it for him. And _oh_ , _yes_ this was what he needed.

His breathing became erratic as he let himself just stay in the moment, pumping again in a hard and steady rhythm.

Another pair of hands would be nice though, Adrien imagined. And not even for the obvious, hands to run up and down his sides, touch his neck, caress his face, hands that belonged to someone that was showing him just how much she loved him.

 _Touch me, please._ he murmured into the empty room. Begging someone to be there with him, but not really caring that no one answered. A few more thrusts and one hand left its original place to move up his chest.

His pace slowed as his free hand roamed across his torso. Fingers grazed against his nipples and he whimpered. He longed to feel someone's mouth against his, rough and hot, soft and sweet, he didn't care. His eyes closed and he didn't try to resist the image that immediately came into his mind.

 _Long, dark hair._ He thrust again into himself. _Beautiful bluebell eyes._ Another. _How her skin would feel pressed against his own._ Mmpfh god he wanted that. Just for a second. He was so desperate.

Adrien's rogue hand went back to support the other and he pumped fast and hard. Once, twice, three— ah! He inhaled sharply. Okay...he needed release, he couldn't keep going like this.

He grabbed his cock, leaving the toy deep within him, and started his motion. "Ahh!" he moaned loudly, without regard for any decorum. The competing sensations of fullness and getting himself off were indescribable. He didn't want this to end, yet he was working himself so hard he knew he wouldn't last much longer. But this time he was prepared.

Moans came out with each staggered exhale. His eyes were shut in ecstasy. Why had he been denying this to himself before?

He was close, but wanted to feel the toy again, just once more. Switching his hands, he pumped in and out as roughly as his tired arms allowed. A deep, guttural moan escaped him. He muttered under his breath, lost in his own world. _"No... I can't take anymore... ah... yes, fuck me harder that's good...oh...oh please, please!_ _ _haah—__ _!"_ Ready this time with a tissue, he covered himself before unraveling in a silent plea, sweating and panting as he rode out his orgasm.

The tissue only helped him so much this time, he thought as his hand over it quickly became warm from his cum, more spilling down his shaft. But at least it was a contained mess.

"Oh, my god." Adrien huffed, lying completely spent on the bed.

Boneless, Adrien laid there, recovering. None of his muscles wanted to help him to get up to wash the toy.

Eventually, he made his way back to the bathroom. He'd need another shower tomorrow morning, but for now he was fine.

Better than fine even.

Leaving the toy on his nightstand, past caring if anyone saw it tonight, he collapsed back into the folds of his sheets and fell into a deep and blissful sleep.

For the first time in six weeks, he had no nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone deserves to feel good every so often. In case anyone is curious, there is still plenty of time for Marinette to get in on the fun later on. ;)


	4. Adrien's Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marinette continues to avoid telling Adrien her feelings. Adrien knows he is going to have an awesome day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for continuing to comment on my story. It is super motivating to read what others think about it, or even just letting me know you like it.
> 
> I debated about it, but in the end decided to include song lyrics in this chapter. Most likely this will be the only time, but it was pretty fitting and I couldn't come up with anything that better captured what I wanted. The song for reference is titled "Save Me" by Majik, and can be found on SoundCloud. https://soundcloud.com/majikband/save-me-majik-2
> 
> Good time now also to mention I listen to music as I write, so if anyone is interested. My playlist: https://soundcloud.com/user-662669203/sets/a-different-wavelength
> 
> Enjoy.

The following morning had Adrien feeling brand new.

Dragging himself of bed was not the chore that it usually was, as his night was not plagued with nightmares involving his Lady and an akumatised Marinette.

In fact, he even woke up early.

He was feeling so good that he just needed to share his happiness with someone. And given the first person he was going to see was Marinette, it was only natural that she was the one on his mind.

So one can imagine how he had to mask his disappointment when he learned she had already left without him today. He had made it to the Dupain-Cheng bakery in record time too.

"I'm sorry Adrien, but you actually just missed her. She has a very important portfolio she needs to present today. She's been preparing for it for days. I'm surprised she hadn't told you." Sabine explained when she answered the door.

Aw crap, yes, he _did_ remember now. She had been talking about it all week, apologizing profusely for not being able to accompany him to campus on Friday. But his head hadn't been fully present at the time, no thanks to his lack of sleep as of late.

But it would be okay. He wasn't going to let this minor setback detract from his soon to be _amazing_ day. He would catch her in the afternoon, maybe they could even grab lunch or do something else in the evening.

Before he left, Sabine asked him, "Adrien, dear, you're going to be soaked in an hour dressed like that."

He turned and regarded the sky. Where they were standing it was clear blue, but out in the distance a storm could be seen moving in.

He hadn't thought to check the weather either.

"You and my daughter, I tell ya." Sabine shook her head, but was clearly amused by the pair. "Here, this is Marinette's, but she'd want you to have it. This way at least one of you can stay dry today. You can give it back to her next time you see each other." Sabine handed Adrien a black umbrella. One that looked...hrm, kind of familiar to him, but he couldn't place it.

They said their goodbyes and Adrien parted for the sidewalk, not sure yet where he was headed.

His gaze shifted once more to the skies. Now that his mood was brought further down to earth, he could see he missed a lot this morning.

He forgot about Marinette's project.

He forgot to dress appropriately, leading Sabine to give away her daughter's umbrella.

Some friend he was.

Adrien let out a sigh. Despite these setbacks, he was still feeling pretty good. He could fix this. Make things up to Marinette in a way he hoped she'd like.

With some newly found time to kill, he dialed his _other_ best friend, smiling widely when he answered.

"Hey Nino? It's me. Say... do you have time to talk? Oh nothing in particular... no no... this time it's good. You wouldn't happen to have any advice on how to take a girl out on a date?"

 

Marinette hoped the rain wouldn't break before she could get her portfolio somewhere safe. She worked so hard all semester on her designs, and yet all of it could literally be washed away because of not checking the weather forecast.

Sometimes she felt like her head was always in the clouds.

But then it would have noticed the rain.

Just a bit further and she'd reach her student advisor's building. Her advisor always let her stash designs in her office. Problem solved. Crisis averted.

Just then, the crash of thunder echoed the sky. Startled, Marinette's hand slipped and a couple articles of clothing fell from the box she was carrying. A droplet of water fell to the ground. Panicking, she bend over to retrieve her item, when another's hand beat her to it.

"Luka?" she asked. "What are you doing over here? I thought the school of music was on the opposite side of campus?"

"It is. But I'm here to talk to my advisor. Almost all of them share this same building here."

"Oh, right. Makes sense, ehhe" she smiled sheepishly.

"So how have you been? I don't think I've seen you all year. Enjoying your studies here?" he struck up casual conversation as he took her box and helped carry it inside the building.

"Yes! Definitely yes!"

Luka raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Definitely, huh? That's... interesting. I dunno..." he trailed off, retrieving something from his oversized coat. A small harmonica.

Bringing it just barely before his lips, he said, "You seemed to be feeling more off, more like this." he closed the distance and played a short tune. "Whatever's being left undone, maybe go about it like this." He played again.

Marinette stood there, a small pout on her face, thinking about what he was trying to express.

Something left undone.

Luka was right, Marinette did have something left undone. She thought back to Adrien's near collision, which now seemed so far in the past.

She vowed to herself on that day that she'd stop waiting, stop fooling around and just _tell_ him already. Tell him how she felt. But she hadn't.

A month passed since the incident. After almost losing him, she made a point to invite him to walk with her to university every morning. She was able to do that much.

And yet... despite all those chances, all those opportunities to just tell him, she carried on like normal. What was holding her back?

A hand on her shoulder made her realize Luca's song ended.

She smiled at him. "I think you're right Luka. Thanks. I think that was exactly what I needed to hear."

"My pleasure. Anytime. I hope you succeed in what you're trying to accomplish." He handed back her box, turning right down the hall while she needed to go left.

Marinette watched him leave, finding it fascinating how someone who struggled as much as him in talking to people, seemed also to have perfect intuitive knowledge of those around him. If she could see inside his head, she'd surely unlock the secrets to the universe.

He was absolutely right that she felt off, because she was worried about Adrien. Since the beginning of university, he just wasn't himself.

He was hiding things from her. Behind his sunny disposition were eyes full of regret and loneliness. A deep pain she didn't understand. She caught him from time to time, when he thought no one else was looking. How he'd stare off into nothing, as if only his body were still present in this world. Times like those, she feared touching him would shatter the image before her, and he'd disappear, as if never having existed in the first place.

Though, in reality, she _had_ touched him a couple times in that state, and far from disappearing, she saved his life each time. She anchored him to this world, kept him from blowing away.

Checking to see that she was now alone, she placed her box on the floor against the wall. Reaching under her shirt, she lifted a necklace chain with her partner's ring on it. Cupping it tenderly in her hands, she brought it close again to her heart.

This was the closest she could get to being comforted by him. She knew that, if he could, Chat Noir would be by her side in an instant, willing to help with anything. He was _her_ anchor, always supporting her when she was Ladybug.

Chat Noir's eyes also were cryptic. So much in fact you couldn't see what they actually looked like. What secrets did he hide behind that cat-themed disguise? She knew that each transformation reflected the will of the holder. What was he _trying_ to hide?

Maybe if she knew the answer, she'd know how to find him.

 

After finding her advisor and once again grovelling to use her office for emergency storage, Marinette went to step back outside.

The clouds had fully arrived while she was still inside. Now, it was raining pretty good, but not a downpour yet. She took a few steps out, not yet past the safety of the overhang that was currently keeping her dry, and she saw him.

Adrien.

With... her umbrella? Well, technically it was _his_ , but what was he doing with it?

He was also holding something in his other hand. She squinted, trying to get a better look from so far away. Whatever it was, he was clutching it close to his chest, probably trying to keep it out of the rain.

Other than that... he was just... standing. Again.

Looking into the void.

_Or enjoying the rain._ she self countered. _People did that too._

She wished she knew what he was thinking about. But she didn't want to ask.

She started to approach, but realizing she didn't have more then her jacket had her immediately retreating back.

She decided to wait.

For a movement, something.

Although he was maybe only a hundred feet away, it seemed like so many more.

Perhaps she should call out to him? She didn't really want to make a scene, but it was also pretty much empty outside. Everyone except the two of them had enough sense to stay inside during a thunderstorm.

Wait, a _thunder_ storm. He was holding an _umbrella_.

Marinette ran.

As she closed the distance between them, she saw— or rather, she _heard_ it.

He was singing!

That crazy boy was singing! It would be his last song though if he didn't put that thing down!

Almost there, she could begin to make out the words.

 

_I'm hearing voices._   
_It's all because of you._   
_I'm seeing red._   
_I'm so in love with you._

_I'm feeling lost, as we move_   
_a little bit deeper_   
_Making sense of you as we move_   
_a little bit deeper_

_You won’t ever see, you won’t ever turn around_   
_Forever you’ll be, just another_

_Save me from me_   
_Won’t you save me from me_

 

"Adrien!"

At the sound of his given name, Adrien snapped out of his reverie, looking around. His eyes lit up when he saw her. "Oh, hi Marinette! I was looking—ah!"

Marinette latched the umbrella out of his hand, throwing it on the ground. "What do you think you are doing with _that?!"_ she pointed at the offending item.

After recovering from the initial shock, he glanced down then back up at her, stammering. "What? That? Your mom– erm, I was going to give it back, I swear!"

Give it back? That's not what she was worried about. Maybe he really didn't realize how dumb it was to stop and sing in the rain when it was a _thunderstorm_ and one was holding a small _lightning rod_.

She groaned out loud and Adrien winced.

"Do you have a death wish, Adrien?" she asked, only half sarcastically. "Or did you forget that an umbrella might serve as a good lightning rod?"

Adrien was taken aback. Why was she...? Why would she ask that? His head quickly surveyed the area, making sure no one heard her.

"Marinette please!" he begged, moving closer. "Ask questions like _that_ , so others can hear, and I'll end up in a tabloid magazine. Worse yet, my _father_ will hear of it!"

Marinette nodded dumbly, forgetting the question as concern took over.

Adrien looked to the side, nervously lacing his digits, eventually settling for rubbing his hands together. Marinette let him gather himself before continuing.

"About the umbrella... I'm not mad. I was— I'm not worried about you returning it. I just didn't want to see you get hurt or..." she breathed her next words softly. ".. or worse."

Adrien tilted his head to the side, confused. He was such a model, that even standing there soaked in the rain, he managed to look so attractive.

"Oh." was all he said.

"Yeah." she replied.

Bodies so close, they could almost share each other's breath. The now pouring rain made it difficult to hear on top of their quieted voices. Adrien's eyes appeared to glisten.

"That's... really erm, nice? No, that's not the right word. It's... I'm... happy to know you were worried about me. Well, not to say I _want_ you to worry, but—"

"Of course I worry about you." Marinette said, gripping his shoulders. A cursory glance down informed her there was a rose meeting her chin, and her eyes widened. "What's this? Oh it's ruined! I'm sorry!"

She let his shoulders go and instead took his hand in hers, embarrassment shoved aside by guilt. Together they trekked out of the rain, Marinette serving as guide.

"Where are we going?" Adrien questioned after a couple minutes of walking.

"We're going back to my place. It's not far and I figure it's easiest since you don't have any more classes today—ah, not that I know your schedule! I just, remember on Fridays you are lighter on the coursework!" she laughed off her blunder, and he didn't pry further.

"Oh no, I don't want to intrude. I..."

"You won't be intruding. I _insist_."

"But—"

Marinette stopped suddenly, turning on her heel and causing Adrien to run into her.

She was always, _always_ so nervous around him. But this time had everything flipped on its head. He had her worried. And today he was going to let her help.

Channeling some of Alya's courage, she focused on appearing determined and confident even while her insides were doing flip flops.

"You always think you're bothering all of us. Alya, Nino, myself,"

"I don't think I bother Nino... do I?"

"..when in reality you don't bother us _at all._ We all love you Adrien. And I, I love you too."

Adrien held his breath. She just said– she said she _loved_ him. A choke escaped him. But, she _also_ said his _friends_ loved him. As in, she didn't mean to imply any romantic feelings? Yes? No? Oh god, he was so confused! What did she mean?

He wasn't expecting all of this happening so fast. He was going to take her on a date to apologize. Then maybe later... _much_ later... his heart would finally figure out how to move on from his lady. He couldn't lead her on. He couldn't... she was going to hate him. He didn't know what to do! What was he supposed to do?

The rain felt so loud against his skin. And it was echoing in his head. Couldn't it just stop so he could _think?_ He needed to just think! But he couldn't breathe. He needed to breathe to think, or think about breathing. Marinette hated him. That's what she said just now.

What?

"Adrien, calm down it's okay! Adrien!"

Adrien was gripping Marinette's sleeve with such intensity she thought the seams might rip apart if she tried to pull back. His eyes were clouded over and his breathing was in short gasps. She was certain his heart was pounding.

"Adrien, Adrien you're having a panic attack. Try to relax. Breathe."

It didn't seem to be helping. Marinette cursed this pouring rain. If they could just get inside somewhere it would be so much simpler. The rain was making it awfully cold, even through their jackets. She shivered. That wasn't going to help Adrien right now.

She wasn't sure what you were supposed to _do_ during a panic attack.

So she did the only thing she could think of.

Bringing his face down to meet hers, she kissed him.

On the lips.

And he kissed _back_.

She pulled back, and Adrien breathed out. "Marinette, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Please forgive me."

Instead of trying to argue with him, she simple responded. "It's okay. Let's go to my place, okay? We'll figure everything out there." He was still shaking, but his grip lessened so that she could take his hand back in her own.

Head dipped down, Adrien nodded. He felt ashamed and embarrassed, though he wasn't exactly sure why. But Marinette was handling it, and this time he'd let her.

It's not like he had anything more to lose.

Marinette heard him mumble angrily to himself. "Today was a _good_ day."

She couldn't help but feel like she was at least partially to blame for this.

 

They finally arrived at the Dupain-Cheng residence.

Ringing the doorbell so she didn't have to let go of Adrien, she waited for one of her parents to answer. Giving a passing regard to her friend, she noticed his eyes were bloodshot. He was a wreck, and she imagined he didn't want either of her parents to see him like that.

Standing in front, Marinette rushed the both of them upstairs towards her room, only giving her mom a pleading "not right now" look.

Sabine got the message and let them pass with only a customary greeting.

Once upstairs, Marinette felt safe to let loose. The moment her trap door fell, she rushed Adrien in an embrace. For once, she didn't fantasize about the sexual nature of their actions. She wanted to be here for her friend, her best friend. And he was in no state to consent to anything more than this.

Adrien held her close, sniffling every so often as he struggled to hold it together. He didn't want to break, not on his _amazing_ day. He had plans and wanted to see them through.

But Marinette, in trying to help, had to ask more _questions_.

"I don't understand."

"What's wrong?"

"I want to help."

He wanted to scream. Nothing's wrong with me! Why do you think there's something wrong with me? Am I not good enough this way?

But he knew from past experience with his father that would not get him anywhere.

So for now he stayed silent, attempting to retreat into himself.

A muttered "I'm sorry." and "Please give me a minute." were thankfully enough for Marinette to figure out what to do on her own.

She walked his tired and wet self over to her chaise, removed his coat, laid him down, and covered him with a blanket. He was shivering from his wet clothes, but now wasn't the time for dealing with that.

Marinette's hand brushed his bangs out of his face. "I'll be right back. Try to rest, okay? Do you want the lights dimmed?"

He wasn't sure if he nodded or not, but she turned the lights down at any rate.

Adrien closed his eyes, afraid to fall asleep but too fatigued to try to stay awake.

With Marinette here, he'd just trust that she'd chase any nightmares away.

 

Marinette left him to rest while she traveled downstairs to find her parents, grabbing some new clothes right before. Once changed, Sabine came to meet her, her husband still tending the bakery.

Sabine listened patiently as she recapped what had happened. It was a struggle deciding what details to include or leave out, since she was unsure what actually triggered Adrien's panic attack and subsequent break down.

"Marinette, you're a wonderful friend." Sabine reassured her. "And I can see you're trying. It sounds like Adrien's been attempting to cope with more than he's let on. It's not your fault."

"I know it's not my fault, but I want to help."

Sabine pursed her lips. "There's some situations you just can't do anything about. It's hard when you want to fix things, I know. But sometimes, all you can do is watch."

"Once he wakes up, I can ask him about what's wrong and we'll figure it out together. He just needs support." Marinette was determined. "I can help."

Sabine rested her hands atop her lap. "Dear, I can't tell you what to do. I can only give you advice. But right now, I think asking Adrien to explain things would only end in him becoming more confused, trying to analyze everything. Let's just let him be. Focus on the basics."

"The basics?"

"Yes. If you want to help. Help him with his basic needs first. He's probably cold. Warm him up. He's probably anxious, let him rest. He's probably lonely. Keep him company."

Marinette contemplated this. "But, I'm already doing all of these things."

"Then you're doing all you can. Go to him. Be there for him. Be his rock. I know you care about him a lot. This is how you can help."

"Okay." Marinette began to stand to go to Adrien.

"Oh, and Marinette. When you're ready. I'll be here for you too."

She didn't understand that, but nodded nonetheless.

"I'll be downstairs. If you need anything just holler." Sabine stood to return to help in the bakery.

Marinette stayed sitting for a few more minutes, trying to consider everything her mom had said. She stared at her hands. Was she really doing everything? She felt so helpless here.

A scream echoed and she snapped to high alert. An akuma! Now? Here?! It sounded like it came from below. She had to transform and help everyone.

Running out the door and onto the staircase, she then realized she would be leaving Adrien alone. But her mother's words came back and reassured her that she'd done all she can, and he'd be alright.

Nodding to herself, she pressed on.

On the final flight of stairs however, the akuma was right _there_. There was nowhere to run.

She didn't have a chance.

 

Adrien shivered.

It was difficult to get himself to fall back asleep. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but it was enough to help him feel more coherent. And realize how cold he was. The time it took to get out of the rain left him utterly soaked to the bone, and there was only so much Marinette's blankets could do about that. His clothing was the problem.

Maybe he should take it off.

But where would that leave him then? Naked? In his best friend's room? In her parents' house?

Probably best to just stay cold.

He shivered again.

_Sigh_. This was getting him nowhere. Maybe just his shirt. That would be okay, right? Totally natural for a guy to go without one if the situation called for it.

And he was _freezing._

Convinced everyone would understand his decision, he rose from the chaise and removed the item, placing it with care in her laundry hamper.

A cat-themed decorative trinket sat atop her desk nearby. It appeared to be watching him, judgmentally. "I just don't want to get her floor wet. I'll remember to grab it again before I leave." he explained to the trinket. It continued to give him a pointed look.

Huffing to himself, he returned to the chaise. The blanket was also soaked. He groaned. He couldn't just take another blanket.

He really shouldn't be staying here anyway. But he didn't want to leave yet, not before they had a chance to talk. He owed her an explanation. God, an apology and an explanation today. He was really on a roll. He rested his forehead in his palm.

Adrien thought back to that morning. He wanted to do something nice for Marinette, so he called Nino for advice. Well, he wasn't really hoping for much on that front, not really, but he did like having someone to talk to.

Nino wasn't too keen on the rose idea, but he had bought it anyway. He understood its implications, which was why he selected a pink one rather than a red. Adrien wanted to show her how important she was to him, and sometimes feelings just went behind what words could describe.

But just like that, the rose fell apart when faced against the heavy rain.

Would that happen to him and Marinette?

No, that wouldn't happen. _He wouldn't let it._ He just needed to talk to her. Explain. She'd understand. She'd accept him.

He just needed to talk to her.

He just needed to find her.

Why hadn't she returned?

Body on autopilot, Adrien opened her trapdoor and exited the bedroom. The stairs creaked as he padded down in his socks. There were no sounds coming from the family room. Strange. Perhaps Marinette went all the way to the bakery to talk with her parents? She wouldn't be talking about _him_ , would she, in front of _customers?_

Noticing his steps had quickened, he held the railing and slowed down. Deep breath. He was letting his imagination run wild again. Seems like that's been happening a lot today.

Wait. Someone was talking, but there was a voice he didn't recognize. And another he _did_.

"Tikki, how am I going to get out of this mess?"

"I'm trying to unstick you, but this syrup is tough!"

"I'm telling you two I can use cataclysm! It'll be fine, I'll be really careful!"

"No Plagg!"

"...Marinette?"

Marinette was pinned to the wall, stuck in some sort of syrupy substance. Adrien approached her slowly, and their eyes never left one another. He stood before her and she blushed.

"Eh...Adrien? What...ehehe...what happened to your shirt?"

"One sec." Adrien reached a hand towards her. She held her breath as he brought his finger until it just grazed against her neck. She trembled where his skin touched hers.

He had such a smouldering, sexy, look in his eyes. And no shirt. God no shirt, he needed to put that back on so she could focus. But what's come over him? This was hardly an appropriate time for such... antics. And he was vulnerable, despite the fact that she was the one currently incapacitated while he worked that model body right over her.

The hand that grazed against her skin, now covered with some of the sticky substance, he brought it to his mouth. Opening slowly, he sensually inserted one digit and _sucked_.

Closing his eyes, he murmured "mm..."

A quiet moan escaped from her as well. Marinette was going to die.

"Taffy. I thought so." He opened his eyes back up and gave a mischievous grin. "It's my favorite."

"Adrien!" she yelled, face beet red. "You can't do that to me!"

Laughing, he said, "I just saw you there and couldn't resist. I'm sorry. But you really got yourself in a sticky situation."

"I'm glad you're feeling better."

That sobered him up. "Yeah... about that. I wanted to talk to you. That's why I came down. But, who were you talking to?" Of course he already knew, but he'd put the ball in her court. Let her decide what happened next.

He held his breath.

"You... heard them, huh?" she said sheepishly. "In a way this is probably good. Plagg, Tikki, this is Adrien." the two kwamis rentered from their hiding spots at her words.

"Adrien, I know this might be a lot to take in, but there's no time. The akuma is getting away and I need your help."

"Tell me what you need." he whispered.

Tears formed at the corners of Marinette's eyes. "I'm... Ladybug. My identity is supposed to be a secret. But... Chat Noir— my partner, he's... he's gone now. Please, no one can ever replace him, but if there's anyone else who would come close, that'd be you, Adrien."

He let her words sink in.

"Please."

_Anything._

"Be my Chat Noir."

"Marinette, you're Ladybug." he liked the way those words felt being said out loud.

"Yes. And– well, his, _your_ ring. It's hanging on my necklace. Can you try to lift it?"

"Of course."

He unclasped the chain from behind her neck, then pulled as gently as he could manage, lifting the item from inside her shirt. She kept it. Right at her heart. His own heart swelled. "Thank you for trusting me."

"I'd trust you with my life, Adrien. You're the most important person to me."

"You know the drill Adrien." said Plagg.

"Wait, what?" Marinette half yelled, head alternating rapidly between the two.

"Plagg, transform me."

No sooner than those words left his lips, he pressed them on hers.

A flash of green light surrounded them both, capturing the moment.

When the light died down, Adrien pulled back only slightly, allowing Marinette to see him properly.

"Chat Noir... you're here— him."

He shrugged, giving her a shy smile. "Surprise?"

"I can't believe it's you! Hurry up and get me out of here so I can hold you properly."

"Sure thing my lady." he flexed his arm, ready for his signature move, when he suddenly hesitated. "What's wrong?" Marinette asked.

He frowned. "Tell me you won't be afraid if I use this."

"You remember!" he nodded in response, still holding his hand up.

"You remember how it _felt_. How you... you..." _how you took your own life._ He nodded. "Are you afraid?"

"No." she lied. But it was true enough for the situation. He meant to ask if she was unafraid for her own sake, and she was. But... was she sure he'd never try that trick again?

She had no reason _not_ to be scared.

"Okay. Cataclysm." his hand carefully carved away the sticky taffy, freeing Marinette from her delicious prison.

"I'm on the clock now, m'lady. Now or never time."

"Glad to have you back chaton. Tikki, transform me!"

 

The superhero duo wasted no time locating the akuma. It's not like it was making it difficult: Paris was filled with taffy in all sorts of colors. Many had either fallen victim to becoming entrapped in their vehicles or stuck on the streets themselves. Those who managed to escape ran to nearby buildings, forced to watch as family and friends struggled helplessly.

Across the rooftops bounced a jolly colorful man in a funny little hat, way too small for his head. With each leap, he sang:

_"You might find it a waste of time,"_

_"To be stuck idling by in this rhyme,"_

_"But believe this story of mine,"_

_"To be stuck with Monsieur Candy is just fine!"_

"Hmm... timing needs work, but your delivery overall is good!"

"Finally! Do you have any idea how long I was stuck waiting?" M. Candy responded to Adrien.

"Send our apologies to Papillon!" Marinette appeared beside her partner, yo-yo already spinning defensively. She felt her heart could burst when he glanced in her direction, eyes sparkling in happiness.

"Lucky charm while I distract him, Ladybug?" he always looked to her for the plan.

She shook her head, and pulled him back by the tail. "Not so fast chaton, today, we're going in together. Side by side. No debates. No shields. _No sacrifices_."

"Got it. Your wish is my command."

She released his tail. "Lucky charm!"

A parachute?

"I always knew you were falling for me." Adrien snickered.

"You ready for this, kitty?" he nodded determidly.

The truth was, he didn't really understand her plans. He just liked to give that impression. In reality, he'd follow her anywhere. If she said jump, he'd say how high. He'd jump off a bridge if she asked.

He did jump off that skyscraper.

Together they pursued the akuma in a high speed chase. Rooftop to rooftop they ran together, but their opponent was always just a little further ahead. The beeping of Adrien's ring alerted him that his time was already halfway over.

"Say, my lady, wouldn't it be faster if we split up and I cut him off up ahead?"

"No! This time we stick together. I'm not having you get yourself killed again. Given what happened before, I'd say you had a death wish!"

"I was akumatised! I can't be held responsible for that!" he protested.

"Not that!" she replied. "You scared me half to death out there oblivious with that umbrella!"

"My lady, I'll have you know that I am a cat of _sophistication_. I wouldn't do something so _barbaric_ as to get myself struck by lightning. Besides, an umbrella is hardly going to attract anything, what with all those much taller buildings and trees around. It would have been a wasted effort."

Marinette didn't particularly like him referring to a specific method of death as a wasted effort. Nor that he spent enough time contemplating the manner in order to know as much as he did about it.

Unfortunately, there was no time to dwell on his response right now.

"Well, I had reason to worry! I had to save your butt from being run over...twice!"

"Would that have made it a... rerun?"

"I'm serious!"

"So am I! And now's our chance! Watch out!"

The akuma shot out an explosion of taffy, large enough to encompass both of them at once. That was the opening Marinette needed. Effortlessly, she spun on her heel, facing away from her opponent and towards Adrien, shielding him from the blast.

In that moment, he felt what was probably the same heart-stopping fear for her safety that she had for him– all those times that he jumped in the way for her. An uncharacteristically pitiful whine escaped his lips and he bit his tongue, tasting blood.

He extended his arms and she mirrored with her own. Hands touched briefly, before their bodies collided upon the release of the parachute.

The parachute itself, covered with taffy, engulfed the akuma, where he was left trapped and unable to escape.

"Where do you think the akuma is hiding?"

Marinette brought her hand to her chin thoughtfully, then dug through his pockets. "This." She held a paper receipt. "My dad was the only one working the register while my mom was upstairs with me. He probably didn't like waiting in a queue."

"Totally not stereotypical Parisian." Adrien added.

"Totally not." Marinette agreed.

The last frantic beeps from Adrien's ring broke the moment. "Whoops, I'll be nearby, Buginette. Come find me?"

He didn't wait for an answer before vaulting away.

Marinette watched him go, then turned to finish what she started.

After all, she had a job to do.

 

Marinette found Adrien right after purifying the akuma and setting Papillon's latest victim free.

They returned to her balcony, descending back into her bedroom, where no one would be the wiser to the fact that they had been swinging across Paris only minutes prior.

Now that there were no immediate threats, both of their minds returned to what brought them here in the first place.

"Marinette—"

"Adrien—"

"I just wanted to say I was stupid."

"I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"I shouldn't have been out in a thunderstorm."

"I didn't need to throw your umbrella."

"It was actually _your_ umbrella." Adrien pointed at her.

"No, it was actually your umbrella." Marinette pointed back.

Adrien's finger reversed direction. "Mine? Since when... I got it from your mom."

"Yeah, well I got it from you... years ago."

"Is that so? I can't remember." he scratched his head.

Marinette approached him, aware that he was still sans shirt. "Adrien. You're always so caring. You don't even realize how much so. That's what I've been wanting to tell you... for a long time now. We all love you so much– me, Alya, Nino... everyone."

Adrien's breath hitched. She said that earlier as well. He wasn't sure he could get used to those words. He didn't know how to respond.

Thankfully, she continued. "Don't think I haven't noticed how you've been acting lately. Now that I think about it, your strange behavior started soon after you disappeared as Chat Noir. They must be related. Papillon messed with your head. Put such terrible thoughts in there. Thoughts that don't _belong_ there."

Adrien glanced sideways, and fiddled with the ring, enjoying the fact that it was back. "I don't think it's... exactly like that."

"We don't know how he operates. You've had no reason to want to... well... you know."

"...die?" he finished, bluntly.

"Yeah."

He knew he'd have to have this conversation sooner or later, and given how the day has gone, it probably had to be sooner. "Listen..." he began, "Sometimes, you don't notice a thing until it hits you that first time in the face. Then after that, it's like you see it everywhere."

"How does this relate to what we're talking about?"

"Marinette, please don't take this wrong." His voice cracked. Why was it so hard to say it out loud? "Papillon didn't make me do anything I didn't already consider doing before. He just... made it easier? Turned my thoughts to an extreme? That is how he works, isn't it."

Marinette couldn't believe what she was hearing. _What?_

"Tell me your joking."

"I'm, really sorry Marinette. I understand if you hate me."

"No! I don't hate you! I just want you to not hate yourself!"

"It's not like that."

"We can get through this, together, and you'll be back to your old self soon. I can see now that you were struggling before, and Papillon made it so much worse. These thoughts are still in your head and they haven't gone away."

"Now that I know you're Ladybug, that would mean that day I destroyed half your miraculous before you transformed. Perhaps..." he took a deep breath, could he say it?

"Perhaps Papillon's influence from that day became _permanent?_ Would you, um... would you still accept me if that were the case?"

Marinette embraced him, pressing her face against his skin. "Adrien, of course. I'd accept you _no matter what._ It's not your fault you have these thoughts." she shook her head. "I don't want to leave you alone tonight. Please say you'll stay."

He was exhausted. Staying here tonight, with her, sounded wonderful. Exactly what he needed. "Of course, I'll st—"

His phone rang.

"Don't answer it." Marinette pleaded, already knowing what would happen next.

Adrien fought back tears. "I have to."

Marinette didn't hide her tears as his car drove off, far away from her home.

 

"Adrien, you missed all of your engagements this evening. You have no shirt! What were you thinking? You were _hanging out_ in the rain?"

"This has gone on long enough. Natalie ring the doctor. We are going to fix this."

"Take these. They'll fix your mood swings and irrational emotional states. Fix _you_."

 

Adrien chucked the bottle of pills against the wall of his room. Plagg looked on sadly.

"This is _not_ what I want!" he yelled, exasperated.

"Why don't you try taking them, just for tonight?" Plagg suggested.

Adrien scoffed. "I don't know Plagg, this could just make it worse. I'm having enough trouble sleeping as it is."

"It could help."

"But it might not"

"But _it might_."

Adrien grumbled. "I think I know my own body well enough to know that it's not going to work. Besides, I don't want anything messing around with my head. I've had enough of that, thanks."

"Suit yourself."

"That's the idea."

Plagg threw his small hands into the air, but didn't press the issue further.

Adrien changed into his pajamas and decided to call it an early night.

No sooner had his head touched the pillow, he felt like he woke up again. His room was completely dark save for the faint moonlight outside his window.

He groaned. Not again. He needed to sleep. Where was Plagg?

Suddenly, a shadowy figure caught his eye. "Plagg? Plagg is that you? Come on!"

"What's a Plagg? Come on, you haven't forgotten my name already, have you?"

Adrien bolted upright from the bed. He recognized that voice. But it was impossible. He captured the akuma. It never multiplied. No one else was affected. This wasn't real. It wasn't real. It couldn't be.

Who he saw standing at the foot of his bed defied all reason. "Master Marinette... how?"

"Ah" she smiled. "You can remember my name."

"Why, how are you here? What's going on?" he tried to mouth the words needed to form his questions, but he felt so _tired_ all of a sudden. He just wanted to go back to sleep.

"Why don't you lay back down, Adrien?"

That sounded like a good idea. He rested his head once more on the pillow, sighing into it and allowing his eyes to close.

A hand ever so slowly glided up his leg. Gentle, soft. He snuggled deeper into the pillow. Up to his side, resting on his hip.

He next felt a breath in his ear and he repressed a shiver. "Turn over." she whispered.

He did as instructed and turned to lay on his stomach. He felt her hand continue up his rear and his back, and this time she did send a shiver down his spine.

Her weight shifted and pressed more into his back. Was she on top of him? His thoughts were drifting, unable to stick to any particular one for very long.

With this weight on his back, he could just sink right into the bed. It was so soft. He could stay like this forever. Never get up. Never go to school, never see anyone, never deal with juggling all his expectations, deal with anything."

"And no one would have to deal with you." she again whispered.

He hummed softly, eyes still closed. "Yeah, I'd say it would be mutually beneficial."

"Let's end it."

"Yeah. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

A pair of warm hands drifted further upwards. One against the back of his head, gently pushing his face into the pillow. The other caressing his neck. He held his breath.

What a nice way to go. If only it were that easy in real life.

The hand wrapped tighter around him and instinctively he started to move against it.

"No no, we are doing this. You knew this wouldn't be easy."

He knew that.

The other hand pressed his mouth and nose against the pillow.

Thoughts of statistics, whether known or made up, started to drift through his head. One minute to panic, three for brain damage, ten for loss of consciousness, or was that the other way around?

"Momentary inconvenience for alleviating so much pain. You can handle it. The end result is worth it."

He wanted to be strong. Strong enough to end it. But he didn't want to suffer. He pushed harder again her, struggling more. She held on tighter.

"Everyone has already left you!" Marinette growled.

Not everyone.

"Ladybug abandoned you once, she'll do it again! _I'll_ do it again!"

She needed him to come back, so she gave him the ring.

She needed him to help her fight.

If he wasn't there, then—

"If you hadn't been around, I would have just found someone else. You happened to be in the right place at the right time. If anything _I'd prefer you gave it back_ so I could find someone better, someone less whiny. Someone with better jokes."

Full on panic settling in caused Adrien to push back with everything he had. He didn't want to die. Not in this moment. Not in agony. This isn't what he wanted. His head lifted off the pillow and he spun around to look at... an empty room.

Obviously he had been dreaming.

He flopped down on his back and covered his eyes with his fists, biting back a groan.

Plagg flew over and rested at his side. Adrien continued to lie there, unmoving.

His voice wobbled as he spoke, hands on his eyes. "Do you hate me, Plagg?"

"No."

"Wouldn't you rather be with someone else?"

"No."

Adrien inhaled sharply, swallowing before he spoke again. His bottom lip quivered. "I don't know what to do." he said. "I don't know how I feel... how I'm supposed to feel."

Plagg nodded despite Adrien still unable to see. "You don't have to understand."

"I wish I weren't here."

"Where do you wish to be?"

"I—" he started. "I don't... I just wish..." he couldn't say it out loud, couldn't make his mouth form the words, otherwise it would be too real. Otherwise it might make it easier to take the next step. "I just want to be gone. Like to disappear or... or something like that. I don't know."

Adrien's eyes were heavy and aching. He removed his hands from his face so he could check the clock. One forty-five AM. He had to sleep.

It was surreal how he was feeling, and for the first time he was somehow coherent enough to understand that there was a disconnect between his state of mind and any cause to justify the feelings. He somehow wanted both to scream out and hide in silence. Perhaps because he really only wanted a response from one person. His Ladybug.

Marinette.

She didn't deserve this, deserve him. But since he was still here... well, why _not_ spend that time with her while she was still offering?"

His eyes drifted shut. He imagined her next to him and reached out a hand to the empty space beside him.

Back in her own room, Marinette did the same.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So remember last chapter I said there'd be plenty of time for Marinette to get in on the fun? Apparently not enough for my perverted mind, so I had to reorganize the chapters. Now we have two more, with a total of nine, so there should be plenty of room now.


	5. Houses and homes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day following Adrien's panic attack and subsequent reveal, neither he nor Marinette are sure where to go from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make a side note on the topic of having depression and being suicidal, especially as this story is now over halfway through and it will be soon coming to a turning point. Many of, if not all Adrien's experiences thus far can be explained away with accident, being caught in the moment, etc etc. This is true. He also has had many times where he's spent it with friends, loving himself (wink), and he is generally very happy. The thing is, when someone finally goes for it and acts on their suicidal thoughts, it takes everyone around them by surprise. Look at comedians, actors, or even if anyone has had someone close to them like this, everyone says- "but s/he was so happy!", "they had so much going for them", "life was good! why would they do this?", "why didn't they just get help?". It's not always obvious when someone is struggling, especially when those around the person don't want to "go there", it's easy to ignore or think they are overreacting.
> 
> Another note: The topic of therapy has come up in comments. Therapy can be a great tool for some people. I won't be getting into it in this story, but something also to keep in mind is, do you think that if someone is suicidal and a doctor or therapist asks them if they are, will they always say yes? Or could they have reason to fear what might happen to them if they do, so they put on a smile and lie.
> 
> https://themighty.com/2018/09/suicidal-getting-help/

The sound of the Dupain-Cheng bakery door chime alerted Marinette that her friend had arrived.

"Hey girl, feels like forever since we got to hang for brunch like this. Thanks for the invite by the way, can't wait to see your new apartment." Alya said, digging into her pancake.

"Yeah, it is exciting that I'll finally be getting a place of my own. The paperwork took forever, but now that all of that is done I can go pick up my key anytime today." Marinette rested her head in one hand as she watched Alya eat, not really in the mood for anything herself.

"You've been talking about this since the start of the semester. I'm surprised you didn't pick it up first thing this morning. It's going to take you all day to move in." Suddenly she looked down at her complimentary breakfast, then back up at Marinette.

"This is a bribe... isn't it?" Alya deadpanned.

"What, me— you, never!"

"I know a bribe when I see it!"

"It's not!"

Alya laughed. "I'm just messing with you, girl. But seriously, you invited me over instead of going straight there, _and_ you haven't even touched any of your food. Something's wrong. Something's bothering you."

Marinette shifted in her seat, folding both arms in front of her. "He still hasn't come back."

"Who?"

"Adrien." She whispered.

Alya raised an eyebrow, sympathetic to her friend's challenging love life, but also confused. "Was... he supposed to be here instead of me?" She asked as nicely as possible.

"No, he wasn't supposed to be here. I mean— he never _said_ he was going to be coming back this morning. But, I thought he might. After what happened last night. So, I didn't want to leave the house yet... on the off chance he comes, I want to be here."

"Wait wait, woah— back up. _Last night?"_ Alya dropped her fork and placed both hands on the table.

Marinette's eyes bugged, realizing what she just implied. "Ah ha no, you've got the wrong idea! We— er, nothing happened, it was only a kiss!" she slapped both palms over her mouth in shock.

Alya matched her expression for the moment, before sliding into a _very_ amused smirk. "Ohhoho, looks like lover boy is finally coming around to what's been in front of him the whole time."

Marinette's face fell. "It's not, exactly like that." she said dejectedly. "He was under a lot of stress and things just happened and then after that he kissed me and—"

"So first _you kissed him_ , then later _he kissed you?_ Marinette, If I were you, I wouldn't be wondering how he feels, I'd be wondering why you're still here waiting instead of going after him right now!"

"I can't! His father... probably wouldn't approve of that."

"And how old is Adrien? He's not a boy anymore, in case you hadn't noticed." Alya gave her a suggestive wink, causing Marinette to blush. "So go to him. Knowing the both of you, he's probably thinking you want some space or something equally ridiculous."

Marinette thought about this. Maybe Alya was right.

"So, since you two are officially an item now, I'm going to set up a double date. I'll tell Nino, and you tell Adrien. Next Saturday. No exceptions, no excuses. I'd say let's do it today, but I've already got something else planned."

"Oh?" Marinette didn't remember Alya saying she had anything today, suddenly feeling a twinge of guilt for having taken up her morning now.

"A housewarming party! Or rather, apartment warming party. Nino and I will be up this evening after you've had a chance to settle. Don't worry about the food, we'll have you covered."

Marinette grinned happily at her friend. Suddenly this day was looking up.

 

A flash of red caught the corner of his eye, and disappeared by the time his gaze reached the window.

Adrien's hands trembled above the piano keys.

"Ladybug?" he barely whispered her name, worried that she'd suddenly leave if he was too loud. "Are you there... Marinette?"

He didn't expect a response; he knew that even if she was outside his room, she wouldn't have heard his words.

Adrien wanted to talk to her. He'd been thinking about it all morning, told himself once he found the right words, he'd go over there.

The words never came.

So here he sat, deciding to practice the piano as he tried to clear his head. Try to figure out what both of them felt for each other.

Marinette... Ladybug– said she cared for him. Loved him even. But... what did she _mean_ by that? She knew of his feelings already, or she should have. He made it no secret when they defended Paris together.

So she _should have known_ he wouldn't take those words as lightly as she had tossed them out there. She _should have known_ it would only mix him up, tie his heart in knots.

Or maybe it was her heart that was just as mixed up as his, and so she wanted to help clear things up between them.

Maybe _that's_ why she's here.

So...

What should he do?

He could just go to his window, invite her in, it would be like something out of one of those romantic comedy movies.

On the other hand... hrm... maybe that was a bad idea. If someone saw, they could take a photo. The photo would go into a tabloid, which she'd happen to see on her way walking to university. She'd have an important test that day, obviously. She'd be so distressed from his recklessness that she'd fail the test, not get the designer job she's dreamed of. Then they'd certainly never get together, have three kids and a hamster named—

"Adrien!" Plagg jumped on a mess of keys, snapping him back to reality.

"Plagg, did you see what I saw?" Adrien looked down at the kwami, his eyebrows furrowed upwards in a worried and hopeful expression. "Over there?"

"What, the uneaten slice of Camembert still sitting on your desk? Yeah that's mine. I'm saving it so find your own." he replied, crossing his arms in agitation.

"No!" he yelled, then realized his outburst and ducked low to be at Plagg's level. " _I meant–_ was that _Ladybug_ outside just now?"

Plagg turned towards the window and shrugged. "Oh. Yeah that was her, why?"

"Oh god it _was_ her!" he let his mouth hang open in shock, before grabbing Plagg in both hands. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Duh, just transform and go to her. Or better yet, don't. Then I can nap. I don't really care." he replied from his temporary prison.

"You're no help!" Adrien said, exasperated.

Plagg flew away once released, leaving Adrien to contemplate his next action alone. He could go to her. But he could have gone straight to her house first thing this morning. Instead he's been here, practicing his piano. He knew Marinette was distraught when he left with Natalie left night. He knew she wanted him to stay, and he let her down. She was probably still upset.

No— no if she was upset she would have immediately made an appearance, told him off for what a jerk he was. Say she never wanted to see him again.

She wasn't doing any of that.

Adrien sighed and let his elbows sit on the keys as he held his head in his hands. The keys played a smushed up tune upon being struck.

"Hmm... needs work!" Plagg yelled from somewhere.

"Didn't ask you!" he responded. At least before he got his ring back things were _peaceful_.

But he wouldn't trade this for the world, not this time. He was glad Plagg was back. Annoying as he may be, it was good to have someone to talk to.

He sighed again.

He should to talk to her.

Adrien stood and approached the large window, placing both hands at arm's length against it. He looked around, trying to catch another glimpse of her. Maybe if their eyes locked, she'd come and talk to him. But...

...there was no one.

"Where is she hiding?" he wondered out loud.

Adrien opened the leftmost window so that he could hear outside. She'd be able to hear him as well like this, but he couldn't exactly just scream for her. That would never do.

He could do something else though. Something just as good.

Returning to the piano, he sat and considered a song she'd like. Nothing came to mind. He wanted to express how he felt, but it was clear that neither of them were ready to face each other directly. Yes, this would work. He just needed to find the words.

Hesitantly, he began to play a melody, one already familiar from his practice and something he could play without thought. He hoped she'd like it.

He hoped she'd understand. _Please, let her understand._

And after a minute, he began to sing, not knowing if she could hear him, but at least he was trying.

He knew it was messy, and in most places he didn't even sing on key. But he kept going nonetheless, trying to tell her what was in his heart. That he wanted her, wanted to be with her, forever if she'd let him. She was his everything, and knowing she was his lady, his partner, none of that changed the fact that he was deeply in love with her.

Adrien didn't want to leave Marinette alone last night. Oh no. Seeing her, eyes filled with tears, _begging_ him to stay— he felt his heart break again just recalling the events.

He had to leave because of his father. His father was worried about him. Worried about his progress in school. Worried about where he was, who he was with, what he was doing, how he was spending his time and who he was spending it with. So much worrying. And as such, it was easier for his father if Adrien did his best to just stay home, stick to the schedule. That way— that way, he wouldn't be the burden he knew he was. Making his father worry like this.

Part of him knew he had a right to leave... move somewhere else, start his own life. Take control of his own destiny. Make his own decisions.

Like yesterday. How _good_ did it feel to throw his ridiculous prescription away. Medicine was only supposed to be given if you were _sick_ , and sick Adrien was _not_. These doctors thought that they could just look at you, ask you a couple questions, and then throw a bottle of pills at you. The goal was never to help, didn't his father understand that? The goal was to make you _fit_ — make you someone others could _accept_ , make you no longer be... _you_.

Adrien couldn't accept that. He wouldn't.

So he threw that bottle as hard as his arm could throw. Smashed it against the wall, consequences be damned.

If those around him didn't want him _as himself_ , then he has a different set of pills that would do the job much more effectively. And they didn't even take a prescription.

Adrien's fingers pressed the keys more strongly now, as he continued his train of thought.

Pills were easy to do, especially if you got drunk first and didn't think too much about it. But they had a serious flaw: your body doesn't particularly like the feeling of being sick to your stomach, and as such it rejects what you're doing to it. Which is so _stupid_ , because how peaceful would it be to just swallow something and fall asleep? No, nothing ever could just be _simple_. Everything that worked always involved _pain_ , and everything nice always had a risk of _failure_.

What cruel irony.

Worse yet, if the pills didn't work, everyone treated you like you weren't serious. _Oh, he had a cry for help. He's just being dramatic. He didn't really_ want _to die._ No. No! He just didn't like pain! No one likes pain, well unless you got some sort of masochistic tenancies... and that didn't really do it for him.

Adrien toned down the intensity of his playing now, feeling tired already from being left in his own head today. Still no sign of his lady. Perhaps his song couldn't reach her.

He was just... a little disappointed.

Maybe he should have stayed last night. Maybe she would be here now, at his side, if he had stayed.

There was a knock on his door. Adrien quickly went through his mental list of upcoming engagements... did he have something today?

"Adrien, you're due out of here at ten o'clock sharp. What is taking so long?" it was Natalie coming to collect him.

"Oh, er... yes! I'm coming!" He hopped out of his chair and went to his mirror to double check that he was presentable. Not his best, but it would do. Quickly, he strode over to vacate his room and head downstairs.

"Adrien, you really should know better than to schedule something and then sleep in. Is your medication making you drowsy? We can have your doctor add something else to help counter the side effects if that's what you need."

Natalie was just trying to help, he tried to remind himself.

"No no, thank you." he said. "I just got my days mixed up is all. Could you remind me... what is it I have scheduled today?"

"Why Adrien, don't you remember? You have a design project due soon with Marinette."

 

The sun was a warm welcome given the days now kept getting colder, Adrien thought as they walked side by side.

"A design project huh?" he finally voiced the question as they arrived at the bakery.

Marinette adjusted her jacket collar, glancing away. "Yeah... I know I shouldn't have said that, but after what happened last night your— I wasn't sure how your father would feel about seeing me."

"What? Why?" Adrien asked, dumbfounded. "My father _loves_ you! He holds your designs in very high regard, which for him that's everything."

Marinette eyed him suspiciously.

"Well okay, he wasn't exactly pleased with the way I came home last night. But he was upset with _me_ , not _you!"_

"You left soaking wet, chilled, with no shirt and me trying to hold your shoes hostage so you'd stay!"

"Yeah, and he still was okay with me seeing you today!" Adrien tried to give his winning smile, wanting to convince her that there was no issue.

Marinette sighed. This was a losing battle.

"And for what it's worth... I'm happy you came to get me." Adrien felt heat rise to his cheeks as he uttered the words. "Do you want to, maybe–" he hesitated. "Go out somewhere? My treat of course!"

Marinette stood there, staring at him as the meaning of what he was saying sunk in. More forcefully than she intended, she said, "Par of the course! I mean, of course! Oh wait, no I can't go out with you!"

Adrien's face fell. "Oh...um, alright then."

"Ah no I don't mean that! Oh why does this always happen?" she muttered to herself. Adrien waited.

"Today I'm moving into my apartment. I wanted to see you first though, make sure you were okay. I was worried all night." steeling her nerve, she rested a hand on his shoulder, rubbing gently with her thumb.

At this, a lightbulb went off in Adrien's mind. "I can help. I'll call the Gorilla and we'll use the car to transport your belongings."

"No offense, but I don't think your car will fit my mattress and desk."

"Oh... right." Adrien furrowed his brows in thought, bringing a finger to his chin.

Was he, _trying_ to find a reason to be with her today?

"You know... I could use some help moving things. If you were interested?" she asked.

"Yes, I'd love to have you— to _help_ you I mean!" he laughed nervously and she did in return.

 

Moving everything went pretty quick with the extra set of hands. Between her, Tom, and Adrien, they were able to complete everything with time to spare before dinner.

"Alright Marinette, I'll let you and your friend get settled in. Alya told me about the party; don't worry we will bring plenty to eat! Your mother and I will go prepare it now and we will see you in a few hours." Marinette embraced her dad and they said their goodbyes.

The pair spent some time unpacking and arranging knick knacks to put up around the apartment. Marinette often had to catch herself so as not to stare, but it was so charming and sweet to watch Adrien as he took such great care with each of her belongings.

First, he'd delicately unwrap the item from its paper wrapping, a look of joy appearing across his face after discovering whatever it was— except one of her cat trinkets for some odd reason, wouldn't he have liked that one?

Then, he'd walk around the rooms, trying to decide the perfect place for it to live. He'd place it down, then walk to a new corner and see how it looked from there. He'd sit on the couch and pretend to put something down on the end table, checking that there was plenty of space for it to be functional. Every detail was noticed.

Lastly, if he couldn't tell how personal an item was on his own, he asked her where she'd like it to be placed, and would always listen with earnest as she told him the stories behind each piece.

Marinette swore her heart couldn't get any fuller than it was today.

But then somehow it did, when Adrien asked. "Say, Marinette? Could we maybe– bake a cake together? For your apartment warming party? I'd do it myself as a surprise, but I don't really know how to... and this might actually be even more fun if we, you know, do it... together?"

 

And so they baked a cake.

"This is so awesome. I'm not normally allowed to cook for myself." Adrien commented as he sifted the flour.

"Allowed— what? You're a _grown adult,_ Adrien. You can cook for yourself if you want to." Marinette almost poured the milk onto the counter.

"No it's not that. My father is afraid to have me in the kitchen after, an... incident that happened a long time ago. I don't want him to have to worry like that again."

"What happened? Here, now we pour this in your bowl to mix."

Adrien held his bowl as Marinette added the wet ingredients to the dry, before allowing him to stir.

"Well, I accidentally cut myself pretty bad." He shivered. "Eeh, just thinking about it is _awful_. I don't think anything ever hurt so bad in my life."

"Really? People get cut when cooking, I can't say it never happens. That's terrible that you were badly injured, and I'm glad you were okay in the end. Obviously it's not good to be distracted though."

He nodded along in agreement.

Marinette thought back to the times she's cut herself out of being distracted, and recalled his sense of urgency when he saw her bleeding. "Is that why you reacted the way you did back at my parents' house?"

"Maybe... yes? There was a lot going on in my head that day. But it could have had something to do with my reaction to seeing you get hurt, yeah."

He handed the bowl to her, and she added the mixture to the cake pan before setting it into the oven.

Closing the oven door, she continued, "What about right now? How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"Trying to analyze me, eh?"

"Hah, no no. Just trying to, understand. There's a lot I don't know still about you, even though we've been friends for years."

He leaned his elbows back against the counter, stretching a little. "I don't really like telling anyone what I'm thinking. It's... not the burden I want to put on others."

She approached him. "But I'm your friend, Adrien. Can't you trust me?"

Suddenly, she caught a glimmer in his eye. "Just a friend huh? And here I thought you were into me." he laughed. "This hot model bod, you know you can't resist." Adrien ran a hand over his chest for dramatic effect.

"You're trying to change the topic." Marinette scolded.

"Is it working?" Adrien smiled.

"... maybe a little."

Adrien gave her a smoldering look, not unlike the way he did so yesterday. He must have noticed the effect it had on her. Stretching, he allowed his shirt to ride up a bit, exposing how toned he was underneath.

Marinette's breath hitched in her throat. Glancing at the cook timer, she made a mental note that the cake needed to be checked in thirty minutes.

Not that she really had to worry, obviously. Whatever she was in the middle of she could stop when the timer went off.

Right?

Adrien wondered if Marinette found the air suddenly just as choking as he did. Was it the heat from the oven? Most likely, but it didn't help that he had to go and flirt just then.

But... when he looked across the room at the girl standing there, he couldn't stop the words that left his lips.

That was his lady, his love, his everything. Standing right there, in front of him. Looking at him! _Looking at him!_

He hiccupped.

_Oh no._

_No!_

Marinette stared at Adrien, who, only seconds ago was turning up the heat with his model looks, now seemed to have psyched himself out and started hiccupping.

She wouldn't laugh.

She couldn't do that to him.

Adrien covered his mouth with a hand as nonchalantly as possible. _Hic_ _._ She still heard it.

It was killing her not to laugh. So she decided she'd resolve this, her way. The Ladybug way.

Marinette marched confidently, one hand on her hip, towards Adrien, who was doing his ever best to stay calm.

_Hic_ _._

"Sorry, bug. Happen to have a cup so I can have a drink? I forget where we put them."

Adrien was so kind. And he had tried so hard today to make things right with her. A lot had happened yesterday. She saw him at possibly his weakest, and yet here he was today... spending all his time with her regardless. Choosing to even.

_Hic_ _._

"Marinette? Maybe even a paper bag would help... though I don't remember seeing any of those in the apartment."

She loved his company today. Heck, every day she did. Their daily strolls in the morning, when he would tell all the jokes he had thought of the day before. Adrien was always focused on appearances, but she liked to think he had grown comfortable around her.

_Hic_ _._

"Okay, very funny. You enjoy seeing me suffer right here don't you?"

Marinette paused just before him. She then raised her hands up to both his cheeks, causing them to turn red.

He looked into her eyes expectedly, nervously, hopefully.

Lovingly.

"Not at all, quite the opposite in fact." She kept her voice low. "I only thought of a better idea of how to help you with that."

He continued to stare, wide-eyed.

_Hiccup._

And she closed the gap between them, joining their lips together.

The kiss was soft and sweet, and neither wanted to pull away.

Marinette's hands fell slowly to his waist, and his looped around her own.

There are many ways to show a person how you feel. You can tell them directly, you can help them when they are in need, and you can even show them with your touch.

Marinette liked that last option the best.

As her hips gently glided against his, Adrien partially wished his mouth was available to tell Marinette how he felt. So much was still left unsaid between them, and it was driving him crazy.

But was she not telling him how she felt right now?

Adrien's breath was becoming ragged as they continued, a little from lack of oxygen, a little from nerves. He wanted her to take the lead, show him what she wanted. He's been holding out for such a long time, and then after losing his ring, and then now this, none of it felt real.

His eyes closed and he felt her tug gently on his shirt, leading him towards the couch. He willingly obliged and followed. He'd follow his lady anywhere, of course.

Once seated, Marinette went to again capture his lips in a kiss, but Adrien held up a hand. "Wait." he started. "What... is this?" he motioned the space between the two of them.

Suddenly Marinette was unsure. What did he mean? She thought it was obvious, but now... Adrien was searching for something, and she didn't know what. But she needed to give him an answer.

She should just throw caution to the wind, tell him how deep her feelings went. Make sure he understood just how in love she was, and that this wasn't a one-off thing.

But, would he be scared away? Think that she's trying to push him too much and too fast and he's simply not ready for such commitment and he would feel so guilty and it would be all because of her acting too impulsively.

"Adrien, I—" her voice was shaky. This was so hard; she needed to find the words.

"Marinette, you're trembling."

"It's because I'm nervous Adrien. I don't know what to say."

"Really?" his eyebrows rose. "You're nervous because of me? But you're _Ladybug_. Ladybug is never afraid of anything."

She giggled. "Of course there's things that even Ladybug is afraid of. I know it's rare, but it happens."

"So you're saying that _I_ am one of those rare things that have that effect on you...?" he trailed off.

"Hm... yes, I suppose you are."

Oh. _Oh._ Adrien swallowed noticeably.

Marinette continued. "So, what would you like to do right now? Here?" she patted her hand on the couch. "We can, I don't know... do whatever." she shrugged.

"Whatever sounds great." he wetted his lips. "But maybe... take it slow for now? If you... if that's alright?"

"Of course it's alright." Marinette smiled and scooted close to him. She rested a hand at the hem of his shirt, looking up at him.

"Is this okay?"

He nodded slowly, whispering. "More than okay."

She helped him remove his shirt, leaving bare skin behind. Adrien instinctively moved his hands in front of himself, covering what he could.

"Adrien, you're a model. Feeling a bit shy all of a sudden? You weren't shy yesterday." she prodded gently.

Adrien gave a small smile, eyes turned downward, "Yeah... I know, but for some reason, here, with you... like this. I feel..."

"Nervous?" she finished.

"Yeah. I know it's rare for a model to be so self-conscience, but it happens."

Marinette placed a hand on his, slowly moving it away from his chest. "So what you're saying is, _I_ have an effect on you?"

He nodded slowly, eyes lighting up in recognition.

"But..." he began, "It might help if you took of your shirt as well, that way we are even."

"That's not even."

"Oh really, and why not?"

Marinette whispered in his ear, and he turned bright red before nodding okay. She removed her top and turned her back towards him. Adrien removed her bra, allowing it to fall gently to the floor.

"Can I— can I see you?"

She turned back around for him.

"You're, so beautiful." he looked up at her. "Everything about you is amazing."

Adrien's hand traced a path down her curves and she shivered. Suddenly he was feeling a lot warmer, and his pants more restricted than before. But he could hardly adjust himself, lest she'd think he expected...? A small whine escaped him as he finished that thought.

"Adrien, do you want to—"

"Yes!" he croaked.

Marinette gave a half smile. "But you didn't even hear what I asked of you."

"The answer is still the same." he closed his eyes as his cheeks felt like they were on fire.

Not daring to open them as he immediately heard the sound of moving fabric, he tried to concentrate on something else.

Like her laugh.

Or her smile.

Or her curves, her hips, her—

"Ah!" he gasped when something touched his skin, opening his eyes. "Marinette! You, ah... that... I mean— well I don't mean—" Her clothes, what happened to all her clothes!

"Adrien, relax!"

"I'm trying! But you're not making it easy!"

Marinette blinked at him for a moment, then erupted in a hearty laugh. Adrien couldn't help but join in.

He had nothing to worry about.

This was Marinette. This was Ladybug. Amazing, confident, and in control.

All he had to do was follow her lead, and she'd never do him wrong.

He took a deep breath, then said, at no one in particular, "I've wanted this for so long. I don't know what's wrong with me right now."

A hand against his cheek turned his gaze towards her. "There's _nothing_ wrong with you. You're _perfect."_

" _Hahhh_ _..._ " he needed to get out of these pants now. Standing, he pulled them down until he was as nude as his gorgeous lady sitting beside him.

"Do you want to go to the bedroom?" Marinette asked.

Adrien shook his head. "If we do that, I'm probably going to lose my nerve, and I really want this— want _you_."

Those were apparently the magic words, because right after leaving his mouth, Marinette pushed him down on the couch and straddled his hips, grinding into his crotch while smushing her lips against his own.

Adrien moaned as she rode up against him, pressing every inch of her skin against as much of his as she could. He knew he was worked up before, but now in this position and without any more clothing between them, he was very, _very_ aware of his predicament.

It seemed she noticed as well, because she sat up and just... _looked_ at him.

"See something—" he coughed. "See something you like, my ladybug?" His voice squeaked at the end of that question, like he was fourteen again. Why was he so much _smoother_ in his fantasies?

"Oh I do." Her eyes had that sparkle in them. Uh oh. Now he'd gone and done it. She ran a couple fingers up and down his erection. " _Hh_ _.._. ah—" he bit back a moan. "Very nice indeed."

Adrien could only lay at her mercy as she lightly toyed with him. His hands wanted to run up and down her body, but he couldn't focus on anything outside of the fact that Ladybug was on top of him and they were both _naked_.

This time he couldn't bite back the groan.

That must have been the final straw for her, because Marinette couldn't find it within her to hold back any longer. She needed to feel him, she wanted him close.

Gripping him gently, she positioned his cock at her entrance, slowly sliding herself on top of him. The sound that came out of him was music to her ears.

"Hah, Buginette, please... _mmmpfh_ _, please"_ he begged.

"What's wrong?" she asked, puzzled.

"Ah, oh god... _please move."_

Marinette gave an experimental rock of her hips and Adrien arched his back, hands gripping the sheets with desperation and want.

Another gentle rock from her. Another staggered exhale from him.

A little quicker from her. A gasp from him.

A little harder from her. A breathy moan from him.

One thing was for certain, Adrien was _loud_ when he was like this. Maybe it was because he lived in a huge mansion and thus never worried about being heard, she didn't know. But god was it _hot._

She hoped to eventually figure out _all_ the sounds she could pull from those beautiful lips.

Gripping his hips, she pulled back out, then slid him back in. He bucked back to meet her movement.

She continued to move steadily on top of him, rolling her hips in time with his, gasping each time the tip of him hit _just that right spot_ that sent shivers down her spine and made her legs weak.

Adrien seemed to be faring no better than her right then, he had the most beautifully adorable blissed out face she'd ever seen on him.

She knew she'd never get tired of that face.

Wanting him to touch her breasts, she lowered herself against him, thrusting her hips to keep the friction going. She already was missing the feeling of being completely upright, but she needed to be close to him again. Feel his breath, his trembles, have him hold her tight.

She took one of his hands that gripped the sheet and led it to where she wanted it. He squeezed and brought his other hand to the other side to match as he pressed his hips against hers.

Marinette went silent as he touched her, as he danced his fingers across every sensitive spot. Her jaw hung open in a silent plea for _more_ , and he was answering. Every motion was a silent affirmation, every pinch and caress a signal of love and she needed _more_.

So she kissed him.

"Mmhm, Ma– ah!" She kissed him roughly, then picked up the pace of her hips to match.

"Oh— hahh, god.." Completely gone were any of the once breathy mix of moans from Adrien. His purely sensual, deep voice was all that was left now, unable to be held back. She needed to hear more of him. Needed to make him see stars.

Leaning back upright once again, she rode his dick hard and rough against her heat. Each _smack_ of their sweaty skin that came in contact riled her up more and more, and she needed him deeper. She had to be closer, nothing was enough.

"Adrien, you handle it from here." Marinette's words may have wobbled as she spoke, but unsure she was not, and immediately Adrien found himself being spun around so that he was now on top and in control.

"Please," she begged, arms wrapping around his neck, drawing him near. _"Please move."_

Adrien didn't need to be told twice. Wrapping his own arms around her, he buried his face in the crook of her neck and rocked in time with his pleasure.

Marinette bent her knees up higher up, and then Adrien got an idea. It was a challenge to keep from slowing too much while reaching for a nearby couch pillow, but somehow he managed. His hands moved to her rear, and giving a squeeze for good measure triggered a moan from his lady, after which he quickly slid the pillow underneath her, helping her keep that angle she desperately wanted.

It was such a small change, but now each movement left her moaning in ecstasy.

Adrien continued with renewed fervor, having a harder time keeping it together. His mind was racing and his body was so aroused.

He loved how Marinette was beneath him with her hair in every direction and how her head rocked from side to side as he saw tears pooling in her eyes _and how it was all because of him_.

They were finally united. He and her, him and his lady, and he was on top of her rocking her, fucking her, _making love to her._  

"Marinette... mm—" he gasped and threw his head back as he came hard inside her. She closed her eyes and enjoyed how he gradually returned to his quieter side of heavy breathing and little whispers of _"oh god"_ and _"my lady"._

They rested like that, limbs intertwined, and Adrien brushed a tired hand through Marinette's hair. Smiling brightly, he planted a kiss on her nose, then her lips.

"I love you." he whispered.

"I love you too, so much Adrien." Marinette couldn't help the goofy smile she knew was all over her face.

At that, Adrien bent down for a second peck on her nose.

"What was that for?" she asked.

"Did you know that when you smile like that, you scrunch up your nose? It's so... well, _adorable_."

Marinette rolled her eyes, but the smile never left.

Suddenly, a buzzer went off in the kitchen.

"Hm, guess that's time. We made it. _Bien joué._ "

"Did you really just say that?" Marinette asked, and the pair just looked at each other blankly for a moment, before breaking out in laughter.

"Hey we did have a time limit!" he defended.

"Yes and now it's over so let me up before we burn your very first ever cake!"

Adrien raised himself off of her and to a sitting position on the couch. Marinette followed suite and walked to check on their creation. "It's perfect!" she called out to him.

"Yeah... yeah this really is." he muttered, blushing.

 

The pair dressed and found themselves at the kitchen table. There was still plenty of time before everyone would be over.

Marinette rummaged through her cupboards before she exclaimed. "Oh! We don't have ingredients for the cake frosting!"

Standing, Adrien replied, "I'll get everything we need! This is my gift to you, so I want to go."

"Sure, take your time. You've been here all day with me, go get some fresh air."

He nodded and made to leave, passing by to grab his messenger bag and give just one more chaste kiss to Marinette beforehand.

Closing the outside door to her apartment building, Adrien then saw him.

"Master Fu?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, a cliffhanger! Even though they are great in stories, I actually don't like them because I like having closure. But, Adrien just couldn't keep it in his pants, so there you go.


	6. Of death and life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien finally comes clean on what happened the day he lost his miraculous, and Marinette welcomes him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally we find out why Master Fu has been behaving the way he has... and what secrets Adrien's been hiding.

"Master Fu? But... why are you here?"

"Come with me Adrien. We've a few things to discuss."

Reluctantly, Adrien approached the elder man, pausing only to look back at the window of Marinette's apartment.

"Don't worry, you'll see her again." he assured.

With two hands gripping the strap of his shoulder bag, Adrien sighed with resignation, and followed Master Fu despite the churning in his gut.

As they walked together, Adrien had to ask. "Why did you wait this long to find me?"

"Tell me, do you add noodles to the pot before the water is boiling?" he replied.

Adrien brought a finger to his lips and stared up towards the sky. "Hrm... Is this a trick question, because I've never cooked noodles before. My father's chef does."

Master Fu rubbed his eyes with his hand in response. Adrien smiled hesitantly.

The rest of their walk was spent in silence. Adrien's fingers kept traveling back to his ring, as if checking to see if it was still there.

Turning a corner, he found himself walking into a side alley and up to a plain wooden door.

"We've arrived. Adrien, welcome to my salon and home. You can place your shoes at the door. How about I make us some tea?" Master Fu didn't wait for him to respond before he got started.

"Erm, yes please." Adrien at least hadn't forgotten his manners.

 

The two seated themselves on the floor at opposite ends of a small table. At each of their sides was a petite tea cup. A larger teapot divided them.

Adrien was the first to break the silence. "Master, listen. I can explain every—"

"Ladybug already did." Master Fu interjected.

"What? Marin—er, she already... what did she say?"

"You discovered her identity I see... interesting." he rubbed his beard, contemplating this information.

"Ah, well... it wasn't on purpose, _per se_. It just kind of... happened?"

Adrien shrugged his shoulders, not knowing how or if he should explain the whole story.

"And does she know yours as well? You _do_ realize the potential danger _you would be putting her in_ by revealing yourself to her, correct?"

Adrien swallowed, not wanting to answer. He looked at his empty teacup.

"Oh, forgive me. The tea should be ready now. Please, allow me." he glided his cup along the table, close enough so the guardian could pour him a serving.

The sound of the freshly brewed tea as it hit the bottom of the cup was the only sound in the room.

"Tell me..." Master Fu began, now moving to make himself a cup, "how would you feel if something happened to her on account of you? Could you ever forgive yourself?"

"Forgive myself? How can you even _ask that?"_ Adrien was already feeling in edge based on the way this conversation was going. "I'll always protect Ladybug— Marinette. She's the most important person to me. I value her own life over even my own."

"You love her." he stated.

Tears pricked at Adrien's eyes, and he whispered. "With everything I have."

"How far would you go to protect her?" he challenged, taking a sip from his cup, eyes never leaving Adrien's.

"How... far...?" What was he getting at? What did he mean?

Afraid that he'd give the wrong answer, he tried for something neutral. "I would do everything within my power to protect her, but ultimately we signed up to take the risk."

That response clearly was not enough for Master Fu, because he continued to prod. "Would you die for her?"

"Yes." _A hundred times he would._

"Would you kill for her?"

At this, he choked on his drink, and stammered out, "No! I'd never kill anyone— I mean, if someone was— no, I don't know why you are asking this? It's not black and white!" This was not going well. With each question he felt more like his ring would yet again be separated from him. But this time he wouldn't give it up that easily.

Master Fu sighed, and Wayzz approached him, settling on the table close by. They exchanged glances, and nodded to each other.

"What did Ladybug say happened on... that day?" Adrien asked cautiously.

"Ladybug..." he sighed again. "Ladybug didn't come to me for at least three weeks after the... well the incident with you getting akumatised. On top of that, she thought she'd fool me with a fake miraculous so that she could hold onto the chance of bringing you back."

"Wait... Ladybug did... that? for me?" Adrien's head shot up in shock. Ladybug wanted him back. She searched for him. She waited for him, trusted he'd find his way back to her. But...

"But the Ladybug earrings and ring of the black cat... they should never be kept together by anyone other than a guardian. If you knew... then, why...?" he trailed off.

"Why did I allow her to leave?" Master Fu finished for him. "All in good time Adrien, the answer will become clear. More tea?"

Pouring some for both of them, he continued his story. "Ladybug— well, _Marinette_ , told me that she recalled seeing one of Papillon's akumas right before she was taken under its control, then suddenly the next thing she knows she was facing her partner, lying bleeding on the ground, grasping out for the very butterfly that took her moments prior."

Adrien cringed at the memory. He had vanquished the akuma from her body. Thinking back, it would have done no good to wait since it was his lady who fell victim to Papillon to begin with. He had done all he could.

"Ladybug said that in a final act of desperation, you allowed yourself to be taken by the akuma, possibly to hold it there before she arrived, but... it changed you."

Adrien gripped his cup in shaking hands, as Master Fu asked, "Why don't you fill in the details from there? Tell me, how exactly did you rid yourself free of Papillon's control, when no one has ever done so before now?"

Adrien's shoulders slumped and he exhaled the breath he was holding. He brought his cup to his mouth, blowing on it gently.

"There's not much to say." He eyed the guardian while taking another sip. "It's not possible to remember anything. I fought against Master Marinette, then I grabbed the akuma to buy Ladybug more time to arrive. Then I ended up back at school with no ring. Realizing circumstances were beyond my control, I accepted this until reuniting with Ladybug, who returned it to me."

He nodded. "How much has Plagg told you about the black cat miraculous?"

"Not much I'm afraid." he sniggered. "All he does is eat and sleep."

"Did he tell you how to unlock it's true power _, and what the cost is?"_ his voice rose. _"Did he tell you?"_

Adrien became visibly alarmed. "No! No I'm serious! I don't know what you are talking about!" he babbled. "I promise!"

Master Fu stared into Adrien's eyes, searching. Finally, he said, "Fine. I believe you."

Adrien's gaze fell upon the table. He knitted his brows and angrily muttered. " _Obviously_. It's not like anyone ever tells me anything."

"There are some secrets that are more important than the need to satisfy that _curiosity_ of yours." Master Fu responded.

"There are so many things you are not telling me, and yet you tell Ladybug. I'm always in the dark, alone, never knowing what's going to happen, and yet you are acting like _I'm_ the one who's wronged _you?"_ Adrien stated. "Why?"

"As a guardian, I have taken an oath to protect the miraculous and prevent those that would _do harm to others_ from ever using them."

Adrien got the impression that he was referencing more than just Papillon in that statement. He clenched his jaw, wanting to yell that he'd never think to harm anyone, _ever._ Master Fu could still trust him, even though he had a moment of weakness.

He continued. "The ring of the black cat is nothing to be trifled with. It has within it unimaginable power. Power to destroy cities, continents, even _those we most care about._

"I'd never!" Adrien exclaimed.

"The way Ladybug tells it, your hand got within inches of her _face_. Your rash decision to allow yourself to become akumatised nearly _killed her!"_

"I did no such thing! I fought!" Adrien wasn't going to sit for this. Slamming the palms of his hands against the table, he jumped to his feet. His tea cup laid spilt, its contents slowly dripping off the edge of the table and onto the floor. "I _fought_ him. He was in my mind– yes that's true, but I _fucking took_ his power and _beat him!"_

Master Fu regarded Adrien, the young man he'd become, standing there aggressively, panting, hands balled into fists.

Finally, he whispered. "Even so, it was _your fault_ that your cataclysm got so close to killing Ladybug."

"No..." he shook his head. "It's not—"

" _You_ gave into Papillon and then somehow took back control of your akumatised form." he continued, not giving Adrien a chance to argue.

"That's not—"

" _You_ had no idea that would work. And yet..."

"I knew—"

" _You_ risked her life all the same."

"No!! She was never in any danger!" Adrien screamed.

"Well, it looks like we have a bit of a conundrum then." Fu scratched his chin. Wayzz, don't you see a contradiction in what he's saying?

Wayzz regarded Adrien, frowning. He shook his head sadly and responded, "Yes, Master, there is a contradiction. You were right, this was not going to be an easy conversation."

Master Fu's eyes softened. "I'm sorry Adrien. I can't let you keep the ring. It is just too dangerous..."

"But I— Please! You can't!" Adrien stammered.

"That is... unless I start getting some clear answers from you."

"I'm telling you everything, I swear!"

"You are not!"

"I told you, I was temporarily under Papillon's control, but I _fought_ and was able to redirect my cataclysm to myself so she wouldn't be harmed!"

At this, Master Fu stood up himself. "You just told me you couldn't remember anything that happened!"

"No, it's not completely like that... I—" his lip quivered, fury beginning to take over, but Adrien pushed it back into his stomach where it belonged.

"So which is it? Did you take back Papillon's control before Ladybug got hit and then redirected it towards yourself? In which case, you took the risk of her death on the off chance you'd manage such a feat." he paused. "Or... perhaps you never really lost yourself to him in the first place? Therefore you could be certain that Ladybug really never was in any danger."

Adrien retreated backwards, hitting a wall and preventing him from going any further.

"Were you also aware that in every other circumstance prior, your cataclysm has _always_ been restored exactly as before by Ladybug's miraculous? Do you have anything you want to share as to why _this time_ it didn't work as expected? Why this time you came back, but without your ring?"

The wooden wall felt so cold against his hands. So merciless.

"Normally, the miraculous ladybugs would have brought you back as Chat Noir, _wouldn't you agree?"_

He shook his head as tears pooled and spilled down his cheeks. His mouth formed words but no sound came.

"Adrien, I need to know the truth about the night you were separated from your ring. Tell me what happened. Ladybug said your akumatised form looked identical to your hero form. And based on her story, I can tell that _she never actually witnessed your akumatisation_."

Adrien continued to shake his head, but was able to utter the words he desired, just above a whisper. "You can't tell her. Promise me you won't tell her what really happened. She'd hate me, or pity me, or worse she'd _blame_ herself."

"She has a right to know."

"No! Promise me!!" he spat.

Master Fu sighed. "Please tell me, Chat Noir. _Otherwise I'm going to lose you."_

Adrien felt trapped. Master Fu seated them such that he was opposite the door, and backing up only put him further into the house. He glanced to see if there were any open windows... but alas the weather didn't permit him the opportunity. Eventually, he hung his head in shame.

"Fine. I'll tell you everything I know. Just... can you give me a chance to talk to Ladybug, to– erm, to Marinette, myself first? She should get to hear it from me. I at least deserve that. We both deserve that much. You can fill in the details later for anything I miss." he pleaded.

Master Fu smiled in response. "That I can allow."

Returning to his seat, Adrien noticed the empty tea cup. Still a chance. Quickly drying his tears, he said, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to knock it— I'll clean it up!"

A hand was placed on his shoulder. Master Fu circled around the table to sit beside the young holder. "Don't try to change the subject. I'm not worried about the mess. I just need to know the truth. That way, I'll know for sure what needs to be done."

His eyes widened and his hand involuntary went atop his ring again. Because no matter how he sliced it, he couldn't stop the inevitable.

"Alright."

 

The conversation felt like it lasted an eternity.

In the movies, characters talk through their tears all the time, often with no more than a gasp and a hiccup. It makes for such heart-wrenching and touching scenes.

But in reality, no one likes to see someone cry. Trying to utter even a sentence while you broke down took an astronomical amount of effort. And it was ugly. Your eyes become bloodshot, tears are stained across your skin, skin which becomes red and irritated from wiping your nose way more than anyone should ever have to. Your muscles are _so tired_ from being strained in a contorted pose. A pose that no matter what you do, you just _can't_ relax.

The idea that something becomes "easier" to say the more times you say it is bullshit too. If anything, having to repeat what you just said is _harder_ , more straining, more frustrating, more _rage-inducing_ because why weren't they listening the first time?! It didn't matter if they truly couldn't understand your jumbled up emotional grunts and muffled tear-filled words, the fact that you needed to repeat that nonsense makes you feel like punching out a wall. Or smashing a teapot.

Which is why, every time something didn't come out right, Adrien would need to pause just to scream at the air in frustration. After a couple times, mercifully, he was gifted a pillow to scream into, so as not to rattle all the delicate china in the house.

"I wanted it, okay? I wanted to be dead! What part of that can't you understand?!" he bellowed, visibly shaking, fighting the urge to grab and throw whatever the nearest object was. _"I wanted to be dead!"_

_"I was finished being a miraculous holder... I was finished being on this Earth!"_

"Papillon may have brought all my feelings to the forefront, but they were all _my feelings!_ Nothing was there that I hadn't already thought before! He was just the trigger!"

"He was in my head!" he said, frantically, "He was talking to me _in my head!"_ his pitch rose and he slammed the pillow down on the couch that Master Fu moved him to. He was on a roll now, and nothing was going to stop him.

"I was trying to stall him until Ladybug arrived, and then I realized _it was him who was stalling me. He'd played me like a fool!"_

"I've never felt lower... ever! And _believe me_ there's a lot of competition in that area!" he threw the pillow across the room, accidently knocking over something that was probably worth a lot. He cared but he didn't, all at the same time. Adrien was so _angry—_ angry at Master Fu for his terrible assumptions and accusations, and angry at himself for feeling so angry. For losing control.

"I wanted to die! Nothing was more important than that. _I didn't care_ that there was an akuma anymore. _I didn't care_ that Ladybug just arrived and could've helped. _I didn't– fucking– care_ what anyone was going to think or say about me! I just _needed_ to die!"

Adrien looked desperately at the guardian. "Do you get it now? Do you _fucking_ get it? _I'm fucked up in the head!_ You are right! I don't deserve my miraculous! I'm just a... a fucking coward!"

He was hysterical, Adrien knew that. But it was like watching yourself from afar. So upset that your body and mouth are literally on autopilot, and all you can do is watch yourself burn. He wanted to stop. Be calm. Be _rational_.

But it was literally impossible. Once you got on this type of train, you had no choice but to stay for the ride. And when did rides like this end? Only once you are too physically exhausted to continue.

Having seen this play out once before, a long time ago, Master Fu knew the only option was to allow the train to run its course.

With as much care as he could muster, he held onto Adrien as he crumpled to the floor. Breathing heavily, he knew the boy wasn't done yet.

"You want to know the funniest thing about it?" he whispered through his teeth. "The funniest thing is in that same hour, I had already contemplated going in front of the Gorilla's car. All of this mess has _nothing to do_ with the stupid akumas, stupid Papillon, it's just because of _stupid me._ "

His inhale was wet with a sob. "The only other thing that meant as much in that moment as ending it all, was ensuring that Ladybug wouldn't see it, wouldn't know it was _all my fault._ "

He broke out in tears. "That's why I _tricked_ her."

Master Fu continued to simply support his weight as they sat together on the floor.

"I love her, for fucks sake– _I love her._ I don't want her to bear my burden. I want her to be happy. She'd never understand that... that it's not always like this. It's not always me being on the floor like this... crying like this... look at me, oh... I'm so, _so_ tired. I just want to... disappear."

Adrien finally had enough. He collapsed, eyes closing; the train had reached its destination.

 

When Adrien awoke, he was covered in a blanket, laying on the couch in one of Master Fu's rooms, his feet dangling off the edge because of his height.

He wanted to just roll over and go back to sleep. His eyes still ached– hell, his whole body ached after that ordeal. An ordeal he wished never happened and that he'd be able to forget.

"You're awake." Master Fu entered soon after.

"Yeah... I guess that's what you can call it." he made to sit up. He wished he was somewhere else, but unfortunately he was not somewhere else... he was _here_ , and so he needed to say something. "Eh, hey... before, earlier when we were... when I was..." Adrien sighed. This shouldn't be hard but his head felt like a ton of bricks just hit him.

"I don't normally say, uh, well– _fuck_... at least not so many times, and especially not to guardians of powerful miraculous. So, sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry about. I pushed you into a corner."

Adrien grunted in response.

Clearing his throat, Master Fu spoke again. "I know you probably would like to sleep some more, but I never gave you my side of the story. And it's important you know exactly what happened to you."

"I thought I was the one telling _you_ everything."

"I needed to know your side of what happened, yes. And I needed to hear it from _you_. It was important in me being certain of my theory. And while you slept, I confirmed the remaining pieces of the puzzle with Plagg."

"There's really not much to theorize about. Papillon misjudged his power over me, but instead of me banishing the akuma away like _I should have_ , I _took_ it's power for my own selfish purposes. Sound about right?"

"Yes and no. Not exactly."

"So... what then?"

"It's true that you banished the akuma's presence out of your mind, but you weren't able to do it alone. You had some help... from your miraculous. From Plagg."

At his name, Plagg flew over. "So, you finally got all that pent up anger out of your system? You've been holding _that_ in for a while." Adrien rolled his eyes, but was glad that Plagg wasn't upset with his outburst.

Master Fu continued. "Plagg is the kwami of destruction. As such, he literally pulled from your destructive energy and further maintained your transformation. The truth is, you and Ladybug have been relying on the bare minimum of your strength. Have you ever wondered why Papillon can communicate with his akumatised victims long after five minutes pass? He's learned how to tap into the true power of his miraculous. You can too, but..."

"but what?" Adrien had to know. Did all this mean his cataclysmic power actually came from... himself?

Master Fu came in close to Adrien and lowered his voice. "...but after telling me all of what you did, I'm worried. I don't want to see you ever, _ever_ try to go this route again. It worked out this time and Ladybug brought you _back_. She literally saved your life. That's why you were separated from the ring. Ending your life was equal to renouncing yourself as a holder. But what happens _next time?"_

Plagg spoke up in a sing-song voice. "Next time you might not be so _lucky_."

Adrien squeezed the blanket that was resting in his lap. He finally did it. That day he died, or rather he attempted to, but Ladybug brought him back from the brink. It was a scary thought. Suddenly, all of the thoughts he believed he was comfortable with over the years became very, very _real_. He would have left everyone behind.

Is that really what he wanted?

He had no time to linger on that thought however, as Master Fu then stood, grabbing his attention. Hands behind his back, he walked around the room, eyes travelling to various artifacts that Adrien knew nothing about.

"There's another side to this. I needed to prod you, push you into a corner so that I could see for myself what your reaction would be. I needed to answer the question: Is it true that you have only a _self_ -destructive side, or is there an aggressive tendency waiting to be tapped into?"

Plagg interjected. "What he's trying to say is, if you had it in your heart to kill and destroy, no one would be able to stop you. Because each time you use cataclysm, that power comes from me yes, _but—_ you cannot tap into it unless you open a part of your own heart to it. If you hated someone so much you wanted them _dead_ , you could do it." he then grinned. "But in your case, you're pretty normal– at least normal by your standards. You just threw a pillow, and you smashed an ancient artifact I happen to hate by the way— so I say good job."

"Is this becoming clearer now?" Master Fu asked Adrien. "I could not simply tell you of this power, not without ensuring you are not capable of using it for ill."

Adrien stiffened, then asked softly. "Then why _me?"_

"Why you?"

"Why did you choose me? If you couldn't trust me..." his heart clenched, he truly was the black cat of the team. The outsider, the one who not only has been but _had to_ be kept in the dark, for the safety of everyone else. Because of how messed up he was.

"I chose you because I _do_ trust you. I could see that you had a good heart. You were willing to help an old man even if that came at a cost to yourself. And I still believe that, even now. You were backed into a no-win situation, I was a threat, and yet– you did not resort to using your power. The only time you _did_ was..."

"... to use it upon myself." Adrien finished for him. So yes, it was true he was a danger, but only to himself.

"That's not to say I wasn't exercising caution. With you unlocking your inner strength and Ladybug hanging onto the ring, I wasn't going to tip my hand until I knew safeguards were in place."

"Safeguards?"

At his motion, all of the kwamis from the miracle box appeared at Master Fu's side.

"We needed to be on standby... in case you called your transformation to lash out in anger at our Master. It would have been difficult, but we would have defended him to the best of our ability."

"You were worried I would... fight _all of you?"_

"I was not expecting us to have this conversation." Master Fu redirected. "I did not realize how deep your destructive thoughts went. But then again... it was never completely off the table. This type of scenario is unfortunately more likely than not when dealing with holders of the black cat miraculous."

So he wasn't really alone, and suddenly he felt a stronger connection with his chosen path. He never has nor ever will meet them, but there _are_ others out there that have gone through the same things as him.

Others who have struggled with teetering back and forth between wanting to live and wanting to die.

Others who also had been told the same story, others who probably felt the same fear afterwards... fear of what it meant to wield such power. What it meant if he allowed hatred in his heart to grow, who would be caught in the crossfire?

He knew exactly who.

Adrien thought back to all of their battles. How he took for granted the fact that sometimes he simply turned his target to dust. Sometimes he forced material out of an object, like when he met his Lady for the first time. Other times he could destroy a piece of something, or even break it apart like when he trapped Volpina. He understood how his cataclysm worked intuitively. Would anyone be as capable of that as him?

"On that note, I was wondering–" Adrien cleared his throat.

"One minute, let me get you some water. You must be parched." Master Fu interjected, leaving abruptly.

Adrien whined. "But I still have so many questions." he dropped his head, still exhausted, yet wanting to continue.

"Get stuck in your own thoughts for too long and you'll go crazy, you know!" Plagg floated down onto his arm.

Adrien smiled wistfully at the kwami. "Thanks for always looking out for me, Plagg. Hey, you _knew_ what I was feeling then, that day? Didn't you?"

"Yes. I felt everything you felt."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be... I mean, it's not like I'm ever even _cranky_ or anything like that– so it was quite an experience to say the least. But I forgive you." He gave a smirk, eyes narrowing playfully.

At that, Master Fu returned with a tray containing a tall glass of water and some crackers, both of which Adrien accepted readily.

"So, I know you have many questions. I can't promise you that all will be answered, but I think I owe you some explanations. That is, if you have the time."

Adrien then remembered he needed to be back for the apartment warming party. Checking his watch, he made a mental calculation and he only had a few minutes to get any questions answered. He wouldn't have time for the cake frosting... but Marinette would understand...

... if he told her right away where he went that is.

Which he _couldn't_ , not with family and friends surrounding them both all evening and potentially late into the night. She'd want details that he wasn't yet ready to give.

"Adrien...?"

Oh, right. His questions.

"I wanted to know... is this how it is for every miraculous holder? That they need to be in touch with the power they wield?"

"Yes."

"So what about, well— Ladybug? or Papillon for that matter!" he quickly amended. "You said he's been harnessing the true power of the butterfly miraculous. What is—"

"I'll let you think about what kind of feeling needs to be in his heart in order for him to do what he's doing. As for Ladybug..."

Master Fu sat beside Adrien. He placed his hand onto Adrien's chest.

"Do you feel that?" he began. "That's your heart, it beats now because of her."

"You said earlier that I... died. But she brought me back." he shivered. _"How?"_

"Is it not clear enough based on what you already know now? She loves you. She holds the power of creation. _She breathed life back into you. She saved you."_

Adrien didn't try to hold back the fresh tears that streamed down his cheeks. "She wanted me to _live_."

"More than you wanted to die. This is also why not just anyone can be Ladybug and Chat Noir. If a black cat were to go on a murderous spree, Ladybug may not be able to bring them all back. She needs to have the will for life that matches his will to destroy. These two miraculous balance each other, but perhaps even more importantly, the _holders_ need to balance each other."

"Oh god..." he inhaled sharply. "How can I face her?"

"She doesn't yet know all that you do about what happened." Master Fu quickly noted.

"Even still... it was bad enough that I have to explain to her that I'm... suicidal. It took me long enough just to admit it to myself, and only after I actually _went_ through with it. Up until then, all the same feelings were there, but I was in denial. How can she accept someone like that?"

The kwamis exchanged glances, and no one was sure what to say. Adrien kept going.

"And _now_ , it's even _worse_ than I originally thought. Not only did I take my own life of my own accord, she pulled me back. She's the reason I'm alive. She's going to feel responsible for me. I can't do it— I don't want to be her burden, her pain, and— and what about if there's next time, _when there's a next time?_ It's not like these thoughts just _poof_ out of existence! I've come to terms with being like this. But her— no... no... _no!"_

"She'll either hate me, or suffer because of me!" Adrien grabbed a fistful of hair with both hands, burying his face towards his lap. "Should I even go back? Should I knowingly subject her to this? What would that say about me?"

"You should take my approach, do what makes _you_ feel good. Do you want to see her again?" Plagg suggested.

"Yes."

"And do you want to stay her partner, despite the risks?"

"...yes."

"Then just do it!" he yelled. "And to make yourself stop worrying about it, tell her how you feel, and then do whatever she tells you to do! _God knows you did just that an hour ago... and I was trying to eat, sheesh."_

"Plagg!!"

"Plagg is right Adrien. Go to her. You'll know what to do, just have faith in yourself." Wayzz said, smiling. Master Fu nodded in agreement.

Adrien sighed, raising his head back up. "Fine... alright. I'll... tell her... and... I'll keep the ring. That is, if I'm allowed?"

"You are not a danger to others, only yourself, so I'll allow it. But... knowing the potential consequences, I'd feel responsible if something happened again."

Adrien cringed. "Don't! If there's one thing you can do for me, please don't take responsibility for my decisions."

"You cannot make a fatal decision without also having the means to act on it."

"I'm choosing to keep the ring! I want to stay with my lady— with Ladybug, at her side! We'll defeat Papillon together! I think if anything, losing my miraculous has shown me what a significant part of my life it's become... and how badly it hurts to go without. So, either way, I'm still taking a risk to myself, it's not your fault."

"Alright." he responded, a hint of sadness on his face. "It's about time you got out of here, isn't it?"

Adrien nodded.

 

As Master Fu watched him leave, Wayzz flew to his side.

"Do you really not think he is a danger?" he asked.

"In the end, _every_ black cat holder is a liability. The question is not whether they pose a danger, but whether they balance the ladybug. This world cannot exist without both darkness and light. As a guardian, I have to accept that this simply is the way of the universe, and there's nothing I can do to change it."

 

Adrien walked at a brisk place back towards Marinette's apartment, not yet sure how he was going to explain the lack of frosting.

"Forget about your frosting! The _real_ problem is you didn't get any cheese!"

"Why is all you care about cheese all the time! Seriously, what is so great about cheese?"

"What's so great about cheese?! _What's so great about sex?"_

"Hey what? Why are you asking that? Isn't it obvious why anyone would like it?" he blushed beet red.

"Well there you go! Interrogate me about something so obviously wonderful, probably the _only_ thing that's good about this world, but you can't stand me questioning your peculiar habits!"

Adrien scoffed. "Sorry I asked."

 

Marinette was expecting him to be back by now. Sure, she had told him to take his time, but he was only getting a couple things from the store. She continued to look at the time every few minutes, then check her window, until Alya finally had enough.

"Stop worrying about him, Marinette! He's a big boy. He can take care of himself, certainly going to the store."

"I know, but everyone else is here and—" A knock interrupted that thought and she raced for the door.

Sabine beat her to it. "Good evening Adrien! I hope you are doing well. Marinette says you two have spent most of the day together; that's wonderful to hear." she smiled at him.

"Sorry I'm late. I, uh— something came up?" he faced Marinette guiltily. "Sorry Marinette... I couldn't get the frosting ingredients in time for our cake."

"Don't worry about it. What matters is you're back." she pecked him on both cheeks.

The evening was filled with laughter and cheer, as Tom, Sabine, Alya, Nino, Marinette and Adrien shared delicious food and good company. Despite having forced to tell his deepest secret unexpectedly, and being pushed into a corresponding breakdown, Adrien thought he was holding his own alright. He smiled at all the right times, laughed at the jokes, and forced himself to eat even though his appetite was long gone.

Marinette was busy hosting, and catching up with her parents, so thankfully she didn't seem to notice his still somewhat bloodshot eyes. Either that or she was waiting until a better time to bring it up.

There was one person though, that didn't seem to understand when to drop a topic.

"Bro, you are _not_ wiggling your way out of this one. No way man. I can tell when you're dippin', and _you're dippin'_."

"This is hardly the time and place Nino. And when will you finally put that word to rest?"

"Yo Marinette! I'm gonna take Adrien here for a minute. You don't mind if we use your bathroom right? I need help with something _personal._ "

Both Marinette's and Adrien's eyes popped at his choice of words. Alya just shook her head.

"Uh, sure Nino. Not a problem. Erm... good luck?" Marinette responded.

"All of you are ridiculous!" Alya exclaimed, hands in the air. "We don't need an explanation. Just do whatever you gotta do, and keep it to yourselves!"

Nino dragged a very embarrassed Adrien away from the group.

Closing the bathroom door, he said quietly, "I don't know what it is this time, and you know I wish you'd tell me. But I'm not going to ask. Just... come here." Nino pulled Adrien into an embrace.

Adrien gave a weak resistance. "Nino, you're going to make me lose my composure right now. I can't— I just gotta keep it together until everyone leaves."

"Why don't you go home? It's easy enough to blame your old man for an excuse. Nine times out of ten it's not even an excuse."

"No... I need to talk to Marinette about something. But... I can't with everyone around. It's getting..." he closed his eyes and paused, wrapping his arms around his friend. His breath hitched before he spoke next. "It's getting a bit more difficult as the night goes on is all."

"Alright then. But I'm taking Alya home. She'll be cool."

Adrien sniffed. "Thank you Nino. Thank you."

"I'll head outside. You give yourself a minute, ya hear? You got this, bro." Nino slapped his back and excited the bathroom.

 

Upon leaving his hideaway, Adrien noticed that not only had Alya and Nino already left, but Tom and Sabine were saying their goodbyes.

Once everyone had left, Adrien spoke. "Listen, about the cake..."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to bring it out!" Marinette said happily.

"You... did?" he said, puzzled.

Marinette ran into the kitchen and came back with a large square box. "Here it is!"

"You... wrapped the cake, the one we made? I don't understand."

"Open it."

"But it was a gift for you."

"Just open it." she presented him the box.

Unfolding the cardboard, Adrien gasped when he looked inside. "You had frosting after all?"

"Yeah, I did." she admitted, sitting next to where he just landed on the couch. "I just needed you out of the apartment so that it would be a surprise. Do you like it?"

"Marinette... I don't know what to say."

Not only had the cake been expertly frosted. There was also a phrase written on it.

_Welcome home, Adrien._

"Welcome home Adrien." said Marinette. "I wanted you to know that, even though this is your apartment... I'm still welcome anytime."

Adrien didn't even care about correcting her. He couldn't hold back his tears and threw himself in her arms.

"Adrien, what's the matter?" she questioned, concerned.

"I need to tell you about something. If we are going to continue... this between us, you deserve an explanation to how crazy I've been acting recently."

Marinette remained silent. She _did_ want to know what has been bothering him, but they never seemed able to broach the topic. Was he going to really give her the chance now?

"Take your time. You clearly are upset right now. Don't worry about explanations. I'll be around."

"I'll tell you soon, I promise." his silent tears continued to fall.

They sat together until his cries tapered off to only short breaths and gasps.

Marinette bent down and whispered in his ear. "We're both tired. Let's go to bed."

He looked up at her. "Wh—what?"

"Like the cake says. Welcome home. This was as much your apartment warming party as it was mine. I want you to treat here as, well... yours."

Adrien could consider all the problems with accepting her offer. How much more difficult it would be for her to leave him behind if she wanted to later. How much more he'd break her heart.

But now, in this moment. All he wanted was to sleep, and she chased away all of his nightmares. She was someone he could hold, who would hold him right back. She was someone who would offer comfort when he needed it.

She was his light, his lady.

His amazing Marinette.

"Sure, let's go. But only for tonight. My father will be worried if I don't come home tomorrow. I'll send Natalie a message saying where I am now."

Adrien wasn't sure if he could face every tomorrow, but he knew one thing: he could face every night with her by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I just take a fun, upbeat children's show and turn one main character's ability into an angst-ridden, terrible thing that he's only able to fully use because of the will he has for his own self-destruction?
> 
> Yes. Yes I did.


	7. Adrien delivers his letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day of their double date, but before that, Adrien shows up early with a special letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are finally starting to turn around for Adrien, at least in some ways, but he's still got some loose ends with Marinette. Again thanks everyone for reviewing and following my story.

A week since passed since Adrien promised both Master Fu and Marinette, albeit separately, that he'd explain how he felt and what he'd been struggling with.

He and Marinette had continued their daily morning walks, and it was there that he found he had been invited to a double date with their friends.

And who would have guessed, that after his two attempts to take her out prior, it would be Alya who sets it all up.

Nino better hang on to that one. She gets things done.

And so, when the day finally arrived, Adrien found himself standing at her apartment door, dressed in a button down with matching pants and jacket. Not his most formal wear by far, but he knew it would turn some heads.

Though there was only one head he wanted to turn his way today.

Marinette opened her apartment door, still clad in pajamas, her unbrushed hair hanging at her shoulders.

She was so beautiful.

"Adrien, what brings you over? I didn't think we were leaving for another hour... oh no I forgot the time didn't I?! I'm so lame! Hold on I'll get ready—"

"Actually," Adrien rocked on the balls of his feet in the doorway. "I just wanted to talk about something, oh actually, can I come in first?" he gave a small smile, cheeks turning pink.

Marinette returned his smile. " _Actually,_ I happen to have some cheese and cookies in the kitchen, if you'd like to come sit down."

Huh. Well alright.

They made their way into the kitchen, but neither of them bothered to sit down. Tikki and Plagg helped themselves.

He cleared his throat. "So, I uh..." _Ugh, this was going great already._ His hand began fishing through his coat pocket.

Marinette on the other hand, didn't waste time. "You said you'd explain your feelings to me when you're ready. I know that, but after thinking about it more I realize that I don't have any right to them if you aren't comfortable with it. Don't worry about it. I'll always be in your life, regardless. I'm not going to leave."

The way she said it all at once made it sound rehearsed.

"Don't say things you don't mean." he whispered.

"Never would dream of it."

After finally locating it, Adrien removed a small envelope with _Marinette_ written on the front.

Presenting it to her, he said "Don't let anyone else see this. I couldn't bear this getting out."

"Thank you for trusting me, Adrien." she took it from his hand.

"Oh, erm... one other thing I should probably mention." His hand traveled up to the nape of his neck. "Growing up, I used to talk to Nino, not really in the same way as this letter, uh, but let's just say he has some idea of what I have been going through. If you need to, I dunno... complain or vent about me to someone, he's your guy. He'd probably get a good kick out of it too, that is, after he kicked my butt about whatever nonsense I did."

Marinette nodded, unsure still of what he meant, but willing to do whatever she could to help.

"So... yeah. That was about all I had. I'm not sure why I came over an hour early, just to give you that. Kind of silly."

Marinette crossed her arms, looking his way amusingly. "It is kind of silly."

"Not like I was just, oh, excited to see you." Adrien took a step.

"Not at all..." Marinette breathed, matching his step with her own.

"You said it's an hour until we have to leave?" he asked.

"An hour at least. Plenty of time." her hands snaked around his torso, pulling him in. Her pajamas did little to prevent him from feeling every one of her curves.

"Don't—" he choked. "Don't forget the letter."

"You're right." she held his cheek in her palm, looking up to him. "I should put this somewhere safe. How's the bedroom sound?"

"Perfect." he squeaked, blushing. "I actually just finished writing it before coming here."

Marinette could tell from the timid smile and hopeful eyes he was giving her that he was feeling vulnerable again. Exposed. Noticed.

Taking his hand, she began leading him down the short hallway. She took her time, wanting to give him space to figure out what he was comfortable with. Standing at the bedroom doorway, she turned to press a chaste kiss to his cheek. Judging by the way his dilated pupils gazed back at her, she felt it was a sign she could keep going.

Marinette opened the door and gestured Adrien to enter first. Secretly, she loved watching him as he explored her boring space, as if he had found his own little oasis. A place for just the two of them.

Their oasis.

He ran his fingers across her dusty dresser that she never got around to cleaning before moving in. Beside the dresser, he stood in awe at her artistic patterns strewn across her mannequins. Next, he reached her bed. His feet padded silently across the carpet as if he were traversing a sacred space. The smile that formed upon entering still hadn't wavered.

At the foot of the bed, he sat down, facing her. Asking if this was okay. Of course it was _okay_ , it was _more than okay._ She invited him in, and it saddened her a little to know he still was unsure.

But at the same time, Marinette herself was unsure too. What was too fast? What did he have in mind to _do?_

She voiced her questions. "Do you want to take it one step at a time again?"

He slowly shook his head, his smile returning brighter. "I know what I want today, that is– if you're okay with it."

Marinette joined him on the bed, only pausing to place the envelope on the dresser first. They both were seated upright next to each other, feet dangling.

"And what is it that you want?" her voice rose a little. Was she this excited to know? She still didn't really know much about what he liked. It was still so much a mystery.

Pivoting on his hand, Adrien spun around so he was positioned at the edge of the bed before her. His hand still touching the bed forced him to hover his body right above her.

So close they _could_ touch, but still he was such a tease.

"Why don't you touch me?" her breath mingled with his as she spoke.

"Because it feels so much better if we just..." he shifted his hips closer. "keep the..." And his lips closer. "tension going..." Marinette's eyes fluttered closed as his lips ghosted over hers. "You're so beautiful like that. Hot, and tense."

"What's gotten into you?" she mumbled.

"I am trying to woo you... is it working yet?" he asked and she giggled. He could be such a dork.

A really attractive dork.

"You already wooed me years ago without even trying."

"Nah..." his face brushed against her hair. "Let me at least _pretend_ I'm doing something right." he whispered into her ear.

Oh.

"Sure. So, you never told me what _exactly_ you're looking for right now."

"What exactly, hrm... well, let's start with this." he said, capturing her lips with his own.

Adrien's kisses were gentle, but not uncertain. The way he rested his lips against hers for a moment, pausing before pressing them together, Marinette knew he was savoring every single one she'd allow.

She pulled him closer, leading them both so that they could lie down on the bed. He hovered over her, their legs intertwined.

Unintentionally, Adrien's pelvis bucked against her, allowing her to feel just how big he was. The thought itself of him fitting inside her was enough to erupt a soft moan, one he eagerly accepted.

His hand followed next. In the same way that he handled everything in her room with such great care, she of course was no exception. He cupped her face so delicately. Showing her how important she was to him. His fingers traced her cheekbone and down her jaw, before following further still along her body until she let out a gasp when he reached the side of her breast.

Adrien was giving it his all to be as attentive and confident as possible, while not giving away the fact that his stomach was really in knots. He tried not to think that this might be their last time together, and how he wanted it to be perfect for her. Tonight she'd read his letter and decide if she was through with him. He'd never hold it against her if she left.

He massaged her breasts, pushing them slightly together before cupping underneath in just the right way that had her squirming into his touch. Foreheads touching, both panting, his hands against her curves. Marinette nearly removed her top, when he wandered further downward to her waist.

Whimpering at the loss of attention, she arched her back, silently asking for more. He obliged, coming back up, this time underneath her shirt. He knew what she wanted.

And judging by the shortness of his breath, he wanted it just as much.

Marinette wrapped her arms around him, pulling him in closer.

Adrien's heart was pounding. The words burning at his lips that he just couldn't say, not yet. He knew that she loved him, yes, she's said so herself, but he was _in love_. And until she knew the whole story, he had to wait to tell her so.

So he'd wait.

Lifting her shirt, he brushed his lips against soft skin. Breathing her in. Tasting her. Memorizing every inch of her. His tongue occupied one side, his fingers the other, and he couldn't help but gasp when she did.

It was difficult to focus already. Adrien's head was spinning. His fingers pinched her gently, tenderly, and oh so eager. It was a mix of seriousness and playfulness swimming in his mind. He wasn't sure what feeling was winning.

Marinette tried to keep still under him, but he was working such magic that she couldn't help but move under his spell. Her hands ran through his blonde hair, always brushed so perfectly. Everything about him was perfect. But... he was always so guarded. Only she saw him like this, so open, so vulnerable. She hoped she'd _always_ be the only one.

Adrien knew Marinette was feeling impatient, judging by the way her hips kept grinding against him, didn't she realize what that _did to him?_ Was she trying to torture him on purpose?

"Marinette, slow down, you're... _ah— god you feel so good._ But _please_ , these are my nice pants." He half joked.

"All of your pants are your nice pants." She joked back. Always evenly matched.

"Touché."

Her hands left his hair in order to pull off her shirt, and the two separated for a moment. This gave Adrien a chance to pause and look at her, and somehow he was falling in love all over again.

He lowered his head against her chest, hearing her heartbeat. It was going so fast.

Was it beating for him?

"You're amazing." he sighed into her.

She smiled. "You make me _feel_ amazing." Her chest moved as she took a breath. Suddenly then she stilled, and for a moment Adrien thought he did something wrong.

But then he noticed her hands, how they were gripping the waistband of her pajama pants, hesitantly nudging them down then pulling back again.

He knew what she wanted.

Adrien sat back up and ran his fingers along the inside of her waistband, meeting hers. Together they slowly pulled down, and he swallowed.

"You're not, uh—" he had to laugh a little. "You're not wearing any underwear today, I see."

Marinette gave him a shy look. "Is that a problem?"

"Ah! Oh no! I just was— you surprised me is all. May I?"

She nodded and raised her hips, allowing him to remove her pants completely.

There was something uniquely enticing about seeing Adrien above her like this, fully clothed, already dressed for their date, and then her... completely nude beneath him. She had already seen _exactly_ what he looked like under those layers; it's not like she needed to imagine. Maybe knowing what was there but being prevented from seeing, from touching— that was what made it so hot. It was the denial of doing what she wanted to the boy above her.

Then she watched as Adrien unconsciously wetted his lips with his tongue, staring wide-eyed... lower.

She couldn't resist the low moan that came out, and Adrien quickly brought his eyes back to meet hers.

"So..." he started, voice suddenly hoarse. "You asked me before what exactly I wanted to do."

"You're right. I did."

Beginning towards her knee, Adrien very slowly glided his hand up her thigh... towards her core... and back down again, closer to where she wanted him most, but was _just_ avoiding.

"You love to tease." she gave him a pout.

"I already told you, it's so much better if we... _mmphf_... keep the tension going." As he said this, he moved to hold her hips, bringing his mouth near her arousal.

As Adrien peppered her skin with kisses, he held her down as she tried to buck against him. " _Uh uh._ I've got you and you're not getting off easy this time."

"Literally you mean right?" Marinette quipped.

Hanging his head, he responded, "Ha, I walked into that one I suppose."

"I think your jokes have just been rubbing off on me."

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that."

"Hm, that I don't know, maybe you want to show me?" Marinette couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth today. Somehow Adrien brought out this side of her, the confident, strong side.

They both really brought out the best in each other.

And Adrien was all too glad to comply with her wishes. He quickly brought his lips back down to taste her heat, and Marinette's breath hitched.

His face pressed against her folds as the tip of his tongue worked circles around her clit, and she arched back into the sheets.

"Mmf... oh—" Marinette tried to be quiet, but it was hard to do when she was as intoxicated as she was by him. She continued to thrust her hips involuntarily, and reveled in the feel of his strong hands holding her in place. She was helpless under him.

He worked steadily, not concerned about the time; he was focused solely on her pleasure. His tongue moved deliberately and rhythmically against her, and she concentrated on the feeling, reveling in the fact that it was _his mouth_ upon her. _Soft, wet, gentle_ enough and he alternated between bringing her closer before leaving her wanting as he would switch back to teasing her with a flick of his tongue.

He wasn't lying when he said he wasn't letting her off easy today.

She lifted her head back up, off from the bed, to watch him. So well put together in his button down, hair done perfectly, his hands on her inner thighs now, spreading her. Every now and again he'd give her a squeeze, letting her know that he was enjoying this just as much as she.

The fabric of his sleeves rubbed softly against her skin as he held her in place. Perhaps one day he'd let her make him an outfit. Marinette thought of what it would be like, going out together somewhere, him wearing one of her creations proudly, something she'd made especially for his body, not a duplicate in the world.

She then noticed his own hips were moving a little, grinding himself against her bedding, so aroused by what he was doing. Watching him lose his cool like that was just so... _mmphf,_ she gasped... _incredible._

Involuntarily, Marinette jerked her hips, catching Adrien off guard. Feeling her warmth suddenly overtake him, he let out a throaty groan that vibrated her core, and then he followed up with such zeal that Marinette was seeing stars.

Adrien was on top of the world. In this position, all of his senses were on overdrive. She was literally _everywhere_. He wanted to move lower, explore her further, but didn't want to abandon this wonderful spot that he knew was already such a pleasure for her.

So he decided to up the ante.

At the risk of her thrusting against him again, one hand roamed down to her folds, teasing her entrance. For now he just rested like that, knowing that it probably was driving her crazy.

"Did I... ah! ever tell you that you're such a– _hah_ , such a _tease!"_

He pressed one digit inside as a response, and curled it towards him.

"Ahh! _Adrien!"_

He inserted another, not wanting to give her time to adjust, and explored her eagerly. Who's the tease _now?_

Adrien couldn't stop her hips from moving, but he no longer cared. The only thing on his mind was how _good_ she tasted as the flat of his tongue covered her.

He needed more of her. He needed to be closer, _closer_.

He couldn't help himself. He brought his mouth entirely over her clit and started to suck and nibble, drinking her in completely. _Oh god, Marinette, I can't, I can't,_ he thought, shaking his head _._ He couldn't think. He couldn't stop. He couldn't... couldn't...

Marinette was so close. She was being driven insane with how excited Adrien was making her. She was a mess, panting and writhing as he touched her all over, in all the right ways. It felt like he'd stay there forever if she allowed it.

And oh was that so, _so tempting._

Stealing another look down at him, she choked as she noticed his second hand left her hip and was between his legs. God, he must be so _hard_ and _tight_ in those pants.

But even in her haze, she was coherent enough to know he couldn't be doing that much for himself, given the sheer focus he had on _her_ right now.

"Please, Adrien... _I want you to kiss me_." she forced out. And upon hearing her request, he obeyed.

Already missing the warmth between her own legs, Marinette tried to switch the focus onto what he needed. She ran her hands up and down his back, trying to calm herself down.

"You're so beautiful." she heard him utter. "What do you need?"

How was she supposed to resist when he kept _offering himself to her?_

"Adrien, _please_. I'm trying to consider _you_. What do you need?"

At her words, Adrien ground his hips against hers. "Your hand is fine." he muttered. "I'll do the rest."

Marinette abruptly grabbed him from over his pants and he _begged. "No! haah– god, stop!"_

As quickly as she started, her hand recoiled away from him, startled. "What's wrong?"

Adrien buried himself in the crook of her neck, gasping. "Give me a second, mm... you— I didn't meant for you to touch _me_."

"Then what...ah, _what?_ You want... even now...?"

Adrien nodded, eyes closed, clearly worked up and on the edge, trying to relax.

Adrien– who was on top of her, still clothed, just hanging on, and yet he had no inclination of anything besides _her pleasure._

"I'm not sure how I ended up this lucky..." she said out loud. Adrien's face turned red.

"It's because you deserve it." he replied.

"Kiss me now you big dork."

He did.

Her own hand moved lower and she began stroking herself hard and fast. Adrien moved to her side, giving her room and watching in want, oh how he missed her already. This couldn't be their last time, _no_. He needed her. All of her.

"Ah, sorry Marinette but I have to—" he choked out, quickly unbuckling his pants and pushing them down. Gasping, he grabbed his dick and worked on his own pleasure. Seeing him suddenly, fully erect and desperate, it was too much.

She needed him. All of him. "Ah, please wait—" she begged him.

He whined, but obeyed, his hand instantly dropping before she even got to _why_ she was asking.

He was trusting her without question.

Just like... god—

That was her _partner_ —

"Oh, _mmph—"_ she came hard as she imagined him in all black next to her, hair every which way, but the same warm green eyes that _always_ looked to her.

"Please, Chat Noir, can you..." Marinette gasped as she rode out her bliss. At the sound of his hero name, Adrien rolled on top of her. "Anything, my lady."

Not yet returned from her high, Marinette felt herself suddenly so full, so _complete._ "I'm not going to last very long, Ladybug." he breathed out, trying so hard to hold on for her as he rocked himself while inside her.

"Whatever you want to do, chaton. As long as you are here with me. _In me_. I love—"

His lips covered hers suddenly as she felt him finish inside her, filling her.

The look etched on Adrien's face as his eyes fluttered shut caught Marinette by surprise. In the midst of his bliss, a split second of hurt crossed his features. She knew he was happy with her, right here in this moment together... so why?

What did he need that he wasn't asking for?

And _why_ wouldn't he just ask?

Regardless of the answer, Marinette was going to do her very best to make today special. Even if she couldn't figure what was bothering him, she could let him find escape while they were together. She could do at least that much.

"That was amazing, Adrien." she whispered in his ear as he rested on top of her.

He mumbled something incoherent.

"I mean it. You're amazing. Now, I've got to get showered and dressed before we're late and people get suspicious." she winked.

Adrien rolled slowly off of her and onto the bed, facing away and curling up inside the blankets without bothering to pull up his pants.

Placing a hand on his shoulder, she said, "I'll just be fifteen minutes, twenty tops. You going to take a cat nap in the meantime?"

He nodded from inside his little cocoon.

She kissed him behind his ear, sending a shiver down his spine and he gasped. "Be right back."

The door closed softly behind him.

Hearing the sound of the shower running, Adrien finally exhaled.

The letter was right there on the dresser.

He didn't have to do this.

He still had time to take it back, to not burden her with his feelings. She'd acknowledged that she's okay with not knowing. He's just risking her leaving.

Adrien breathed the covers he was snuggled in, the scent of sex still present. The scent of their love.

He didn't want to give this up.

He hoped that neither would she.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are finally seeing both sides of each other <3


	8. What needs fixing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The four friends go on their double date to the amusement part, and there they grow a little closer. Marinette finally learns the truth of what happened on the day she lost her partner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me a while, and I appreciate the patience. It was probably the most difficult to write... emotionally speaking that is. It took a few iterations to finally get the words out on paper, so to speak.

He had to admit, Alya couldn't have picked a better day for the four of them to spend together.

They met in the afternoon to visit the amusement park. It not only had plenty to see and do, but allowed the group to split off into pairs when and if they felt like it. And given the chilly weather, it was not heavily crowded to boot.

"Alya, you're a genius." Adrien remarked as they walked side by side.

"Well, _one_ of us has to have the brains in this group." she replied, smiling. "Might as well be me."

They laughed, and after Adrien spoke back up. "So, what should we see first?"

"It sounds like you already have something in mind." Alya noted, given the tone in his voice.

Adrien's cheeks tinged pink and he glanced shyly at his shoes. "Well... if no one has any objections... maybe, the ferris wheel? I've only been on it the one time."

"As a phone, don't forget the part."

"Right, I was only a phone in my youth." they laughed again. "So it would be nice to see it as a person this time around."

And thus their first order of operation was to ride the ferris wheel. All four of them entered the same cart, not yet wanting to split up, and Adrien liked the fact that it was an identical setup to that of their earlier days.

Each cart was fully enclosed, with glass windows covering the entire top half of the unit. Adrien planted himself at one side and did not move or speak a word as they ascended.

Watching the sky from a phone screen had nothing on seeing it in person, from nearly a hundred feet in the air. It was breathtaking, and Adrien found himself unable to pull his gaze away even for a second. Rather, he wanted to ensure he'd remember this sight for as long as he lived: his first _real_ ferris wheel ride.

"Is it really that different from seeing the sky as... _you know_...him?" Marinette whispered so only he could hear, casting a brief backwards glance at Alya and Nino on the other side of the cart. "You've seen this sight plenty of times, what makes this one special?"

"What do you think?" he answered brightly, eyes not leaving the glass pane.

She thought about it. "Is it... your friends, us?"

He shook his head. "Close, but not quite."

"What then?"

"I'm seeing it as myself. Not as a hero, not as a _phone_ , but as... me."

"But, even in a hero suit, you're still... _you_ , right?"

"Do you really think that?" That caused his head to turn towards her, mouth hung open slightly and she could see his front teeth peeking out in that adorably dorky way.

His reaction had her reconsidering what she said. Had she really put Adrien and Chat Noir together in her mind right away? They were the same person... and yet...

"...so different." Marinette hadn't meant to say that last part out loud, and she immediately noticed her mistake, grimacing. "Sorry. You may be right. Even though I knew, it still took me a while to really look at you... as _him_."

He smiled. "I am more outgoing behind the mask, among many other differences. Sometimes even _I've_ treated the two as separate people but—"

"In all the ways that matter, you are still the same." Marinette finished, catching him off guard.

Adrien blushed. "I know it was probably hard at first to accept that I am him, especially since you kept rebuffing my _many_ advances." he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, "But I am glad that you accepted me nonetheless. You could have just as easily decided you didn't want this between us."

"Not want this? You? Never."

With that said, Marinette scooted closer to him, lacing her fingers in his. "You know, I think you're right. The sky does look beautiful like this."

Adrien squeezed the hand she placed in his own.

The four exited the ride one at a time, moving back towards the main path before Alya shimmied towards Marinette.

"You two were _quiet_ on the ride. Sharing _naughty thoughts_ in the privacy of your corner? I could tell you two were whispering." She elbowed Marinette as they walked side by side ahead of Nino and Adrien, who trailed a few feet back.

"You wish Alya." she threw back, glancing at the boys, who were preoccupied with their own conversation. "No... I've just been thinking lately..."

"About _him_ right? Come to think of it, you haven't told me much about what happened. You know I'm dying to know the details!"

"There's not much to tell, even if I _felt_ like sharing." she teased. "We sort of... fell into place. That's the only way I can describe it."

"So cliché." Alya rolled her eyes. "Nino and I needed to iron out a few differences before things got more serious between us. Then again we met young, and hey, we're still together so that must count for _something."_

Marinette nodded. "Speaking of Nino, was it strange to you that he needed Adrien to join him in the bathroom last week? Does he have something I should be aware of so that, I don't know, I prepare the right _food?_ Is it really bad?"

Alya laughed. "Oh no! Although I will admit his stomach does _not_ agree with nachos, just throwing that out there, that wasn't the issue."

"Then what...?"

"I think you're going to need to hear it from Nino. He's been pretty secretive about it since I've asked him the same question many times before. I've pretty much had to accept that no matter what, even if we're on a date— he will drop everything to take a call from your boy."

Alya moved in closer, then whispered. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were secretly together." After she straightened back up, continuing, "But they would never do that to us, you know? So I wouldn't worry about it. They've been friends for as long as you and me. And Adrien seems to depend a lot on him, so I'm really proud that Nino takes care of him. At least, until now." She winked at Marinette.

Marinette blushed, mumbling a half-hearted response.

The rest of their amusement park date went by joyfully. Marinette put the conversation she had with Alya in the back of her mind, instead wanting to focus on Adrien. He must have asked to go on every single ride at least once, and by the evening she, along with Alya and Nino, were all thoroughly exhausted.

With the sun setting, they decided to take a walk near the pavilion on the lakeside. Finding a bench, the three dropped down gracelessly, legs burning from walking so far, while Adrien leaned against the railing over the water's edge, a few yards away.

The way he stood there, alone, sent an inexplicable chill down her spine. He looked so peaceful, and yet... she simply couldn't place why, but she felt ill at ease that only one thin guardrail was what separated him from a ten foot drop into the freezing cold water below.

"Marinette, dude, you look like you're going to jump out of that seat any minute now. What gives?" Nino asked.

Marinette jumped, startled, then looked at Alya and Nino. Had she been expecting something to happen?

"Nino's right. You seem on edge right now. Or are you just tired? It _has_ been a long day." Alya commented.

"Does anything seem, off to you?" she asked them, nodding her head towards Adrien's figure. "I know it sounds strange, but..." Marinette wasn't sure what she was getting at. She thought back to the last couple of months. Adrien acknowledged he'd been acting strangely. He even wrote her a personal note to explain himself.

A note she hadn't _read_ yet.

She should be patient. She's been waiting a week since he initially promised he'd say what's been on his mind. Surely she could wait another hour or two?

But then she reflected on Alya's words from earlier. That Nino may have some insights that she was lacking.

Perhaps she wouldn't get a revelation, but maybe she could have a better idea of how to help him if she asked.

Stealing her nerve, she decided to go for it.

"I don't want him to jump."

At this, Alya recoiled, " _Jump?_ Did I hear you right? Girl, I know you've been pining over him for a long time, but you need—"

"My bro? Nope." Nino interjected, crossing his arms, clearly sure of himself.

"What?! Nino!" Alya pleaded, utterly confused.

"How would you even know?" Marinette asked. Suddenly her interest was piqued, and she momentarily forgot Alya's presence.

"He's not dippin', and even if he was... he wouldn't go that far." he added, more subdued this time.

The three of them turned, all deciding to confirm that he was in fact still there. Nothing suddenly possessed him to leap across the railing over the last five minutes.

Thinking about it that way, she sounded paranoid. After all, he was only standing there. Standing in that... _handsome model_ pose of his, the one he fell into naturally, with legs slightly crossed, forearms delicately leading against the rail. The soft breeze from the lake swept his blonde hair back against pale skin. Everything about him looked so perfect.

So perfect. No reason to...

Marinette swallowed. "I can't really offer an explanation. Lately I've just been— I don't know— worried...? It's ridiculous. But still—"

"You're worried over nothing." Nino interjected. "Like I said, he's not in a _dip_. So he's fine."

The girls looked over at him, puzzled. "What's a _dip?"_

"Oh, that's just a name I made up to explain what he goes through. Though Adrien hates the name!" he laughed.

"I can hear you, you know!" Adrien called, glancing back at them. He was attempting to look serious, but the sparkle in his eyes gave him away.

He knew they were talking about him, but he was going to let it slide.

However, that was their cue that he didn't want others to pick up on their conversation. Nino continued more softly, bringing his face closer to his friends'.

"I don't think Adrien will mind if I fill you two in a little. You're some of his closest friends, and honestly, _he should_ have said something a long time ago; he needs all the support he can get. Not to mention you both deserve to know just as much as I do... especially you Marinette."

Marinette smiled timidly at the implication. "We've become closer, yes... but I know there's things he hasn't told me." For now she could leave out the part that he _was_ telling her, because she didn't yet know what he had to say. Another glance in Adrien's direction showed him still staring out at the water, as if he was purposely staying out of the conversation.

Were there things that he simply couldn't say himself? And this was his way of telling her?

It was hard to know for sure.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Alya's voice. "What's a dip?" she asked.

"A dip... how do I explain this." Nino brought a finger to his chin, tapping it as if debating how to answer why the sky was blue to a six year old.

"A dip is when Adrien starts getting those... you know, _those_ thoughts. More than usual at least. They are kind of always there, you know? You must know, given you were worried about him just now."

Marinette forced a half-smile and nod, even though in reality she was afraid of what Nino was talking about.

"Nino, I'm not following you at all." Alya interrupted.

"Oh, haha...uh, sorry!" he chuckled lightheartedly. "Anyway, the point is, he's not necessarily _sad_. I mean, he _can_ be, but that's more just coincidence, you follow me?"

"No, you need to stop beating around the bush and just say what you want to say."

Nino sighed, signaling her to give him her ear. He then whispered something that Marinette couldn't hear. Alya's eyes widened and she looked at Adrien, then back at Nino almost accusingly. "That's not true. Everyone has ups and downs. It's called life, Nino."

"It is true, Alya. I'm sorry I'm telling you now, like this. I should have explained after the party..."

"Yeah you should have! He's my friend too, and if he needs help—"

"And you've always been there for him, babe. Trust me. He depends on you."

Marinette could see Alya blink back watery eyes, maybe this hadn't been a great time to broach the topic.

They then heard footsteps approaching.

"Hey Alya, would you like to get some ice cream with me and let Nino and Marinette rest for a little bit? They both look pretty worn out, so we can bring some back for them. What do you say?"

Alya agreed, picking up on the seriousness what was going on, and accompanied him to their new destination.

Marinette was grateful she had Alya as a friend. It was hard to know when to step back. She thought back to the first time she gave her the fox miraculous. It was difficult then too.

But sometimes the best way to help is to let go and recognize we can only do so much.

Kissing Adrien goodbye, Marinette then turned her full attention to Nino, who was adjusting his cap on his head.

"So, my bad for not telling Alya sooner, but Adrien really didn't want anyone to know! I figured since you two got together, and he was here with us..." Nino hunched in his seat. "I thought he was cool with it now!"

Marinette rubbed his back soothingly. "I don't think Adrien is mad."

They sat like that for a moment, as Marinette hoped Nino might continue on his own. When he didn't, she pressed a little.

"Adrien told me, right before this date, that I should come to you if it's about him. I think he'd be alright with this."

"He told you that, eh?" Nino straightened himself out. "Well.. what did you want to know?"

"Why do you call it a, what's the word you use?"

"A dip." Nino chuckled again.

"Right."

"So, I call it that because it describes what he does! Look, you know he's... depressed or _whatever_. I don't really like saying it like that, it sounds so clinical. And he really, _really_ doesn't like hearing me refer to it like that, so I came up with another name. So far he's tolerated it, which is a win if you ask me." Nino pointed his thumb to his chest proudly.

Marinette listened with earnest.

Nino continued. "So to understand it, start by imagining yourself being thrown into the ocean. You'd struggle for a while, try to find something to grab hold of, maybe hop on a boat if you saw one." Marinette nodded along, waiting to see where he was going with this.

"But Adrien, well... he never found anything to grab hold of. But instead of letting the water take him, he learned how to float."

"Why doesn't he have anything to grab hold of now?" she asked hesitantly.

"Well... this is my opinion but, I think he's been in the water for so long, he is afraid to leave it. In any case, he's just stuck there, and he's not trying to get out."

Marinette was following now, and added. "It feels as if he's toeing a line, so to speak. He's always teetering on the edge, but as long as his head's above water he's okay. He can act as if nothing is out of the ordinary."

Nino nodded, smiling. "You understand."

Bringing a hand up to her chin, Marinette let the analogy mull over in her mind. It _was_ difficult to pull yourself up out of the water. Try too hard to get out and you could find yourself too exhausted to even float anymore.

And down you'd go.

_Focus on the basics._ If he was floating, he was okay. It wasn't perfect, but it didn't have to be.

"Even if he's really good at floating, there's still times where he either loses balance, or a wave comes and knocks him under... and he _dips_. He might have one chance to call for help before he goes under, then it's up to either luck or someone to pull him out, or hope that the current subsides enough before he's under too long."

As he said the words, even through the relative safety of analogy, Nino still had a very pained look on his face.

"He's been leaning on me for a long time. He calls me— well, I've pretty much threatened him into it. We agreed that I wouldn't tell you two he was struggling and in return he would call me whenever he dips."

"You do worry about him." she said.

"Of course. Everyday. How can I not? So... back to your original comment. No, he wasn't going to jump. But I understand why you'd question that. It's something that's on my mind as well. He's never come out directly and told me, but I wonder where his mind goes sometimes. I can only hope he never would go as far as to consider leaving us... leaving all he has behind. But I don't rule it out– he's had some pretty low lows."

"You said he doesn't have to be sad to be—"

"He's _always_ floating, whether he's happy, sad, angry... you name it. He's always a bump away from dipping."

"And... that's enough deep talk for today. We're here to have fun together." A hand appeared on Marinette's shoulder as Adrien's breath tickled her ear.

The four sat and kept talk light while they enjoyed their ice cream. Alya seemed to have recovered from what Nino told her, that must have been the first time she had considered Adrien was depressed... and apparently had been for a while.

Could this have been going on for years? And _no one_ noticed?

Marinette thought back to their time spent together. She cherished each moment she had with Adrien, as they were usually so difficult to obtain. Even now, after making a special effort, they only had their morning walks, and before that it was either the phone or running into each other by chance. His father always kept him at a distance from others.

His father probably knew more than her and Nino about how low Adrien got, and just wanted to protect him. Overbearing as he might be, maybe she could understand a little better now his fears.

Marinette looked at Adrien, who was listening to something Alya was talking about that happened the other day. Marinette had already heard the story, and was only partially following along.

Even if his expression was controlled, Adrien's eyes gave away quite a lot. It was ironic that he chose to hide them when he transformed into Chat Noir, when everything else about his alter-ego was about acting more freely and wild. He chose to conceal the most expressive part of himself away, to be replaced with those bright green catlike irises.

She hadn't noticed anything wrong with Chat Noir over the years either, although to her credit she was more focused on saving Paris during those times. But there were moments where, now in hindsight, he may have been feeling hurt more than he let on.

Well, at any rate, now she knew her fears weren't just paranoia. Depression was rough, but they'd weather it together.

So why was there still a nagging feeling?

As they made to leave the park, Marinette gripped Adrien's hand a little tighter than before.

The sun was almost set in the sky, marking the end of their double date. Adrien and Marinette bid their friends goodbye about halfway between their respective homes. Now they were finally alone.

Adrien didn't want the night to end. After leaving her to talk with Nino for that short time, he was worried about what she might say to him. But she hadn't brought it up. Perhaps their talk would help ease her into what his letter had to say?

But those were worries for later. There was still some time left. And she was still holding his hand. So long as that was the case, he wasn't going anywhere.

"Would you like to take a walk?" Marinette asked him. Adrien normally would have liked to joke that they've been walking all day, but this time all he said was "Yes."

She led them towards a nearby playground. It was a scenic spot– trees and shrubs partially enclosing the area. No one else was there right then, so it was perfect.

Reaching into her pocket for her phone, she said, "You know, I looked for that song you were singing the other day."

"Which day? There are many days that I sing." he said playfully.

"Really?"

"I told you one of these times I'd meow you a serenade." He's promised that serenade so many times throughout the years. She shouldn't have been surprised to hear he enjoyed singing in general.

"I'll play it, and maybe you'll remember." She pressed the screen to begin the song, and a soft piano opening came on.

"You might not recognize the song actually, it's only the instrumental—"

_I'm seeing red, so in love with you_

Adrien sang the lyrics softly to himself, and Marinette quieted so as to hear. As he sang, she took his hands and positioned them on her waist, then placed hers around his neck, drawing him closer.

They swayed together, following the movement of the piano, following the sound of Adrien's voice. He closed his eyes, leaning into her touch, cheek resting delicately against the top of her head.

The air was cool against his face, but her body kept him warm. He followed her lead as they fell into a slow dance, and neither stopped when the song finished and the next piano solo began.

"I'm so happy I found you again, partner." Marinette murmured, and he pressed her closer. "Adrien?"

"Hm?"

"You alright?"

"Yeah..." he began, "I just don't have anything to say. I don't want to talk. I am simply enjoying this."

She nodded against his chest, and breathed him in.

They danced until her playlist ended, and the sun had completely set. With no more time left, Adrien had no choice but to return her home, to her apartment.

"Would you like to come inside?" she asked when they arrived at the building entrance. Adrien shook his head. "No, I'll leave you some space to read my letter. It was a little... erm... _challenging_ to write, so I probably won't do a great job if you have lots of questions."

Marinette held his hand as he started to walk away, and he gave a small laugh. "I'll need that back. So... bye." She knew he didn't want to leave as he waved and turned away.

"I'll see you, in the morning right?" she asked.

"Sure, just uh— just give me a call if I should come over to pick you up." he replied.

Marinette tilted her head. She never had to call him to stop by in the morning. But alright.

The tread up to her apartment felt heavy as tiredness from the day set in. Finally she made it up and opened the front door. It didn't feel the same. It felt... colder than it had before. She kept her coat on.

She kept walking, past the kitchen, past the table with only cookie crumbs left on the plate, down the small hallway and back to her room. Their room. It _should_ be their room.

Marinette's stomach sank, though she couldn't figure out why. She laid down on her unmade bed and stared at the ceiling, sighing.

Tikki flew over to the letter. "Why don't you read this now, Marinette?" she suggested, picking it up and delivering it to her. Marinette took the envelope, running her fingers over her name written with great care on the front. Adrien did have such beautiful penmanship. She turned it around and opened the unsealed flap, pulling out the letter. The same neat handwriting was present on the stationery he chose. He actually took the time to write it instead of typing, and she could tell it was the only copy since there were a couple of smudges and cross-outs, not to mention it looked like he may have spilled a little of something towards the bottom.

"Well Tikki, let's find out what he wanted to tell me."

My dearest Marinette,

This has been a long time coming. You've been putting up with me for quite some time now, haven't you? And I don't just mean the last couple of months.

For everything you've done for me... thanks.

I know my thanks is not enough, you deserve so much more, but it's all I've got right now for you. I'm sorry.

It's hard to put words to paper, you know? I've been staring at this page for 15 minutes now, and all I've got added is this sentence.

It's hard to keep it together.

So, where do I begin? I guess you'd think this all started on that night, when I... well... can you believe it's hard to even write the words?

~~The night I tried to~~

The night you lost me. I'm sorry, but I lied to you. I lied about how it happened. I'm sorry you have to find out now, and believe me I understand if you'd rather not speak to me after reading what actually happened.

The truth is that I wasn't trying to be a hero. I wasn't being brave or sacrificial. I just, really _really_ wanted to disappear. In that moment, I hated myself. I wanted to be dead. And I misused my miraculous for furthering that goal.

It wasn't because of any akumas or Papillon or magic. It was really just, well me. It was me the whole time.

You know what I'm trying to say right? No?

God, I suck at letter writing too I suppose. I can't even hold back my tears right now. Isn't that funny? I'm being pretty ridiculous. It's not like this pencil is going to hurt me. It's not like you're going to hurt me.

Or maybe... that is what I'm afraid of, now that I'm writing it down. Not that you'd hurt me physically, oh no. If anything, you've done the opposite. But, I do get afraid sometimes. That you hate me. Or you will hate me when you finally figure out how fucked up my head is.

The thing is, I know, intellectually speaking, my head _is_ fucked up— I mean, it _has_ to be because I think about what it would be like to ~~kill myself~~ die everyday. Really... everyday. That's not normal.

But, despite knowing that, I don't really _believe_ it is.

This all began way before any akumas or miraculous. I've considered ~~suicide~~ my mortality so many times before. I'm used to it, and I don't even remember a time when these funny thoughts weren't there, floating around.

It might not be objectively normal, but it's normal for me. It's become a part of who I am. It is _so_ normal to me that I didn't even acknowledge anything might be wrong until that day.

And... as much as it can be a real, well, _inconvenience_ at times, these last two or so months are evidence of that, it can also be a comforting cloud of thought in my mind.

I don't really expect you to understand that. You probably are thinking, _Oh Adrien, how could the thought of death be a comfort?_ _You are just so silly!_

From my perspective, I wonder exactly why nobody else thinks it is.

Though, to be fair, there certainly are times where I wonder _why_ I am okay with dying, even if in that moment I'm really excited about how I'm living. It's a ~~pleasant~~ funny spot to be in. It's almost surreal feeling.

Those times, after the sudden confusion goes away, I think I truly feel at peace. I'm so happy, that if I dropped dead because of some random chance, I wouldn't even fight it. It's a feeling of full acceptance. Can non-suicidal people say that they've ever had such a, dare I say, _positive_ feeling?

Here's something else too... there are times where my life is really hard. I feel like I just can't get anything right. My funny thoughts come to comfort me those days. If it's too much, I could, theoretically at least, just exit stage left. ~~It's really all theory though. Trying to kill yourself is harder than it looks.~~ In an ironic way, that comfort probably keeps me going another day.

It's for those reasons, among others, that I'm not interested in fixing myself. I'm at peace with how I am, and I've accepted the fact that might mean I die by my own hand... one day.

I don't want to hurt you, but I also don't want to be someone else. Someone muted. As much as I hate to say it, I missed those thoughts when I was forced on medication as a child. I didn't feel like me anymore. I felt like I was suddenly living life as _someone else_ , and what's more horrifying? Death? Or being trapped in a body not your own?

I don't want you to feel responsible for my life. That's not fair to either of us. Please, _please_ try not to feel that way.

All I want, that is, if you want it too, is to be friends. More than friends even if you'll still have me. I love and cherish every day I spend with you. I can't guarantee there won't be bad days, and I'm not going to hold you to any kind of commitment.

Except, maybe, just one? Be honest with me. Tell me if it gets too hard. Just tell me you're letting me go, and I'll go. No questions asked. But I need you to say it blunt. _A—, I need to let you go._

I'll end my letter there.

You're amazing, Marinette. Never forget that.

_\- A_

As she finished reading the last sentences, Marinette thought back to the day that started this whole thing, and she realised that she never actually saw Adrien become akumatised.

She told herself he used cataclysm because of Papillon's influence. Either as a last ditch effort to fight, or because Papillon had polluted his mind.

Here he was telling her neither of those were true. Nino was only half right about his friend. Adrien wasn't just depressed.

Adrien was suicidal.

He's always been suicidal.

He might be thinking about it _right now._

Walking back home. Alone. Without any comfort but his own funny thoughts. He didn't think she'd want to see him tomorrow. Would he even make it to tomorrow?

The letter fluttered to the floor as Marinette ran out of her apartment. She ignored the way her legs protested each movement and the way her feet were freezing already from only being in her socks.

All she could think about was Adrien.

He already had suicidal thoughts.

He _acted_ on them.

And she pulled him back. Each time she _pulled him back._

The car. Twice.

The umbrella? even though it was a silly thing, her fear was real.

She also helped him after his panic attack.

The kitchen, he wasn't allowed to cook, even cut vegetables... _what did he try to do before?_

How many times has he _dipped?_

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she ran. How might she find him? Did he make it home?

_No._ She was not going to find him like that.

She gave him reason to keep going, keep trying. And she pulled him back each time he started to slip away.

No _wonder_ he didn't want her to know. What a huge burden that would be.

But she was okay with it.

She'd be his anchor. She'd do it willingly, eagerly! She had her mother, her father, Alya, Nino, and Tikki to support her.

She'd be the anchor, and they'd be the lifeline.

And hopefully it would be enough.

Even though Adrien didn't have a raft! Even though he learned to float! They'd attach themselves to him because they had a _ship_.

They couldn't pull him out of the water, but they would keep him afloat.

It was dark. Only the streetlights illuminated her way. But eventually she caught up to him. He seemed in no particular hurry to get back it seemed. That was alright. He was upright. He was walking. Breathing.

Living.

"Adrien, wait!"

He stopped his stride, turning at the sound of her voice. "Marinette? What's wrong—"

"Shh! I've got something to say, and this time you're not wiggling away from hearing it!"

Marinette ran directly up to him, standing only inches away. She was breathing heavily, having ran the entire way to catch up to him. Adrien didn't know what he should do.

"Marinette I don't understand—"

"I did love you!!"

What?

Adrien shifted his feet, completely facing her, hands at his sides. What did she mean– _did_ love him?

"All these years, loving you, rejecting you, needing you, supporting you. It was _always_ about you!"

Adrien opened his mouth to speak, but two fingers on his lips silenced him. "Nope! Don't even try."

She was right, he should listen. This whole time he's been stopping her. Cutting her off. So he wouldn't have to face the words she _might_ say.

But that also meant he couldn't hear the ones she _did_ say.

Marinette's eyes met his, her fingers still in place against his lips. He resisted the urge to kiss them. "We chased each other in circles, and neither of us ever could reach the other. But... we were in love all the same."

She paused and removed her hand, half expecting him to interject. But this time he won't. He wouldn't.

Instead, he extended his arms. A silent invitation.

Marinette accepted, burying her cheek into his chest, arms wrapped around his torso. She breathed him in, and then continued.

"I didn't know it, and neither did you, but we've been dancing together the whole time. All these years. Sure, it didn't have a label. We weren't a couple. But we were together. We were more than a name."

_We were soulmates._ Marinette pulled him closer and Adrien did the same.

"We were like planets, like stars. We circled each other, never able to get close enough, that is, until one of us got knocked off course. Suddenly the path I'm on is different. I don't understand why, but when you were gone... I _felt_ it."

Adrien rested his chin on the top of her head. "I'm not sure what you mean. You..." he paused. "you felt it? Felt _what?"_

"Your letter— you said it wasn't anything to do with the akuma. I think... I've known that already, for a while now in fact. I just couldn't admit it to myself, not until you spelled it out for me in your letter. But I've known since the beginning. When you initially... _you died_...I felt that. I felt you _leave_. And, in that moment... I..." Marinette's breath hitched and Adrien held her a little bit tighter.

"Just... just take your time." Now he was choking on his words too. "I'm right here. I'm not leaving."

They both stood there. Marinette's feet were screaming at her to find someplace warm. But she couldn't hear anything over Adrien's frantic heartbeat.

"In that moment," she all but yelled, forcing the words out. "Right then, all I could focus on was where the _hell_ did you go...! and I needed to bring you back _right now!"_

"It was as if your mind became consumed with that one goal. Not completing it was not an option." Adrien added.

"Yes!" she gasped. "How did you know?"

"I—" he swallowed. It was now or never. "I understand what you felt... because, I felt the same when I... when I died."

Marinette pulled back from his chest, and Adrien's heart broke seeing the tears that ran down her face. "How could you have felt the same?" she questioned.

"I ran into Master Fu last week. It was the time I was supposed to be getting frosting actually. Among... other things, he told me that I unlocked Plagg's power to ensure I could, well– do what I needed to do."

"Suicide." She barely whispered, as fresh tears made their silent appearance.

"Yes." he replied, equally as quiet. "He also said that _you_ brought me back, and were able to do it because you matched my will with your own. That could only mean—"

"That I unlocked Tikki's powers of creation. Not just saving you, but actually bringing your soul back from the other side." Marinette was shaking now, unsure if she was glad she tapped into these powers when she did, or horrified at the sheer force both of them held in their hands.

Adrien killed himself. His heart stopped. He was _gone_. But she wouldn't let him leave completely. Despite having only one earring powering her, she forced herself across the divide and _dragged him back._

It was all too much.

The next few minutes passed in silence, broken only by the occasional gasp or hiccup from Marinette. For once, Adrien was glad he could offer her emotional support, though he also wished it hadn't had to come to this in the first place.

Eventually, she spoke up again. "That's why I had to keep searching. That's why I kept your ring. Did you know I gave Master Fu a fake one just to buy myself more time?" A wet laugh escaped. "Somehow after I used my miraculous, I _knew_ you were alive. I felt our paths circling each others' once again. So I knew that if I could just keep going, keep _living_ , I'd find you again."

"Marinette—"

"I should have told you before! I'm so sorry... I should have brought it up immediately after we were reunited. But I was _scared_. Suddenly, I realized how _deep_ my love for you went. I didn't want you to feel obligated to be with me because I saved your life. And I didn't want you to resent me either..."

"I could never..."

"You were trying to die! And I was pulling you back— _forcing_ you back. It was _against your will._ What does that say about me? So selfish that I'd keep you alive even if you were suffering so much you didn't— that you didn't..."

Marinette couldn't go on with that train of thought any longer. She buried her face into his jacket, not wanting him to see her like this.

"I felt like it was me who was the burden." He said sadly. "How selfish was I for wanting a relationship... when everyday you'd be stuck wondering, is this the last time I see him? Every Time I leave you, you'd have to ask yourself... will he come back?"

She couldn't argue that; it was the whole reason she ran after him. And the reason her toes were icicles right now.

Marinette's words were wet and muffled, but she got them out despite that. "I'll pull you back every time. I won't _let_ you fall."

"You'll eventually get tired of it." he countered.

"Not before you get tired of me."

"It's okay to let me go." she knew what that meant.

"I'll never let you go."

"Really."

He was pressing. He _wanted_ her to say it.

He wanted permission.

She wouldn't give it.

"You are coming home, right now." There was nothing up for debate in her voice. "You'll feel better in the morning."

At this, Adrien dropped to the ground, his arms leaving her embrace. He broke into tears.

"I'm so sorry!"

"Adrien it's okay!" she pleaded. "You're wonderful and _I love you!_ I've always loved you! And I'm selfishly going to keep you here! You're not allowed to leave!"

He laughed a broken laugh. "You know I won't make it easy! I'll make terrible puns each and every day!"

"Go ahead!"

"It will be cat-astrophic!"

"Do your worst!"

"You're just trying to lift my spirit!"

"And I always will!"

"I loved dancing with you!"

"That's not even a pun!"

"It's not! But I love you!" He struggled to speak the words. It was too difficult to accept what was happening. Marinette came back. She came running back. She wasted no time. She was certain of what she wanted.

She held him as they both cried. "We need to get out of the cold."

"You're not wearing shoes..." he finally noticed.

"Who cares about shoes?"

"You came back... you brought me back. Oh Marinette I was so _dumb_...! I'm sorry!"

"How are we going to get back?" Marinette asked out loud.

"I'll text us a ride." Adrien offered. "Your feet must be so cold. Here." He put her feet between his legs as they sat on the ground. "I'm not trying to be weird I swear. It's either this or I give you my coat."

Marinette gave a choked laugh, and smiled despite her tears. "You're _such_ a dork."

After a few minutes, the Gorilla picked them up and dropped them both off at Marinette's apartment. Natalie attempted to have Adrien reconsider staying another night away from home, but he declined, making up an excuse that he needed to work on something for their shared class. Surely his father wasn't believing all this, but he wasn't sure this was even all reaching his father... sometimes it felt that the decision making really came from Nathalie. At any rate, the excuse worked and he was granted stay without debate.

He didn't want to do anything else that night. All he wanted was her. He felt like none of this was real, and he needed to sleep to at least verify that it in fact wasn't all a dream when he woke up next to her.

He embraced her so tightly that next morning.

Marinette, of course, continued to snore lightly, given the previous day's exhaustions and her natural tendency to sleep in.

She wouldn't wake up for a while still.

That left him some time to sit with what exactly landed him here.

None of this turned out like he expected.

What a whirlwind of a day he had yesterday. His head was spinning just thinking about it.

Let's see...

That morning, he finally put words to paper and expressed what happened on that day... the day that started it all.

He thought about what he'd say all week, yet once he sat down to actually do it, his mind just couldn't form the words. It felt like it took forever, and a couple times he considered crumpling the whole thing up and saying to hell with it.

But he wasn't sure how much more time Master Fu would give him. And as hard as it was to tell her the truth, who knew how it would have gone down had he not told his story himself.

She might have reacted differently. Master Fu might have hid details from her. Or not made the same connections. Or... anything.

He also wouldn't have gotten to hear her story.

He smiled cynically. Only fate could be so beautiful, and yet so cruel.

Here they were... a boy with a heart of destruction, and a girl with a heart of creation. It didn't seem fair. He held her back. Yet she couldn't help but want him.

He so desperately wanted to give her the world. To actually do something to be worthy of such affections.

But what could he offer her?

Suddenly, a yawn could be heard from across the room, followed by some shushing. "Plagg, they are still asleep! Leave them alone!" "But I'm hungry—!" A whining voice Adrien knew too well followed the first.

But, actually... maybe Plagg and Tikki had the right idea. He carefully disengaged himself from the covers, making his way to the kitchen. Two hungry kwamis followed in his suite.

Marinette woke to a delicious smell. Pancakes... _mm_ and she could tell these were the ones her father made from scratch. Her favorite. She was going to have so many once she got downstairs...

Wait, this wasn't her house. She had an apartment now. Did she invite—

"Adrien!" she yelped. He was here last night! Where... what...? Marinette groaned. Her head had not yet caught up with her body in waking up. Pulling back the blankets, she stood up on wobbly legs. _Ohh_ , yes she was very sore this morning.

At the sound of her yell, Tikki entered the bedroom, concern written all over her tiny face. "Marinette! Is everything alright?" she asked.

"Yes Tikki. Sorry... I just... do you smell pancakes?"

Tikki smiled excitedly. "Yes! _Adrien_ made them himself! He called your parents and they guided him over the phone— oh!" she covered her mouth. "I wasn't supposed to say that. He wanted it to be a surprise."

"Adrien made... breakfast?"

"Erm... yes?"

Marinette padded her way to the kitchen where the evidence could not be denied. Two plates were set at her table, Adrien placing the last pancake onto his plate, before looking up at the sound and smiling. His blonde hair fell halfway over his face, covering his eyes partially, but she could still see them signaling his joy.

She walked, slowly, towards him. He set the pan down, opening up his arms to embrace her as she closed the space separating them. Burying his nose in her hair, he said "Good morning, my lady."

"Good morning, my chaton." she responded.

"Are you surprised?"

"A little. Yeah." She almost thought last night had been a dream, so it was a bit of a surprise to wake up and see him there.

"Looks like I'm not a half bad chef at all. Maybe you're dad will take me under his wing." he joked. "I hope you like it."

"I love it. Thank you."

Thank you for coming back... for coming _home_.

They ate in relative silence, each lost in their own thoughts. About halfway through, Marinette decided to break it.

"Move in with me."

"You're serious?"

"This is your home, too."

"I still have my father's house. It has everything—"

"It _doesn't_ have everything you need."

"It _does_." Adrien set his fork down and stood.

He circled around the table and bent on one knee to be more at her height. Taking her hand in his, he softly kissed the back of it, eyes never leaving hers.

Finally, he said, "But... it doesn't have everything I want."

He grinned.

"I'd love to move in with you, Marinette."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is. Finally they are together and both open with each other.
> 
> If anyone has gone through these types of feelings themselves, I can't offer any words of wisdom, but I can say- I understand. And, you're not alone in how you feel.
> 
> On a happier note, while unpacking Adrien's belongings when he finally moves in:
> 
> He was certainly glad to have the company... that is until he gave Marinette the wrong box to unpack.  
> Add she found _it_.  
> His toy.  
>  _That toy._  
>  "Well... _fuck_." he muttered under his breath.  
> Marinette smiled and approached him. She whispered back into his ear, "Yeah... I think that's the idea."


	9. My fantasy, my reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marinette finds a little something- extra- while helping Adrien to move into their apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come on, someone must have known the toy from chapter 3 would return in some form, eh? :D
> 
> Enjoy, perverts.

It was finally moving in day for Adrien. The day he would get out of his father's mansion and trade it for the tiny apartment space shared with one Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

Although Adrien wanted to move in the day she asked, he unfortunately had to wait until the following weekend. Among reasons like school and his modeling jobs, the main one was that he needed to explain to his father why he suddenly was up and off with some young lady he's barely been seeing. As talented a designer as she may be, Adrien was obviously moving way too quickly into this romance.

He couldn't exactly explain that he'd been in love for years, and that it was only by some stroke of luck they discovered each other.

He couldn't exactly explain that she was _the one_ for him. That there would never be another lady in his life that was as wonderful as _his lady._

And he definitely couldn't explain that she was why he was still living. That every breath he took was for her, and was a gift _from_ her.

So it took some time to make his case, and Adrien wasn't convinced his father really had come around to the idea of him moving out.

By the end of that one week however, he'd had enough of trying to win him over. He missed his Marinette. He wanted to get out of his cold, emotionless room and instead be welcomed into the warmth of his lady's arms.

And Marinette seemed to have missed him just as much, given her excitement to help him move all of his belongings. His father hired a moving crew to transport boxes, but he still was required to pack and unpack what was his.

He was certainly glad to have the company... that is until he gave Marinette the wrong box to unpack.

Add she found _it._

His toy.

_That toy._

"Well... _fuck."_ he muttered under his breath.

Marinette smiled and approached him. She whispered back into his ear, "Yeah... I think that's the idea."

She looked so, _so_ smug.

"Have you used this on... yourself, before?" She asked him, turning red as thoughts he could only imagine swam through her mind. At least she wasn't _too_ confident in herself and this whole situation, despite how she attempted to be perceived.

Adrien raised his hand to half cover his mouth. "I used it once, well— _twice technically,_ but only really once."

She raised an eyebrow at his explanation.

Adrien gave a forced laugh to try to downplay his predicament. Diverting his gaze, he elaborated. "Once I actually, you know..." he made a crude gesture with his hands, "... and the other time I was nervous and it didn't really work."

That explanation seemed to suffice for her, and she kissed him on the cheek. "Would you like to try it together?"

"Er— sure? ... sure! I mean, yes!" he babbled, and his mind started running away from him, outside the zones of control. "You can put it inside me!!"

They both gasped and Adrien covered his mouth with both hands, his eyes the size of saucers. How he wished the floor would just swallow him up right about now.

Marinette pretended she wasn't amused by his blunt description that had only just followed the gesture. She nodded, and they made to unpack and sort the rest of his belongings.

 

Overall, their evening passed by uneventfully. There was no second housewarming party, as everyone kind of expected that the first was really to celebrate the both of them anyway, a detail Adrien didn't have the desire to counter. On the contrary, he was really glad that others assumed their couple status... it meant that he had made enough of an impression that others took notice and saw what they were. At least, that's how he felt about it.

This past week alone had really given him a chance to let everything that's happened sink in. They were together. An item. She wanted to stay with him despite his biggest fault. A part of him still struggled with feeling adequate enough for someone of her caliber, but he tried to tell himself that if he really believed she made good decisions, then picking him, it couldn't be _that_ terrible.

She always had his letter. She knew she always had the opportunity to leave.

She was choosing him. Freely.

He leaned against the wall of her bedroom as he waited for Marinette to change into her nightwear. Why was his heart beating so damn _fast?_

Clad in only his briefs, Adrien cursed his lack of foresight to buy something just a little bit sexier. It was their first night together— living together that was. He should have known that Marinette would want to make it special.

"Adrien?" he snapped away from his reverie upon hearing his given name. "How do I look?"

He didn't even need to see her to know. "You're always a beauty to behold my Ladybug."

Her hands went to her hips in mock outrage. "You didn't even _look_." she asserted. So his eyes traveled over her. "You take my breath away." He answered truthfully.

"You're just saying that." Marinette pouted. "It's still cliche. I just would have liked to know that what I spent all week sewing was worth the effort."

"You _made_ that?" Adrien took a closer look now. Of course. The black and red lace outfit she was wearing could only have been inspired by Ladybug. It hugged her figure up top, and draped over her body delicately up to her hips. The design left near nothing to the imagination.

"Well, in any case, I'm clearly _not_ just saying that." he teased, motioning to his own underwear. "You have quite the effect on me, you know."

"I can see." Marinette first walked towards the dresser, bending over to get to the bottom drawer as he stared at hers.

The underwear portion underneath was really more of a thong, it seemed. Adrien drew a staggered breath. He needed to watch himself or he might just pass out from rapid blood redistribution.

"What—" he cleared his throat. "What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for your... you know... your toy, so we can _play_ tonight. I want you to feel good."

Adrien's brain no longer was comprehending her words.

"... you've been stressed lately, you know ..."

He only had _your toy_ and _play tonight_ on repeat in his head.

"... have always been giving to me ..."

Marinette wanted to use his toy. His toy. _His toy._ Tonight. Right now. _Now._

"... never ask for what you want ..."

"Right now. She wanted to fuck him. She was _going_ to fuck him. With his toy. Right now."

He was not wearing sexy enough underwear.

Closing the distance between them, Marinette wrapped her arms around him. Adrien leaned into her embrace, his own arms encircling her waist as well.

In one of her hands, she was holding his toy.

They kissed, and Adrien touched her a little, made her feel good, as best as he could at least. It was challenging. His thoughts weren't straying from what she wanted to do to him. He was so aroused by the idea, yet so unsure at the same time.

A part of him wanted her to do it. To bring him to his knees. He wanted that.

He really, truly did.

 

The lights were dimmed. It was late, past sundown as they embraced. Adrien sat on her chaise, thinking it might be easier for them both if he was in a more upright position to try this.

Marinette went slow, she waited until he said he was ready, and her touch was gentle and sweet.

She did everything right.

Then why did it hurt?

 

The room was quiet. Adrien let out shallow breaths as he tried to get accustomed to the feeling. Marinette lay still on top of him, watching his expression intensely.

"Is this okay?" she whispered.

He nodded, but still didn't speak.

"Adrien, you need to breathe. Breathe for me."

His inhale was deep, but staggered. The hand gripping her arm continued to tremble.

"I'm taking this out." she told him.

"No! Why? I'm fine—" he protested as he attempted to move from the chaise. Marinette slowly pulled the toy back, eliciting a semi-pained groan from Adrien. "Mm—ah!"

"I don't want to see you in pain. That's not what I want." she cupped his cheek, brushing a few stray tears away. "I love you."

He nodded, eyes fluttering closed as he relaxed into her touch. Finally, he spoke. "I'm not sure what went wrong. I'm sorry. I've done this before but—"

"There's nothing to be sorry for."

"I didn't mean to ruin our night."

Marinette embraced him. "What part is ruined? I'm here, you're here. That sounds perfect if you ask me."

He scoffed, but his lips turned upwards all the same. "I don't deserve you."

"You probably are nervous. " She continued, ignoring his comment. "And I _might_ just have a solution for that."

Marinette kissed him chaste on the mouth, then got up and moved to her dresser... _their_ dresser, he reminded himself. As she rummaged through her belongings, she commented, not looking at him "You aren't the only one who likes to... _fool around."_

Adrien swallowed thickly, heat rising to his cheeks. "What—" he choked, "what's your plan?"

He watched as she slowly pulled something out of the drawer and hid it behind her back. When she returned she was sporting a blush of her own.

"Promise you won't laugh?"

"Never, my lady."

Bringing the object of interest around to her front, Adrien couldn't hold back the enormous grin that formed across his cheeks.

"You said you wouldn't laugh!"

"I'm not!"

"It's close enough. I see you holding back!"

"It's not that..." he shook his head amicably. "I'm... well, _relieved_ I guess is what you'd call it."

"That was part of the idea." she admitted. "Even after initially seeing yours... I was still unsure about showing you that I had one too... albeit slightly different."

"It's bigger than mine." he observed. "And pink."

"Well, maybe not bigger than _yours_..." Marinette said slyly, hopping onto his lap.

"What?! It's definitely bigger than... oh... _oh_. You meant my big —" he mouthed that final word, smile turning into that shit-eating grin she only ever saw when he donned the mask.

It was good to see his embarrassment was quickly dissipating. And now they had a few more... options available than they did a few moments ago.

"Well, who am I to deny you a chance to play as well?" Adrien said with certainty, picking Marinette up bridal style and carrying her over to the bed. He placed her down gently, then moved to lay beside her.

They soon found themselves gathered in each other's arms, Marinette's clothing, well what little of it she had, was tossed to the floor. Her legs were wrapped around his hips, enjoying the closeness they could now share. Call it destiny, call it whatever you want, but Adrien couldn't deny the wholeness he felt in her embrace. And to think... he was going to wake up with this woman _every day_. Beside her. She'd be the first person he'd see, and he'd be the first for her as well.

He couldn't ask for anything else in the world.

Adrien moved to pepper kisses down her neck, gently nipping every so often just to get a better taste of her. Focusing on his ministrations, he didn't initially notice her begin to slip the toy inside her slit, not until she moaned from the fullness.

His hands traveled to her breasts, molding them in his palms and giving light squeezes as she began sliding the toy in and out. Adrien noticed she was going slow at first, and so he decided to follow her lead– lazily trailing his mouth down one side until he reached where they both wanted him to be.

Half lying on top of her, he brought one arm around as his mouth found her nub and ever so gently sucked. She responded by sliding it in a bit harder, and he could hear her breath hitch.

He loved doing this, using his mouth to pleasure her. He loved how it involved all of his senses. Everything else would be pushed away to the background, because her body demanded of him his full attention. And _god_ did he want to give it.

Marinette's breathing steadied and quickened in time with her thrusts. From doing this once before– even if it wasn't _exactly_ the same– Adrien wondered if it might be easier if he took over a little.

He let his fingers walk down her belly and towards her core. He eventually touched the toy that was still inside her, noticing that she had stopped moving it, probably out of curiosity of his actions.

Adrien gave a cautionary rock of the item after gripping it, and she let go, hand dropping immediately once she recognized what he wanted to do.

"Should I start out slow?" he whispered. She responded with a nod and whimper. "Please."

He pushed inside of her, already excited about this turn of events. Knowing how good this could feel, knowing he could help her experience something even better than what she could do alone...

"Haah—" she gasped as he pressed into her.

He moaned in response, moving the toy out and in... gently, teasing, enjoying the small sounds his rhythm pulled from her.

Her eyes fluttered closed as her expression begged for more. She was so irresistible. He cupped her cheek, staring lovingly as her mouth remained open in that beautiful state of enjoyment, riding the waves of pleasure.

Adrien's thumb traveled to touch her lips, and she turned her head to meet him, taking the digit into her mouth and giving a small suck. His own breath quickened, as did the motion pumping into her.

Before he had the chance to think about it, his arm worked on autopilot and gave a couple rough thrusts, and her voice was so _deep_ in response.

"Harder, _oh—"_

_"Yes."_ he replied, voice husky from want.

Adrien backed off a little, giving her a chance to regain her senses, before again going in hard and fast. This time, in her gasps, he swore he caught a name.

"Mm... Chat..."

Chat Noir? Although he was delighted to hear his hero persona referred to by his lady, this time he was... curious.

Her eyes were still closed, lost in bliss as he again slowed. Soft, gentle, hitting her just right to keep her where he wanted. Leaning close to her cheek, he could hear her mumbling without thought. "Oh Chat Noir... yes— please..."

She _was_ calling out to Chat Noir! But, it sounded more... hrm... she sounded, and looked so...

so... unlike her usual self?

Her tone and demeanor was all off. Well, not _off_... just different than usual.

Suddenly, Adrien put the pieces together. He shifted his body slightly upwards, nibbling on her ear and sending shivers down Marinette's spine. "Princess?" he breathed into her. "It's late... you should be asleep, you know."

She stilled. He waited.

"Princess?"

Marinette peeked open her eyes, avoiding his gaze. That just wouldn't do. He cupped her cheek, moving her to face him. "Hey..." he said. "Talk to me."

"Well..." she looked nervous and a little... guilty? "I guess that slipped out."

"What, you calling me Chat Noir? That is my name too. I love hearing it." he was honest in his reassurance.

"Mm... not that." she chuckled. "Now I'm the one whose embarrassed."

"Oh, but _princess_ you have nothing to be embarrassed about... wanting to see your secret hero in the night." he whispered sultry. It seemed his hunch was correct. His love has been busy this week while he was away... busy fantasizing about him dropping by in costume, perhaps a secret, _forbidden_ romance? Put that way... _oh yes_ he could get on board with this.

The smirk present on Adrien's face was a clear indicator to Marinette that she shouldn't worry. Adrien would never make fun of her, in any case. But still...

She decided to test the waters. "I do enjoy these nightly visits we've been sharing, just you and me."

"You haven't told anyone, right?"

"Oh, never." Marinette was positively beaming now, so glad that not only did Adrien accept that she fantasized about him... he was willing to play along this time... indulge her.

"Good... oh! That reminds me... we haven't exactly finished what we started. "Shall we continue?"

"I don't know Chat Noir... you can't exactly just drop your mask. Then I'd see your identity... and we can't have that."

Adrien shook his head. "Oh no. We could never have that." He pressed his lips against hers. "But I have to please you somehow... perhaps, you'd be interested in some other tricks I have up my sleeve, or rather— behind me?" He brought the hand holding her toy behind his back. Sure, he'd just been using it. But now— _now_ it held extra significance.

"Um, well—"

"Oup oup oup" Channeling his other self, he placed a finger on Marinette's lips, silencing her. "I said I want to please my princess. And you're in luck, because I happen to have something that should do the job just... right."

"Oh..." she breathed. "Really? You know I like it when you take out the... well..."

_Baton_. He finished her sentence in his head. Oh Marinette, you have such _naughty_ fantasies.

"Oh I know how you like it." Adrien reinserted the toy, delighted in how wet she was. "And I especially know that you like it when I—" he started moving again, purposely, excitedly, and Marinette writhed beneath him.

Adrien was in awe. Here she was, panting, cheeks bright red, offering herself to be played with such that it gave him control in a very creative way. By allowing him to figuratively don the mask, Adrien felt much more willing to focus on his own pleasure, rather than solely on what she needed.

He shouldn't have expected anything less from his amazing Marinette.

He explored her skin hungrily now, planting kisses, licking and nibbling upon reaching her neck. He's done all of this before– and yet it felt _new_ somehow. This time he was Chat Noir and _Chat Noir alone_. There was no Adrien. And he was claiming her as _his_. He could only visit her under the cover of night, but no other man would have her during the day. She'd _want_ no other man, because he made her feel so good.

"Mm, Chat Noir... just like that... ah— ah—" Her moans were so breathless, as if her mind was telling her to be quiet but her body just needed to express what she was feeling.

He wanted to encourage more of her sounds. He craved that beautifully deep feminine voice that belonged to only her.

And, at least for tonight, he was feeling brave enough to ask for what he wanted.

"That's the spirit princess. I'm sorry I can't give you what you and I would both prefer... but I can certainly make this visit worth your while." With his free hand on her inner thigh, he pinned down one leg, spreading her a little wider, before speeding up his thrusts.

" _Ah!_ What are you doing? Chat— _mmpf!"_ She was unable to regain enough composure to speak, but her face told him all he needed to know.

"What am I doing? Giving you exactly—" _ah!_ "what you—" _mmphf!_ "want!" He slammed the toy with all his strength, then continued without letting up, eliciting a long, _loud_ , moan from beneath him.

So _this_ is what got her excited. Any feelings of self-consciousness still lingering were promptly thrown away at this point, he was so caught up in the play... the act... the fantasy.

All this began when he came in through her apartment window, unannounced, as usual. After saving her from an akuma one night, they shared a passionate thank you, and since then their midnight rendezvous continued... neither able to tear themselves away. Neither able to say no! You're a superhero and I'm only a girl... a woman. But alas! The hero was lovestruck, and nothing and no one would keep him from seeing her again.

His princess was so in need. She needed touch... _his touch. My touch._ She needed someone strong. Someone who could woo her. Someone who could please her. Someone who would fuck her like she wanted to be.

Someone who wouldn't let her go.

Someone jealous, possessive.

"Oh!" Marinette gasped, tears streaming down her cheeks, in utter ecstasy. "It's too much!"

"You said you wanted the baton extended? Certainly, but only a little." He continued strongly, allowing her imagination to run... trusting that she'd let him know when to stop.

She couldn't help but squirm beneath him. Her arms lay bent at the elbows, hands near her face... her face which jerked from side to side, not knowing which way to go. Only able to focus on what he was doing to her. This felt so... so _intense_. She's never been able to be so rough when she was flying solo, but with a partner who would take care of her...

" _Haah_ — oh god Chat Noir—" Adrien covered her mouth with his palm as he kept pumping into her. "No, we can't have anyone find us! My identity!" he whispered urgently. She nodded.

Hand still covering her mouth, he left no choice open in his next words. "Princess, I need you tonight. Close your eyes." she obeyed. "De-transformation."

Removing the toy and his hand, he immediately entered her, breathing erratically at the sensation. She was so _tight_. _Ohh_.

"Chat Noir, _you can't_." she pleaded, yet kept her eyes shut. "I'm not on the pill." That was a lie and he knew it, but it was all in the play. "You're either making kittens tonight, _or_ —"

"I'd love kittens with you princess." That part _was_ true, but she didn't need to know. "You feel too good to pull out. I need you." he begged back.

Her hands grasped his hips and she made to pull out. He gave a mock attempt to stay, and they both groaned as their bodies rocked against each other. For a moment Marinette nearly broke character, as he saw her begin to giggle. She enjoyed roughhousing with him. She pushed him away finally, turning onto her belly. "It's too hard to resist you Chat Noir. But we need to stop this."

"But princess." he begged, hands lifting her hips until she was now on her hands and knees. "I can't leave now... not after getting to know you, _everywhere_." He slid his length back into her from behind. "I need you. And I can tell you need me too. I'll be your secret— no one needs to know."

And that had some truth to it. No one knew they were heroes. The rest was just play, but Adrien meant everything he said. He needed her. He wanted to share his life with her. One day, he hoped they'd have children of their own. Regardless of the fantasy, he _meant_ those words.

"Ha... ah—mm!" Oh how she made _so many_ little sounds! What happened to his quiet, breathy Marinette? The one who enjoyed having control, the one who told him what she wanted? This was an entirely new side. A... dare he admit– _submissive_ side?

And the longer he thought on it, the more in love he was... but isn't that how it always went? The more he learned about Marinette, the more amazing she became. Every time.

"You're so good princess. Look at you, beautiful, _tight_ — _ahh"_ His voice cracked. "You keep me coming back every time."

Oh he was so _deep_ in this position. His hands pulled her closer, pulling her hips against him, against his cock as he entered her again and again. And she was rising up to meet him, despite the little protests, it was all part of their play. She wanted this just as much.

What a side she'd opened up to him. She knew he felt self-conscience. She knew he was worried about what she'd think of him. That she'd find him weird, as silly as that was given all they've been through at this point. She could have offered him reassurance, but she did one better– she made herself vulnerable. She put him in charge.

"Thank you Marinette." he said, breaking character.

"Always, my chaton."

He lowered his hands to the sheets, elongated on top of her, and increased his pace. Marinette's breath hitched and she grew quieter again. His body was pressed against hers, skin against skin, the friction of his dick against her walls as he moved in and out. She knew he was close, he was so hard inside her.

"You're not giving me kittens this night Chat Noir. I want to keep you to myself for a long time still."

"Oh you know you want them though." he purred into her ear. "Why don't you tell me their names I know you already picked out."

"You sure are certain of yourself." Marinette chided.

He responded with a deep thrust of his hips, causing her to moan in pleasure. "Oh I _am_. But— maybe if you ask nicely I'll finish outside of you... leave the kittens for another day." Adrien massaged her rear lovingly. "You just say the word."

He needed to know what she wanted. How far she wanted to go into new territory. Sometimes he could figure her out, or try and back off if it was too much... but other times it was simply best to ask.

The answer he got surprised, yet delighted him. "Pull out when you cum Chaton. No kittens."

"Yes ma'am."

She gripped the bed sheets as they rocked in sync with each other. Adrien was so close, and she was so wet. He watched as his length disappeared over and over inside her– it was unbelievably arousing to have sex this way. She wasn't watching him, which was impersonal yes, but it only served as another way in which he could feel more comfortable focusing on himself. His hands pressed on her lower back, further pinning her body beneath him. At his mercy, though she knew he'd give her nothing but the best.

"Princess, I'm gonna..." he wanted to tell her, but she was lost in her own little world with all her little sounds of blissful torture, not listening to him at all.

After so much play, Adrien came hard, and quickly pulled out. His eyes shut as he rode out his orgasm from above her. Marinette felt his warmth against her rear and lower back where his hands still were, and she was glad he wasn't shy about getting himself a little messy tonight.

But she still wanted to have a little more fun.. and though her boy was most likely getting pretty tired out, she was sure he'd enjoy her continuing.

"Chat Noir you made a mess of my sheets... and me! You're so... so..." she turned around on her back, not concerned anymore about his "identity". They were past that now. "You're so _irresistible_." Marinette's hand wasted no time as she touched herself in front of him, looking up at him, cum still on his cock, cum all over one hand. He was _literally_ a hot mess, completely unlike the well to do boy he always presented as. _This_ was Adrien at his most vulnerable. _This_ was her Adrien finally who wasn't afraid to have his own way.

She reached out to him, drawing him closer, and took his hand. Leading his digits to her mouth, she gently sucked and licked him, like before, loving the shocked look on his face once he realized what was happening.

_"Ohh—"_ Adrien's breath hitched suddenly, and she heard him jerk himself. " _good_ god _princess— haah!"_ He came a second time, and she looked down in time to see a new wave spill onto the hand he was using.

With a choked whine, he collapsed onto the bed next to her, utterly spent. He didn't even care this time about a shower. He was a mess, she was a mess, hell _the bed_ was a mess. He needed to stay here for a little while, everything else could wait. It was going to have to wait in any case, because he probably couldn't lift an arm even if he tried.

And Marinette wasn't even concerned about his lack of participation. She was handling herself just fine. He could simply enjoy watching her– from how the sweat ran down her body from their shared exertions, to how rough and raw her voice was as she brought herself to orgasm.

His eyes were as heavy as his heart was full. He didn't even notice that he was drifting to sleep.

 

Adrien awoke to the sound of running water. A brief glance at her nightstand clock informed him it was still the middle of the night; he had only slept a few hours.

It seemed Marinette was taking a shower... at two in the morning?

Suddenly he snapped to attention. Memories of earlier flooded back and he realized he was a mess, _oh no_ he was going to be so—

Wait.

Adrien brought his hands up to his face. They were, thankfully, somehow not a sticky mess caused by his carelessness. They were in fact perfectly clean. He didn't remember getting up, and the rest of him was still in much need of bathing, so that only could mean...

Marinette.

Marinette cleaned him up. She took care of him.

"Ahhh this woman is amazing!!" he said aloud, throwing his arms into the air and down again at his sides. He felt like he was on a cloud. The happiest man alive right in that moment.

Upon hearing the shower turn off, Adrien leapt to his feet and towards the bathroom. Marinette soon appeared wrapped in a towel, and he scooped her up in his arms, kissing her deeply.

Laughing, Marinette spoke up. "Hey there... I just needed to get myself cleaned up. I fell asleep shortly after you did. But now that we're both up I can toss the sheets in the wash and put fresh ones on." She squeezed him tightly. "You were pretty hot last night." she said more quietly.

"As were you, bug." he grinned. "We should do this more often. Probably not on the weekdays."

"Probably not." she agreed. "Why don't you go hop in the shower? I can dry my hair out here."

Adrien nodded, setting her down. Her towel fell after they separated, and he made to pick it back up— _"ouch! what the—"_ Raising his head, he saw Marinette rubbing her own.

"Are we really still doing this?" he laughed.

"Guess so." she joined in. "You know what, I don't need the towel. I'll let you take it."

"I like the way you think." he said, eyes wandering over her naked form. "Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?"

"Only all the time."

"Just making sure."

As Adrien headed into the shower, Marinette returned to their bedroom and began removing the sheets.

As she was finishing, Plagg floated in. "You two probably woke the whole floor with your activity."

Marinette jumped in surprise. "Plagg! Is this the best time? I'm not even dressed!"

"And? Neither am I... or are you too good for the eyes of someone who has lived millennia?"

She didn't really have an answer to that.

"I'm just glad to be getting his mind off of... things" she said finally.

"News flash, he's never not thinking about it. It's just something that either moves to the forefront or is held back... like a low hum that never truly goes away."

"You speak like it's from experience."

"Hmm... well perhaps it is."

Marinette turned away from what she was doing and looked at Plagg. "I'm... sorry."

"Don't be, but you can repay me with cheese all the same." he replied.

Sighing, she continued to tidy the room. After a minute, Plagg added, "It's not really bad all the time, you know. So don't be sad. Just view it as something that _is_. Neither good nor bad."

"I'm trying. It's not easy though."

"Don't humans have a saying that everything worth it always comes easy?"

"It's nothing that's worth it ever comes easy."

"All the same."

"That was literally the opposite."

"But you understood me."

Marinette was starting to wonder how Adrien was able to put up with this for the number of years that he did.

"Maybe you should go find Tikki. She's probably in the other room. _She_ likes to give me space during this sort of thing." Marinette hoped he'd take the hint.

At the sound of Adrien finishing his shower, Plagg did take the hint, leaving to go find a place to sleep without another word.

Toweling himself off as he entered the room, Adrien said "I'm surprised you're still awake."

Marinette smiled. "Of course, I want to wait for you."

Adrien returned her smile, albeit more shyly. He pulled the covers back and stepped into their bed, still nude, but fully refreshed and ready for sleep.

She entered after him, allowing him to spoon her after she turned off the nightstand lamp.

The room again dark, Adrien dozed in and out, enjoying the feeling of his love against him. He wasn't sure how long the nightmares would cease, and surely they would return during future difficult times, but for now he was free of them, and wouldn't take it for granted.

He listened to the silence around them, and pretended they were the only people in existence... the four walls the boundaries of the universe, and he relaxed. His breathing slowed, steadied... preparing for a restful sleep.

Her hair smelled lovely, the sheets enclosing them fresh and new, and he sighed softly, barely noticeable.

If he died right now... he'd die happy.

Marinette stirred a little, clearly not completely asleep herself. Adrien didn't have the energy anymore to snuggle, and thus he remained where he was with his arm draped over her but unmoving.

She must have thought him asleep... because she began muttering quietly to him.

"Emma, Louis, and Hugo." were what he heard. Were those, names?

_Why don't you tell me their names I know you already picked out._

She did pick out names. Oh... well...

Adrien's breath caught in his throat, as this information sank in.

Nothing had really changed. He still felt the same funny feelings as he always had swimming around his head.

But now he had something new. Something... unfamiliar.

A strong will to see the future.

To meet his children.

To get married.

He would ask her to marry him... someday. He wasn't sure when, but now he could picture it.

So many thoughts swam through... the funny ones couldn't keep up tonight. They got swept under the current. And for once, he didn't miss them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this crazy story of mine.


End file.
